Recipe For A Depressing Night In By Yourself

4 repeated viewings of this YouTube video.

2 lit candles called “Amber Musk” and “Fig Sunlight” that you purchased for forty dollars at a hipster clothing store. If the candles exude so much light, why do they make you feel so dark?!

1 warm bath that you will submerge your worn body in. Feel the warmth hit your skin and pay attention to the silence in your apartment. Sit in the bath and feel like an adult and a child. Think back to when you were younger and taking baths frequently and having a prepubescent body. Look at your body now. It may look sad and defeated, or it may look sexy and determined. I don’t fucking know. It’s not my body, okay? Realize you haven’t take a bath since that one time forever ago. Wish you had someone waiting to wrap your body in a towel when you got out.

Stir in 2 tablespoons of melancholy and 1 cup of over-analytical bullshit. Get out of the bath and grab 1 ounce of self-worth from the kitchen table. You’ll need it to call your parents.

2 telephone calls. Make the first call to your best friend from home. Discuss high school, boys, and what it means to be getting older. Feel your stomach drop and your skin continue to prune even though you’ve been out of the bath for quite some time. Hear your friend talk about their life without you. You couldn’t have imagined it, but here they are—not dying without you. Remember the plans that were made after college and never materialized. Slowly come to terms with the reality that they may never be a part of your day-to-day life ever again.

The next phone call will be made to your mother who worries about you constantly. Every second you spend on the phone together is filled with dread. The second you hang up, however, you miss her terribly and feel like such a churlish child. You’d like nothing more than to be lying in bed next to her in comfortable silence.

1 delivery order of pad thai. Answer the door in little clothing so as to confuse and/or entice the delivery guy.

1 moment of overwhelming fatigue that will send your head straight to pillow. Everything feels heavy until you are asleep, until everything feels like nothing.

1 resolution to never spend another depressing night in by yourself ever again. TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • angiephone

    life is hard.

    • guest

      is it?

      • homiesaidWHAT

        yes.

      • halfling_rogue

        Sometimes…

  • http://twitter.com/#!/willandbears Masha Sun

    i am so, so scared

  • claire

    damn ryan, no one gave a shit about this one

    • PERFECTCIRCLES

      I give a shit about this.

  • EmiliaBedelia

    i think these nights are needed. sounds relaxing to me.

  • srto

    wtf this reads like a normal night by oneself. u have awfully high standards maybe. like every night not spent clubbing hardcore-style is depressing i guess????

    • http://twitter.com/straponheart Evan Hatch

      do you have multiple personality disorder bro? this comment seems to be diametrically opposed to your near simultaneously proposed question of “have you not had sex in 3 days like the total loser you are”

      • Guest

        I think he means that the author is being dramatic, but that's how cool writers are you know yo. Hipster cred bro.

  • srto

    really i don't get this. what is the deal with people like this. is your furniture “depressing” too. like ikea or something which is “so depressing”. are you slightly overweight, does that mortify you too. have you not had sex in 3 days like the total loser you are

  • http://twitter.com/nanabuuui Anna B

    “If the candles exude so much light, why do they make you feel so dark?!”

    well, candles don't exude thaaat much light. I still feel dark in a room filled with candles.

    It's in shadows. Creepy, scary, haunting shadows.

  • eric

    i think, maybe, you just should just give up just should give just give up

    maybe

  • Lezlie

    this sounds ideal to me.

  • ZaneEatsWorld

    I don't understand why this post attracted so many haters. He didn't say the night was “depressing” because he wasn't going out that night. He just said he was “depressed.” Probably for a totally unrelated reason.

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