Thought Catalog

If You Were Born In The 90s

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Note: This essay applies to mostly everyone born after, like, 1994. If you were born in 1990 or something, you still might be cool.

If you were born in the 90s, you are not real. You are placenta, a fetus, a baby who’s dependent upon someone else to live. You couldn’t possibly be allowed to buy alcohol or make statements that make sense and are actually kind of smart. Nope. Sorry, that is illegal.

If you were born in the 90s, you might’ve been too young to watch Dawson’s Creek or Buffy. It was on too late and you had to be in bed by eight, but you caught some reruns in syndication and thought it looked pretty cool. Your first introduction to TV that wasn’t Sesame Street may’ve been The OC or worse, Gossip Girl. That really sucks because Jen Lindley is way cooler than Marisa Cooper and you may never really know that.

If you were born in the 90s, you aren’t allowed to date and you must remain a virgin until 2020. Those are the rules. If anyone tries to touch you in sexy places, tell them that they are a pedophile and they’ll be going to jail immediately. Fuck, just tell them you were born in 1994. That should end things pretty quickly. Byeeee.

If you were born in the 90s, do you even know Britney Spears like I know her? Were you watching …Baby One More Time on MTV and being like, “This girl is turning my world upside down!” No, you were eating your first solid and accidentally pooping your pants. Today you probably see Britney just as this weird tragic figure instead of an amazing pop star who used to be really hot and normal until she became a girl, interrupted.

If you were born in the 90s, you may have never loved Miley Cyrus ironically. You know Frances Bean better than Kurt and Courtney, Rumer Willis better than Bruce and Demi. You understand OJ Simpson is an insane murderer but you weren’t watching the footage of him in his white Bronco fleeing the cops on TV with your parents. You never saw your dad get so engrossed and eat his dinner in front of the television being like, “This guy is fucked. Totally guilty.”

If you were born in the 90s, you probably missed the reality TV show Rich Girls that aired on MTV. It starred Tommy Hilger’s stoned retarded daughter and her fat grumpy friend, Jamie Gleicher, and jumpstarted reality TV’s obsession with rich people.

If you were born in the 90s, there’s a chance that you have never lived a life without internet or social networking, which kind of sucks. You may have always known about Myspace and text messaging and cell phones. You didn’t get a chance to not be addicted to the internet for a sec, to play outside all day and scrape your knees and just be disconnected from technology.

If you were born in the 90s, you don’t really know that America wasn’t always this obsessed with celebrities. Reality TV consisted of The Real World and paparazzi were not so insane and scary. Us Weekly was actually just Us—a legit entertainment magazine.

If you were born in the 90s, you make me feel old, which is weird because I’m not. You make me freak out about aging and being irrelevant and not getting it. I always want to get it!

If you were born in the 90s, you make up a large part of Thought Catalog’s readership and I love you, bye! TC mark

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    • http://twitter.com/alinatrifan Alina Trifan

      Wow, I feel so cool now.

    • PERFECTCIRCLES

      There is no way people born after 1995 are reading this site unless Liz has mentioned it on My Life As Liz.

      • http://twitter.com/rebeccaaaa Rebecca Sutter

        Oh my god please tell me this is true because this article makes me feel so old.

        But also, awesome.

      • a boy

        People who were born in 1995 are now 16ish………………

        • anon

          That is SO weird to think about…

      • Dave Hugues

         Yeah it would be uncool to read.

    • Clayton Clayton

      AMAZING! Proud to be born in 1989. I feel SO bad for anyone who didnt have the honor of watchign RICH GIRLS.

      • http://twitter.com/spencerhcain spencer cain

        Yes! I'm so glad “Rich Girls” was included in this. It truly jump-started America's fascination with the rich and privileged, and it was ACTUALLY funny. and nowadays, Jamie would never smoke cigarettes on TV. PR has taken over everything. Amazing article!

      • PERFECTCIRCLES

        Cool! That's the year the Berlin Wall fell.

