Ten Lessons We’ve Learned From Watching Beverly Hills, 90210
By Thoughtis
1. Virgins can dress like whores too
Even though Donna Martin didn’t knock boots until the end of season 7, she liked to express her blooming sexuality via an array of provocative outfits. Her clothes were either meant as a consolation prize for her long-suffering boyfriend, David Silver, or a giant cock tease. Either way, Donna never met a crop top she didn’t like.
2. Getting burned in a fire will make you join a cult
When Kelly Taylor and a random lesbian were caught in a fire at a house party, Kelly chose to join a weird cult at her college to deal with her grief. Shortly after attending a self-help seminar, she began attending creepy meetings about evolution (the bad kind), speaking in code and confusing all of her friends. They realized things were serious when Kelly no longer wanted to go shopping, or go to The Peach Pit for a megaburger. Thankfully, Dylan McKay intervened and brought Kelly back to the land of french fries and Dior. Moral of the story: Cults are so annoying!
3. 26-year-olds are allowed to attend West Beverly High
When Andrea Zuckerman enrolled as a sophomore at West Beverly High, she had to be vigilant in protecting her true identity as an undercover reporter for the Los Angeles Times. She originally was there on assignment for a story concerning the vacuous lives of rich youth. However, after befriending Brandon Walsh and the gang, Andrea felt a sense of belonging that had been previously missing in her life. After a month, she stopped returning he editors’ phone calls, and started her life over again as a teenager in high school.
4. The jeans men wore in the ’90s drew attention to their penis
The show may have starred Jason Priestley, but it also guest-starred his abnormally large penis. You could see a clear outline of it in his weirdly tight boy jeans. Luke Perry’s schlong also deserves an honorable mention. It’s actually shocking how visible their penises were. Were the wardrobe people aware of this?
5. Kelly Taylor is always sort of a bitch, but it’s especially bad when she’s abusing cocaine or diet pills
Kelly Taylor is not a particularly warm person, but she’s particularly icy when’s she doing lots of coke, or taking 20 diet pills on the eve of her 18th birthday party. She yells at everyone: real estate agents, her mom, the person who invented poor people. Beverly Hills, 90210 also gave us a surplus of knowledge pertaining to cocaine use. Apparently when you snort two lines, you’ll be up for 36 hours and want to hire a limo to drive you around when you want to go shopping. It only takes that much. You can also become a full-blown addict in two scenes and get over your addiction in one episode’s worth of rehab.
6. The group is better than everyone
Brandon and his friends are the closest things to Jesus Christ. You know why? They all have a lot of money but they don’t flaunt it. They like to help homeless people, abused women, and in Donna Martin’s case, frumpy female athletes and a lost deer. They have a strict moral code. Sure they might get drunk once in awhile but they stay away from everything else. Valerie smoked pot and that was terrifying! If you violate any of the rules like she did, you go to friendship jail and are kicked out of the coven.
7. Never trust outsiders!
People outside of the group are evil. When Donna dated Ray—an impoverished musician from the Valley who had a mother with a white trash accent—he ended up being an abuser and throwing her down the stairs. Similarly, when Kelly dated an artist from the big bad city, he turned out to be a thieving cokehead. That’s why everyone just dates each other. They want to further their race and not risk muddling up their wholesome genetics.
8. Brunettes are bitches
Valerie Malone, Brenda Walsh, Lucinda Nicholson: These women were all femme fatales. Their sensual dark locks exuded mystery and caused everyone a shitload of problems. Maybe if they all had blonde hair, they could join a sorority with Kelly and Donna and help save the rainforest instead of being duplicitous and manipulative.
9. You can own a nightclub even if you’re underage
When Valerie decided to run The Peach Pit After Dark—despite having no experience in business and being under the legal drinking age—no one seemed to bat an eyelash. It was like, “Of course Valerie will run the nightclub because she is full of sin. That makes perfect sense. I mean, who else would do it?” Oh, I don’t know you guys! Maybe someone who can actually drink alcohol and knows how to do more than sleep with her married business advisor? You crazy kids.
10. There is only one restaurant in Los Angeles
Thank god for The Peach Pit! If it weren’t for that greasy spoon, the entire city of Los Angeles would be screwed. Gosh, they sure are lucky to be able to eat hamburgers and milkshakes every day of their lives. Why would anyone want to eat anything else? Vegetables, thai food, pasta; what’s that?! I suppose if they want something terribly exotic, they can go to a fancy restaurant for a $60 steak. But that’s only reserved for celebrations and seducing people. The Peach Pit is suitable for any other occasion. And it’s really awesome to hang out with the random senior citizen who owns the place. Teenagers have so much common with adults like Nat!