Dear Gay Dude,
Whenever my girlfriend has a girls night out or hangs out with her gay friends, I always get the sneaking suspicion that she’s using it as a way to talk shit about our relationship. A few weeks ago, we got into a huge fight and she went to go hang out with her gay friend, and then a few days later, he came over to our apartment and wouldn’t even talk to me! What’s the deal? What do girls really say behind their boyfriend’s back? I know you know, Gay Dude.
-Living In Paranoid Park
Dear Living in Paranoid Park,
I know so many things! I know that when you have sex sometimes, it can be pretty mechanical and loveless. She just wishes you would make love to her, you know? Oh and just between me and you, you should probably go down on her more often. She gives you BJ’s all the time and you apparently don’t reciprocate. On the bright side though, your dick is supposed to be fabulous! It’s thick and pink and actually gives her orgasms. Go you! But can we just talk for a sec about the walls you’ve put up? She thinks it stems from your mother abandoning you when you were five. Achieving intimacy is scary for you because you’re worried she’s going to leave you just like the rest of them have. Don’t worry. She won’t. Just eat her out more, dammit!
J/K but not really. As her close friends, we’re privy to a lot of personal information. We know what you did last summer, last night, and maybe even tomorrow night. It’s not like we get together and have a hatefest. However, if she’s frustrated about something, we will girl talk about it. It’s healthy to do these kinds of things. It deletes resentment and helps get things off of your girlfriend’s chest. Believe me, it does your relationship a favor. We are not the big gay enemy!
What do straight guys talk about? According to every romantic comedy I’ve seen, you don’t spend a lot of time talking about your feelings. The conversations typically run along the lines of, “Sex. Sports. Sportssex.” But I think that’s just some Matthew McConaughey bullshit. You must have moments of substance that are like, “Bro. Hey Bro. What’s bumming you out, bro? Brooooooooooo. Is she being a bitch to you? Talk to me, bro!” Okay, I obviously have no fucking idea what straight guys talk about, but I have a hard time believing that you don’t talk some shit yourself. Any relationship problems you’re experiencing have to be aired out somewhere, right? Where do you go? What do you do? How do you cope? Do you just let them evaporate into the heterosexual air while beating your bare chest and doing squats?
At the end of the day, you shouldn’t be worried about what your girlfriend says about you. There are only two people in a relationship and the rest is just static noise, frosting, dressing, a wilted cherry on top. Even if we wanted her to break up with you, we wouldn’t have the power or the influence so don’t stress!