4 repeated viewings of this YouTube video.
2 lit candles called “Amber Musk” and “Fig Sunlight” that you purchased for forty dollars at a hipster clothing store. If the candles exude so much light, why do they make you feel so dark?!
1 warm bath that you will submerge your worn body in. Feel the warmth hit your skin and pay attention to the silence in your apartment. Sit in the bath and feel like an adult and a child. Think back to when you were younger and taking baths frequently and having a prepubescent body. Look at your body now. It may look sad and defeated, or it may look sexy and determined. I don’t fucking know. It’s not my body, okay? Realize you haven’t take a bath since that one time forever ago. Wish you had someone waiting to wrap your body in a towel when you got out.
Stir in 2 tablespoons of melancholy and 1 cup of over-analytical bullshit. Get out of the bath and grab 1 ounce of self-worth from the kitchen table. You’ll need it to call your parents.
2 telephone calls. Make the first call to your best friend from home. Discuss high school, boys, and what it means to be getting older. Feel your stomach drop and your skin continue to prune even though you’ve been out of the bath for quite some time. Hear your friend talk about their life without you. You couldn’t have imagined it, but here they are—not dying without you. Remember the plans that were made after college and never materialized. Slowly come to terms with the reality that they may never be a part of your day-to-day life ever again.
The next phone call will be made to your mother who worries about you constantly. Every second you spend on the phone together is filled with dread. The second you hang up, however, you miss her terribly and feel like such a churlish child. You’d like nothing more than to be lying in bed next to her in comfortable silence.
1 delivery order of pad thai. Answer the door in little clothing so as to confuse and/or entice the delivery guy.
1 moment of overwhelming fatigue that will send your head straight to pillow. Everything feels heavy until you are asleep, until everything feels like nothing.
1 resolution to never spend another depressing night in by yourself ever again.