How to be Boring

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Proudly proclaim yourself as boring. Say things like, “I’m such a Grandma, I swear. All I do is sit at home, knit, and go to bed at 10 p.m.. I never go out!” Wear a lot of frumpy vintage clothing. Never eat meat. Think this kind of lifestyle is intriguing simply because it’s contrary.

Have no idea how to carry a conversation. Answer people’s questions in a way that allows no more movement in the conversation. People will really hate you for this. It’s not fair to leave someone drowning in a conversation. You need to give them a life raft! Have trouble asking people things about themselves. This is either because you don’t care or you don’t know how. Regardless, talking to you will feel like a full-time job, like someone’s performing in the conversation Olympics. While this person is struggling to maintain some flow, you’ll sit there cloaked in awkward silences and monotone responses. “Yes. No. Do you want to see a picture of my cat?”

Be a “no add”—someone who just sits there and doesn’t contribute anything to any given situation. Have no set opinions. Ask someone, “Did you like the movie Bangkok Dangerous? I thought it was kind of brilliant.” Have someone respond with, “Um, no. That movie was retarded.” Nervously shift your answer, “Yeah, I can see why you would think that. Actually you’re right. It’s pretty dumb.” Avoid having opposite opinions and just be a chameleon. Think this will make people like you more, but in reality they will just see you as having no true identity. They’d respect you more if you were like, “Bangkok Dangerous fucking rocked. I don’t know what you guys are talking about!”

Have an underwhelming Internet presence. “Like” things on Facebook like Minute Maid and Triscuit because you genuinely like the products. See no problem with advertising that online. Make status updates like, “Beautiful day out today…Gonna run to Home Depot to look at tile!” Ot worse, post things about 20% off coupons at places like Macaroni Grill. Have friends post inside jokes on your wall about S’mores.

Have no sense of humor. Find true value in a Katherine Heigl comedy. Have your DVD collection consist of movies like All About Steve and 27 Dresses. You are the person who writes, “ANYTHING BUT COUNTRY” under their music tastes.

Somehow always be in a relationship. Fact: Boring people always get laid. It’s like they spot each other across the room at Kohls and they’re just like, “Do you like the color blue, In N’ Out, and Napoleon Dynamite? Let’s like be together forever in boring bliss. Let’s talk about the weather or reenact that “Van down by the river” joke 10,000 times and wear sweater vests and have no political opinions and be utterly bland like a scoop of vanilla ice cream on a 68 degree day.” Meanwhile, the people with a biting edge can’t connect with 80% of the population so they end up alone in bed with their opinions. I mean, what?! Tee hee…

Be happier than the average person. Boredom is bliss. Being boring is like floating through life in a sea of molten chocolate lava cake from Chilli’s and pasta salad. If you’re boring, it means you’re not paying enough attention. After all, life is too insane to be boring. Life is “Are you fucking kidding me? Let’s fight for this!” Life is “I feel things all the time. I’m interested in everyone’s story.” It’s not, “I love french fries and not knowing how to talk to people and I really think Josh Duhamel is a good actor.” TC mark

image – s.alt

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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    One thing is for sure: they are happier than all of us. And not reading this website. They check Yahoo! News once a day and otherwise spend a lot of time with their dog or cat.

    • Kick Start

      It's pretty obvious what you're missing: The Principles of Social Competence–


        Thanks. I enjoyed this comment more when you previously made it elsewhere in this thread. I am going to sign up for whatever Scientology-lite thing you are promoting immediately.

  • Alina Trifan

    If you're reading this,you're not boring. Congratulations/I'm sorry.

  • Sam

    I stopped in the eat meat bit. You're stupid.


    • padface

      I once dated a vegetarian. He was boring. Also he had the worst tasting cum.

  • Ford

    Life is “I'm interested everyone's story”? What a load of crap. Not everyone is an extroverted trying to start a collective.

    A lot of happiness is NOT being interested in everyone.

  • Ford


  • osoe

    It's not fair to fault people for not knowing how to talk to other people; it's not easy for everyone. Yep, I'm speaking from experience, and I'm probably some big, dumb boring person.

    • an introvert

      I love you.

  • Julene

    Short version: embody the west Williamsburg stereotype to the fullest. GOT IT!

