Abstract Missed Connections

Woman seeking her period

I see you once a month usually in my bathroom. You’re annoying and familiar, but your presence has positive connotations. This month, however, you’ve eluded me. I haven’t run into you in my bathroom or a restaurant or even at a party. I would love to reconnect with you. I need to reconnect with you. If I don’t, it could mean very bad things for me. To be honest period, I’m just not prepared to live my life without you. As much as I complain to my friends about how emotional you make me and what an inconvenience you are, I still like having you around. Where are you hiding? Is this a joke? If it is, it’s not funny. Please. Come back.

Male seeking his heterosexuality

I saw you once when I was seven years old while watching a clip of Basic Instinct. I reacted, um, positively, to Sharon Stone and thought this meant we would be together forever. But now I’m 16 and I can’t seem to find my heterosexuality ANYWHERE. Where did you go? You left me and were replaced by your wacky party cousin, homosexuality. It’s sort of imperative that we reconnect ASAP because my parents are Mormon and we live in Utah. Since you’ve been gone, things have been dark. I’ve been pressing the pause button on the shot of Ryan Phillippe’s ass in Cruel Intentions and doing weird things to my body, things you never would make me do. I don’t get it! My cousin, Robby, is tight with you. He jacks off to Megan Fox, like, everyday. So why can’t we hang out again? Am I not good enough for you? Please! Come back to me! I don’t want to go to gay rehab.

Female seeking her dignity

We’re usually always together, Dignity. I see you constantly! But last night at the Pheta Kappa Pi party, I lost you when I took my fifth shot of Patron. You were just like, “K, bye” and I haven’t seen you since! This morning, I woke up in some random guy’s bed. I think his name was Brock? And he told me, “Your dignity called when you were asleep and told me to tell you to fuck off.” Rude! After all we’ve been through together, you just up and leave. Anyway, I went downstairs to the beer pong table to see if you were there and I couldn’t find you. Then I went back upstairs to Brock’s bed and saw you hiding under the covers, creep! So stop hiding. I know you’re there. Bitch.

Male seeking Soho loft

My broker introduced us and I felt like we had an instant connection. You had exposed brick, high ceilings and a column. I was young, cute, and too broke to have you. I mean, you are definitely out of my league, you sexy lil’ bitch. But I was wondering if you’d be interested in meeting again. I just felt like we had something special and with a little remix on the price, we could be together forever. Imagine the wonderful things we could do. Let the idea marinate and we’ll K.I.T. P.Y.T.

Lindsay Lohan seeking her career

We locked eyes during Parent Trap and made out furiously on Mean Girls. Yes, I’m talking about you, Career. Look, I know I’ve been a little nightmare the past five years. I left you mostly for cocaine and Samantha Ronson’s vagina, but I’m ready to touch base again. Let’s face it: Momma needs you. You think I give a shit about leggings and spray tans? As if. I want YOU. Call me back. I’ve been trying to reach you ever since I left the “spa”, but you’ve been ignoring me. Where the FUCK are you? Talking to that whore from Winter’s Bone? Fuck it. I actually don’t need you. I just wish the lambs would stop screaming…TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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  • federico

    yea she was a ho

  • http://newhandsweepstakes.com/writings/this-is-your-cat-on-drugs/ Brian McElmurry

    Funny

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Carlos-Ortiz/1279921705 Carlos Ortiz

    “Your dignity called when you were asleep and told me to tell you to fuck off.”
    This line made me laugh out loud, I thought it was a very comedic line for an anthropomorphized character trait.

  • http://twitter.com/JosephErnest Joseph Ernest Harper

    mate. cracked up massive at “wacky party cousin”.

  • http://www.twitter.com parker lee

    nicely written!

  • http://twitter.com/magalinahag magalina hagalina

    Impressive ability to speak from a female's perspective re: lost periods.

  • http://twitter.com/BrotherBear_Ry Ryan Culliver

    Re: Lindsay Lohan Seeking Her Career:
    Dear Lindsay, Girl I'm only a hop, skip, and SNL performance away! I miss you too! It's been too long. I know you've been having your fun the past couple of years but I can garauntee sam's vag is not as comforting as a hard day's work & a substantial paycheck. Remember Speak!? Those were the days, when the rumors were false, when you had a legitimate claim for people to back up off you and let you live. Well that's enough nostalgia, good luck in court, girl. I see you in that Chanel top to bottom (Let that judge know who's boss). Let me know when you're ready to get back on that proverbial horse!
    Love,
    Missing Mean Girl Lindsay

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