Dear Gay Dude,
I’ve been seeing this girl for a few months and it’s been going really great with the exception of one thing: I think her gay best friend hates me! Whenever we all hang out together, he just ignores me and will hold her hand, make inside jokes, and generally exclude me from the conversation. I know how important he is to my girlfriend so it’s imperative that we be on good terms. What do I do? Buy him a copy of Liza With a Z on DVD? J/K!
-Fucked By The Gay Best Friend
Dear Fucked By The Gay Best Friend,
I’m sorry her friend is being a lil’ bitch to you. We sure can be a bunch of Judge Judy’s, can’t we? But it seems like this Mary hasn’t even given you a chance. He sees you as a threat to their relationship and wants you to know he’s the boss, applesauce. He’s pissing his rainbow urine on your girlfriend to mark his territory.
Here’s the deal: The bond between a gay man and his best girlfriend can be super intense. Before you came into the picture, he may have essentially been a boyfriend that didn’t give her orgasms, you know? The dynamic could have been codependent and unhealthy until you waltzed in with your straight male hard dick and swept her away! And good for you, might I add. She needs you. She needs your erection and annoying straight dude behavior. It’s good for her soul and self-esteem.
But she also needs her relationship with her gay best friend so let’s figure out how the two can coexist in gay/straight harmony. The first thing I would advise you to do is to reach out to your girlfriend. You need to find out the backstory on their relationship so you know what you’re working with. Were they cuddling every night together watching Netflix before you came around? If so, you’ve got some work to do. And by the way, I’m sure your girlfriend is just as freaked out as you are. She wants this to work more than anyone and she might feel like the pressure is all on her. Make sure to tell her that you give a shit as well. It will make her feel more at ease with the situation.
Once you find out how Will & Grace the relationship was, it’s important not to force anything. You don’t want to call up the guy and be like, “Hey! I heard you liked to go antiquing for lamps so do you want to maybe go together sometime?!” The gay best friend will see right through your bullshit and will either be like, “No!” or “Sure! And then can we go shopping for Persian rugs?”, subjecting you to a day of torture.
Start by hanging out in groups. Be super friendly. Let him know implicitly that you’re respectful of the close friendship he has with your girlfriend. You are aware that it’s “Gay dicks before straight dicks.” At the same time, let him know that he has to respect you too. Don’t be afraid to be affectionate with your girlfriend in front of him. He needs to see it. The straight truth hurts.
Know that you two don’t need to be BFF’s strolling through the flea market together. You just need to accomplish a level of mutual respect for one another. He needs to be like, “Thanks for making my best friend happy!” and vice versa.
I’ve encountered this issue a bunch of times in my life. I think the relationship between the gay best friend and the straight girl’s boyfriend can be Herbie: Fully Loaded. It may make you feel weird that another male is close to your girlfriend in a way that you can’t be. There’s this emotional intensity that can only be achieved when both parties don’t want to bone each other. However, the gay best friend probably feels the same way. He’s envious of you being able to satisfy his best friend in ways that he’ll never be able to as well. It’s because you both are important pieces in her fulfillment puzzle. She can’t have one without the other! Conclusion: Gender and sexuality are complicated! Good luck in building a bridge over resentful water.