        • RayHuron2008

          I was born exactly the day after the wall fell. 11.12.89 :)
          It's embarrassing because i didn't know about the Berlin Wall falling until the 00s during my teenage years.

    • 27sandgranola

      I was born in 1990 and yeah, I missed Dawson's Creek but Buffy changed my life. Since I was born in 1990 (and grew up with a crazy foreign mother) I'm stuck in this weird middle of the 90s. I basically lived the decade through my friends older sisters.

      • PERFECTCIRCLES

        Cool! That's the year Ultimate Warrior beat Hulk Hogan for the World Title at Wrestlemania VI.

        • 27sandgranola

          I love all your comments on this post.

    • IndianGiver

      born in 85. you make me feel old. uncool.

      whatever happened to the real world? I got rid of my cable/satellite since the internet has everything I'll ever need.

      wtf is up with that show 16 & pregnant? When I was 16, I knew what a condom was.

      Ryan O'Connell…you rock my world.

    • obsessions

      1993!

      • PERFECTCIRCLES

        Cool! That's the same year Slovakia and the Czech Republic separated.

      • Weird Kid

        Funny seeing you here ;) Forever a troll =(

    • Silhouettes1

      '83 baby here.

      I literally cheered at the “Jen Lindley is cooler than Marissa Cooper” line.. I'm a little dorky.

      A cable station aired the pilot of Buffy last night (actually 3am this morning) and I was so stoked to be watching it.

      I feel old.

    • MP80909

      1990 baby here. I remember our first computer, cable boxes, dial-up internet, when cell phones were ACTUALLY car phones, and most importantly, 9/11.

    • http://twitter.com/raystraight Ray Straight

      Exactly how long ago did people born in one decade have so much scorn for the next batch of youngsters? I'm sure '50s babies didn't feel this way about '60s children. When exactly did we get so self-focused? Is this sort of mindset going to grow exponentially? Like, 2014 babies hatin' on the 2015 babies?

    • amnesiacsiblings

      I was born in 1992 and it seems to frighten people when I tell them that. There's a lot of groaning and me going “It's okay! You're only 8 years older than me!” and more groaning. But what's really petrifying is children born after the millennium. My next-door-neighbor children were playing outside and I was taking pictures with a 35mm film camera, and they asked to see it. One of them took a picture and then asked, “How do I see the picture? Where's the screen on the back?” I tried to explain to them how film works, and one of them finally said, “Oh I know how it works, there's a memory card inside of there…” I shook my head sadly and concluded this exchange by asking, “What year were you born??” and the answer was “2001!”

      • PERFECTCIRCLES

        Cool! That was the year Ross Perot nearly became President of the United States.

        • rilez

          Cool, Perfect Circles! You're older than everyone… enjoy your social security.

        • PERFECTCIRCLES

          Social Security is going to be cut by Obama and the GOP, so no one will enjoy it.

      • http://twitter.com/daisyink11 Trisha

        That would seriously freak me out. I don't even like to think about babies born after 2000, haha.

      • savagegirl

        think about how I must feel…I voted for the first time in the presidential election in 1992. I never have seen any of those tv shows because I've never owned a tv as an adult. And about the camera…after having my photos published in 5 or 6 national publications and several books, I cannot create a decent image with our technically adequate digital. But as you feel about the post millenium babies, I mostly feel about anyone with a birth year of 1978 or later because you never lived during the time of mutually assured destruction with the USSR. I'm never just 8 years older anymore, i'm old enough to be that person's mother.

    • Guest

      1995 baby – I'm sorry you think I'm so attached to the internet.

      • PERFECTCIRCLES

        Cool! That's the year of the OJ Simpson trial.

    • eric

      born in '92… does this mean i can't date ryan o'connell?

      • mindset

        born in '93 and also asking this question

    • Perksofliving

      I was born in 1994. I'm sure that by the time I'm in my 20's, I'll be able to make witty comments on how a younger generation missed out on all that was good and popular during my childhood. The sad thing is that I already feel too old.

      • PERFECTCIRCLES

        Cool! That was the year of the Major League Baseball strike.

