I Miss The Boys

I miss the boys I met in the sandbox or on the monkey bars. I miss the boys who would punch someone in the face and inevitably cry afterwards. It’s because their genitalia didn’t outweigh their emotions yet. Their tear ducts hadn’t been frozen, hadn’t been exchanged for a larger penis.

I miss the boys who thought masculinity meant the color blue. I miss the boys who wanted to touch a phallic gun instead of a pair of supple breasts. They would take their little boy bodies and go adventuring into trees, into ravines, into the pages of a comic book. They would speak in small voices and still wrap their arm around their best guy friend. They loved for the sake of loving, didn’t know the rules yet, didn’t know that wasn’t proper male behavior.

I don’t miss the boys who grew older and dumber. With every inch they gained, a spec of maturity was lost. This was when boys became boys, punched other boys in the face and no longer cried afterwards. They began the process of selling their emotions to the Dick Devil. “Just one more inch and I promise not to feel anything anymore.” I miss the few boys who would still surprise you, who would show moments of kindness underneath their machismo.

I miss the boys who would start to look at me in a way that wasn’t allowed or considered very boylike. They would give knowing glances and then tell you how they really feel in short staccato blasts. “I like you. I think I do.” I miss the boys lying together with their shirts off smoking a joint in bed. Blue Levis, the American wet dream.

I miss the boys who could be boys even when they were crying in your arms, sucking your dick, cooking dinner in an apron. I miss the boys who feel all the time, or at least try to. It’s hard to feel when you’re told not to, when you’ve been taught to just get angry and punch something when an unfamiliar emotion takes over you.

I miss the boys who would get protective, who would instinctively piss on whatever they wanted and fight those who have wronged you. They would tread the line of “disgusting male behavior” and “fuck me now.” They would tell masculinity to fuck off and then cup its balls with their big hands, Oh, the contradicktion.

I miss the boys who would be good fathers one day, who could love someone in a way that would delight me, restore my faith in the male gender. Never mind that I might tire of them soon and want some boy to push me around again. Yes, never mind that. I would never miss those boys, would I?

In the end, I miss the boys who could be my boy. I miss the toughness, the softness, the smells, the hair, the insensitivity, the arms, the legs, the thing. The boys who will become men. TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

Read Here

More From Thought Catalog

  • Tommmmmm

    boyz 2 men

    • Wanya

      Doom doom doom da dop
      Doom doom doom da dop
      Da ya ya ya dop, da dop, da oh oh oh

  • http://tattoosnob.com Julene

    You and Samuel Steward could've written each other letters, and I would've been pleased to read every last one of them.

  • Brent

    Please write a book. Seriously.

  • rgar

    Amen.

  • flawedsquares

    While I was reading this, I imagined that MJ had written it.

  • http://twitter.com/atfreedom Andrew Freeman

    Was this an excerpt from “The Man Inside Me” by Tobias Funke?

  • Drew

    That was beautiful.

  • Nick

    If I ever met you, I think I'd probably try to kiss you. Then I'd yell at you for repeatedly making me misty at work.

  • NoahTourjee

    bless you

  • Cheryl

    I really, really liked this. Very well-written and so full of emotion.

  • judethedude

    Make love to me…please. I'll be your boy.

  • True Life

    This is stunning. All of your work is fantastic but this has an edge to it I haven't seen before. I'm so grateful you're writing.

  • elise b

    whoA

    ryan o'connell– i admit at first i didn't “get you.” and i won't pretend i do now. but you're converting me with your latest. thank you for writing, i like this and 'what it feels to get fucked in the ass' a lot.

blog comments powered by Disqus