Dear Gay Dude: My Girlfriend's Gay Best Friend Hates Me!

Dear Gay Dude,

I’ve been seeing this girl for a few months and it’s been going really great with the exception of one thing: I think her gay best friend hates me! Whenever we all hang out together, he just ignores me and will hold her hand, make inside jokes, and generally exclude me from the conversation. I know how important he is to my girlfriend so it’s imperative that we be on good terms. What do I do? Buy him a copy of Liza With a Z on DVD? J/K!

-Fucked By The Gay Best Friend

Dear Fucked By The Gay Best Friend,

I’m sorry her friend is being a lil’ bitch to you. We sure can be a bunch of Judge Judy’s, can’t we? But it seems like this Mary hasn’t even given you a chance. He sees you as a threat to their relationship and wants you to know he’s the boss, applesauce. He’s pissing his rainbow urine on your girlfriend to mark his territory.

Here’s the deal: The bond between a gay man and his best girlfriend can be super intense. Before you came into the picture, he may have essentially been a boyfriend that didn’t give her orgasms, you know?  The dynamic could have been codependent and unhealthy until you waltzed in with your straight male hard dick and swept her away! And good for you, might I add. She needs you. She needs your erection and annoying straight dude behavior. It’s good for her soul and self-esteem.

But she also needs her relationship with her gay best friend so let’s figure out how the two can coexist in gay/straight harmony. The first thing I would advise you to do is to reach out to your girlfriend. You need to find out the backstory on their relationship so you know what you’re working with. Were they cuddling every night together watching Netflix before you came around? If so, you’ve got some work to do. And by the way, I’m sure your girlfriend is just as freaked out as you are. She wants this to work more than anyone and she might feel like the pressure is all on her. Make sure to tell her that you give a shit as well. It will make her feel more at ease with the situation.

Once you find out how Will & Grace the relationship was, it’s important not to force anything. You don’t want to call up the guy and be like, “Hey! I heard you liked to go antiquing for lamps so do you want to maybe go together sometime?!”  The gay best friend will see right through your bullshit and will either be like, “No!” or “Sure! And then can we go shopping for Persian rugs?”, subjecting you to a day of torture.

Start by hanging out in groups. Be super friendly. Let him know implicitly that you’re respectful of the close friendship he has with your girlfriend. You are aware that it’s “Gay dicks before straight dicks.”  At the same time, let him know that he has to respect you too. Don’t be afraid to be affectionate with your girlfriend in front of him. He needs to see it. The straight truth hurts.

Know that you two don’t need to be BFF’s strolling through the flea market together. You just need to accomplish a level  of mutual respect for one another. He needs to be like, “Thanks for making my best friend happy!” and vice versa.

I’ve encountered this issue a bunch of times in my life. I think the relationship between the gay best friend and the straight girl’s boyfriend can be Herbie: Fully Loaded. It may make you feel weird that another male is close to your girlfriend in a way that you can’t be. There’s this emotional intensity that can only be achieved when both parties don’t want to bone each other. However, the gay best friend probably feels the same way. He’s envious of you being able to satisfy his best friend in ways that he’ll never be able to as well. It’s because you both are important pieces in her fulfillment puzzle. She can’t have one without the other!  Conclusion: Gender and sexuality are complicated! Good luck in building a bridge over resentful water.


Gay Dude

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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  • Daniel Gonzalez

    I say if the gay best friend is single, then he (straight guy) should bring a hot gay guy, introduce them…and let that ensue. He might be thankful and for at least a week get rid of the best gay friend.

  • Julene

    GBF's can be just as territorial if another straight girl enters the equation to be friends with his gal-pal. Intimidating, for sure.

  • OT

    whoa what an answer -so good, this explains why i can't stand my cough lezbro's new girlfriend

  • Tyler77s

    Nice Factory Girl reference… fitting!

  •!/nvvmxac danne rassle

    best friends don't exist , only secret lovers

  • azi

    Maybe gay dude wants straight dude and GD ignores SD because GD doesn't want to step on straight girls feet bet letting it be revealed? Ignoring someone is the best way not to flirt with them.

  • federico

    why do gay guys like to go antique shopping.

  • Schwimmer

    never date a FAG HAG

  • Qwerty

    Dear Gay Dude,

    You're very witty. I like your 'boss, applesauce' and Herbie Fully Loaded jokes. They made me laugh.

  • dogonit

    I have a question and I hope somebody will respond.  I dated a girl for
    several months and we started to fall in love.  Her best friends are a couple
    and gay.  She dated Randy 3 years ago and fell in love with him.  After about 6
    months he came out and said he could not be in a strait relationship with her
    and it devastated her.  She told me she even had to go to counseling due to this
    situation.  She was from a small midwest town and was very sheltered prior to
    meeting R.  He was her first love after leaving a strict family life.  After R
    came out she continued to be his best friend and they partied with a very small
    group of friends.  In fact they only have 9 mutual friends on FB and she never
    ever has ventured outside that circle.  She loved the drugs, fun, and running
    around naked with this small group of friends when partying.  In fact 3 months
    into our relationship he was still tea bagging her on the forehead and groping
    her boobs while away from me on vacation with them.  I told her it sounded to me
    like she came from a sheltered life to something completely out of this world
    fun with this small circle.  The group plays  strip games together but don’t
    know of any group activities at this point that would have been, well you know. 
    She responded a day later saying she talked to 5 members of her circle and they
    assured her that this was completely normal.  She sees them about 3 times a week
    and the 3 of them dress up in drag on Fri nights.  The three of them had parties
    which I was not invited to.  It seemed like she was emotionally attached to R
    and I confronted her with this.  After I brought this to her attention she even
    said “I never thought of it that way”.  So after 2 weeks it was Valentines day. 
    I sent her flowers and told her I loved her.  We were supposed to announce our
    love for each other the next weekend to our friends.  She lived about an hour
    away from me so we were not going to be together V-Day night because she had
    schoolwork to do.  At 10:30 at night she broke up with me and said that her
    studies had to take priority and we could no longer continue the relationship. 
    I was no longer her boyfriend after about a half hour of talking.  What the hell
    happened?  Did I make her feel broke that she may still be in love with her gay
    best friend?  Was I always going to be 3rd on the list?  School, her best
    friend, and then me?  I’m confused… Can somebody tell me if these activities
    are normal at the age of 32???  We were perfect for each other and fell in love
    very early and then all these activities started to come out.  Was it a game? 
    Somebody please give me some insight to this situation.  Also, one last thing,
    she was a self proclaimed “fag hag”.  I had never heard this term before until I
    researched the dynamics between one and their gay.

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