  • Mr. White

    I don't ask questions about people if I honestly don't care. Yet I'm supposed to. It's a part of the social code or something. I wish I could get to make those codes and rules. Me being silent does not mean I'm uncomfortable, it just means I'm not interested in talking about nothing at the moment.

  • nathan

    I like how you finish this train wreck by presumptuously conflating being boring (in your opinion) with being bored.

  • Alex

    I don't know why I even bother reading Ryan O'Connell's articles any more.

    • Ryan O'Connell

      I don't know either! He's such a sick freak!

    • Neal Mackey


    • Mish

      because is engaging, thoughtful, and brilliant. He also gives great blow jobs.

  • alfey


    People who can't appreciate silence in the company of others are extremely insecure. Its OK, to be in the same room with another HUMAN and not exchange ideas, conversation.

    Ryan, you write some cool shit, but
    Chickity-check yo self before you wreck yo self.
    Cause posts like this are bad for OUR health.

    • Ryan O'Connell

      hey beb! i was referring to people who are incapable of carrying a conversation. The silences aren't like warm welcome reprieves/a sign of being comfortable with the person (I happen to love those!), I'm talking about the types of people who leave you hanging and make you put 100% of the effort in to a dialogue.

  • shoehorn

    not so keen on this judgmental shit about how lame other people are. high school.

  • bmichael

    Spell everything correctly. No typos.

  • Mish

    this article made me hungry.

    • amro

      same wtf. i just ate too

    • Olive


  • P. H. Madore

    Anyone who takes offense to this article should move to Britain, I think.

  • bmichael

    Aziz Ansari already has the canonical John Duhamel joke, which I think you're alluding to or at least ripping off.

  • Taf

    Wow I just learned so much!!

  • Claire

    Too bad this is going over so many boring heads.

    • girlysound

      I don't think it's “going over” boring heads. I think it just seems like a young, self-involved writer trying to sound intellectual and funny. Instead it just sounds as KMIND said, overwhelmingly superior.

  • Kick Start

    It's pretty obvious what you're missing: The Principles of Social Competence–

    • Rver

      haha is this for real


      • Knows Lines

        why would u wanna become a fashion faggot? that's creepy

  • KMind

    Wow, the writer is overwhelmingly superior in this piece.

  • Jen

    Being boring sucks. But I think a lot of people avoid it by being negative or unkind, and I really don't think that's any better … at least the boring people could be defended with the fact that they weren't smart enough to know better.

    I know a lot of genuinely brilliant people (sadly enough) who think they're interesting because they like talking about what's wrong with everything all the time. Most of the “interesting” guys I know don't get laid not because I'm dull and thus too dumb to be into them, but because they're obnoxious blowhards, seeing as they honestly believe they are the first genius to realize that any given thing sucks.

    No … we get that [product X] or [band y] sucks. We just have found it pointless to keep saying so once we had spent a while in our twenties.

    I have dated plenty of men who thought I was a bland sheep because I didn't wake up angry about politics or natural disasters every day of my life. Meanwhile, I actually volunteered for social organizations while never seeing them do much of anything about anything.

    They were really good at wittily insulting the inferior, though!

    • shoehorn

      being angry about politics or natural disasters should qualify as a psychosis
      jen, can you write your own article coaching me on how to be a better man
      i'm serious


        I concur. More Jen please.

      • Jen

        Unfortunately, I can't help those who replied, as my rehabilitation program for sulky misunderstood intelligent men who wished the whole world would just get a clue already (or, as I rather foolishly called it, “dating”) has closed. After much research, I have concluded that if I took away their sense of superiority, little would remain (as most of them are too special and artistic to do mundane things like “make a living”). It would be cruel, really, to take away the one thing they have left, which is their smug certainty that ex-girlfriends like me are going to settle for some unimaginative loser in a cubicle while they valiantly continue to keep it so, so real. Why, just think of all the contrived summer blockbusters I'm suffering through! My loss, really.

        God I love Home Depot.

  • amro

    very much liked the last three sentences. gonna put them in my 'things to remember' post-it.

  • Jody Fossler

    it's negative capability for describing not-boring peeps was kind of scant in comparison with How To Be A Funny Person
    but still not not-good!

  • Joe

    This could also be used to describe How to Be Stupid!


    Beautiful day out today. Gonna run to Home Depot to look at tile.

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