      • http://twitter.com/daisyink11 Trisha

        You're 16/17 and you feel old? lol

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_FQBOL3ZHPHDYFGRD53EVFREV4A El puto

      “If you were born in the 90s, there’s a chance that you have never lived a life without internet or social networking, which kind of sucks. You may have always known about Myspace and text messaging and cell phones. You didn’t get a chance to not be addicted to the internet for a sec, to play outside all day and scrape your knees and just be disconnected from technology.”

      THIS
      <3

      Otherwise, a well thought out piece of what I've been preaching since around 2007. I totally saw this new breed of child coming. Does anyone remember corporal punishment or having to say the Pledge of Allegiance in schools? Also, totally digging the 'virgin until 2020'/pedophile vibe here.

    • J_leshae_77

      Born in good ole 89. Last of the 80s babies. I'm pretty sure these children have the worst tv shows and role models ever. I mean, when I was a kid I wanted to be Angelica from the Rugrats because she was a badass, now these kids are wanting to be on Twitter and be hate mongrrs against people who hate the Biebs. What happened to good wholesome role models? I'm pretty sure none of my role models grew up to be druggies and skanks and THANK GOD we didn't have Beiber, Miley, and Ke$ha. We had good ole cartoons and none of the All That co stars ever got pregnant (looking at you Zoey 101). Yup, these kids missed out for sure… I think I'm going to limit what my kids watch and how long they use the computer. Should make them go outside for an hour for every hour they watch tv or get on twitter. Definitely not giving them a cell until they can drive either. Yup, thTs how it goes children.

      • RayHuron2008

        I was born in late 89, so i made it by less then 2 months. However, i think what you said is silly. In the 90s, we grew up with peopel like Lindsey Lohan, Brittney Spear, Christina Argulara, and the Olsen twins. How can you say 90s kids didn't grow up with some bad role models too…People our age did too. Also, since you're born in 89, you're pretty much around the same age as someone born in 1992…

    • Meg

      And somewhere my dad is saying: “if you were born in '85, you didn't get to experience CBGBs or the Lower East Side before New York became a slightly edgy Disneyland. And if you were born in '85 you never needed to know the life of a monotonous nine to five.”

    • http://www.theuglynewyorker.com Stephanie Georgopulos

      OMG Rich Girls was the shiz.biz. Fun story about Aly Hilfiger. Not to go all OT here, but she was a judge in a karaoke competition I was in. I was like, fuckin starstruck ok? Like ALY! I have a bat in my pocket, let's go toke and talk about rich people stuff! Then… I sang, and she gave me a 3 and she said the reason she scored me so high was because she liked my dress. All in all, a win/lose situation that made me rethink karaoke and Rich Girls FOREVER.

    • deecie

      I was born in 1990. The thought of growing up without Buffy actually makes me legitimately sad. She/Joss Whedon changed my life. Wow, don't I sound like a huge dork. But seriously, i LOVE HER!!

    • http://twitter.com/azigra Azi

      I was born in the 1890's. Does that count?

    • fl

      Holla at people who WERE born in the '80s but didn't get cable television until middle/high school years, therefore missing every single cool show that was ever on Nick/MTV. Holla.

    • federico

      sad i missed the medieval times and ancient rome, also years 1960-1971

    • federico

      I TURN 20 in 9 dys holla

    • angiephone

      Born in 1976…my childhood/adolescence was entirely without the internet or reality TV – and now I love them with an all-consuming passion.

      • PERFECTCIRCLES

        Cool! That was the year of the bicentennial.

    • ghostboy2112

      I've been sick for the last week and I am pleased to say that daytime tv hasn't changed since I was a kid! Yesterday I watched Charmed, Pokémon, The Nanny and Friends with glee (the feeling, not the show) and all was good. I ate cornflakes in my pyjama's and found my Gameboy Color back and played Pokémon Silver. The 'Save' option is broken because the game is too old. Kinda made me sad. But this article is spot-on. Born in 1990 and proud of it!

    • muggins

      reppin '88

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