Live-Blogging The Oscars

Get ready for three hours of sequins and bullshit. It’s the Oscars! I’ll be your guide into the perilous world of couture gowns, indulgent acceptance speeches, and James Franco so buckle up! Shit’s gonna get real weird.

8:23– Hey guys! I’m feeling very hungover right now after last night’s reading series. Were you there? If not, DON’T TALK TO ME. It was so fun and thank you to everyone who attended. Anyway, let’s watch this shitshow called the Oscars. I have a feeling it’s going to be very strange this year.

8:27– Thank God the red carpet is ending. Why doesn’t anyone ask ME what I’m wearing? For the record, I’m wearing Regret by A.P.C. and my pants are Depression by Alexander Wang.

8:35– Um, my friends just rewinded it so there’ll be like a 3 minute delay to everything.

8:37– It’s just a fact that Alec Baldwin makes everything funnier. Also, Ambien is always hilarious.

8:39– Anne Hathaway in an eye patch is funny and I don’t know why.

8:41– James Franco’s ass in ballet attire is the reason why the pause button exists on DVR.

8:43– Revelation: James Franco looks more stoned in HD.

8:45– The Oscars are my favorite movie.

8:49– Tom Hanks, we don’t have time for Titanic. We also don’t have time for an award for Art Direction.

8:53– The dude who won for cinematography is having a nice “glasses resting on head” moment.

8:56- I was going to say something snarky about Kirk Douglas arriving to the Oscars in a spaceship, but I can’t. He’s like going to die in 3, 2, 1…

8:59– Wouldn’t it be funny if James Franco was replaced by Kirk Douglas? No, it wouldn’t.

9:02– Kirk Douglas made a joke to Melissa Leo and was quickly escorted off  the stage. In other news, Melissa Leo is giving a strange acceptance speech.

9:04– Did Melissa Leo just say “fuck” and proceed to use Douglas’ cane?

9:09– Celebrities are so socially awkward at the Oscars. It’s kind of endearing actually.

9:12- So far, the best moments have been anything Kirk Douglas has said and Melissa Leo being a weirdo freak.

9:14– It’s so cute when Javier Bardem speaks English.

9:16- Time for a real moment: Aaron Sorkin definitely deserved the Oscar for Best Screenplay.

9:17– What’s up with the dramatic music being cued during inappropriate moments? He’s giving his acceptance speech. Back the fuck off.

9:20Inception needs to be deleted from the Oscars. Also, did anyone see The King’s Speech? I couldn’t commit. But I love how the writer didn’t know where the microphone was.

9:27– Anne Hathaway actually has an amazing voice. It’s a great appetizer for the “singing performance” of Gwyneth Apple Moses Paltrow.

9:32– I like Reese Witherspoon. But I don’t think Reese Witherspoon likes Reese Witherspoon.

9:33– Mark Rufalo is the older version of James Franco. True/False?

9:36– I felt so “whatevs” about Christian Bale in The Fighter.

9:38– That being said, I love a good “grown man crying” moment.

9:40– Anne Hathaway just can’t stop switching dresses. Also, it should be noted that James Franco has been M.I.A. for a hot minute now. Maybe he’s cramming for his Abnormal Psych test.

9:43– Close up shots of celebrities’ faces make this so worth it. A camera should be put on Celine Dion at all times.

9:45- Trent Reznor winning an Oscar is the best kind of mindfuck.

9:47- Matthew McConaughey’s face is in a weird place right now.

9:51– Everyone is sucking Christopher Nolan’s dick. Like, he’s gotten 10,000 BJ’s.

9:53- This Celine Dion commercial was really funny until it became about cancer.

9:54– James Franco can only convey two things: Confusion and sexiness.

9:56– Cate Blanchett gets it. Her dress is very 2011 with a hint of 2012.

9:59Alice in Wonderland won for Best Costume Design? Bye.

10:01– Wait, this painful acceptance speech makes it worth it. There goes the cue of that rude music!

10:04– Why is Randy Newman performing? Where’s my macrobiotic diva, Gwyneth?

10:06– Mandy Moore looks stunning. Too bad she’s Mandy Moore :(

10:09–  I just ate ten Oreos and 20 dumplings. This has nothing to do with the Oscars but, it also has everything to do with the Oscars.

10:13– I get exhausted just thinking about the concept of James Franco.

10:15Strangers No More won for Best Documentary Short? Thank Jesus! I can stop watching now. It’s a wrap!

10:17- Wait, this guy who’s winning right now is actually 19.

10:19– Auto-Tune at the Oscars? I can’t. Well, maybe I can.

10:21– Oprah at the Oscars needs to be a regular thing. “When things are bad, we go to the movies…and stress eat.”

10:22– I wonder if Oprah gets an Oscar for presenting an Oscar.

10:27– Billy Crystal at the Oscars is proof we can bring dead people back to life!

10:30– I don’t care about any of this Bob Hope business. When are they going to deliver their montage of dead people?

10:32– Jude Law’s hair loss is possibly the most devastating thing to ever happen to anyone ever.

10:36– There’s less than an hour left and the Oscars haven’t even started!

10:43- I love when they have presenters to present presenters.

10:45– Gwyneth sings exclusively in “twang” and “bullshit.”

10:47– Randy Newman needs to be buried. He seriously has the Oscars by the donkey balls. Wait, do donkeys have big balls?

10:53– Celine Dion singing to dead people. Stop. Don’t stop. No. Yes. Maybe.

10:58– Don’t front, Halle Berry. You hate the Oscars. Winning for Monster’s Ball killed your career. It caused Gothika, Catwoman, and everything else she’s starred in since.

11:03– Hilary Swank is such an interesting celebrity. She’s only starred in two good movies, both of which she won Oscars for, and everything else is crap. I’m also getting vibes that Anne Hathaway hates her, but maybe I’m just being paranoid park.

11:05. David Fincher and Darren Aronofsky have been robbed. Someone please call the police.

11:09– James Franco needs to go back to Mars where he’s doing scientific research and also filming a romantic comedy with Tilda Swinton called, Down 2 Earth. Um, what I just said is a lie.

11:13– I want Jeff  Bridges to be my grandfather.

11::15Rabbit Hole was one of the best movies of the year. Nicole Kidman even makes an expression in it.

11:17– NATALIE PORTMAN YES NATALIE PORTMAN GODDESS OF THE BALLET EARTH.

11:22– Oscar winner Sandra Bullock just sounds wrong.

11:26– I would just die if James Franco won for Best Actor. Does he even know he’s at the Oscars? Oh, wait. He just lost.

11:27– What if you won and just vomited at the podium?

11:33– I have twelve minutes of battery left on my computer and no charger. CHOP CHOP, OSCAR!

11:37The King’s Speech wins Best Picture? Fuck you. Bye.

11:38– I’m serious. I really have to go. My computer’s dying. TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • POllY

    Alec Baldwin was great

  • http://wayindie.blogspot.com kelly huckaby

    kirk douglas has them earlobes

  • POllY

    Jesus. She just said fuck.

  • Matthewmjgonzalez

    is it just me or does billy crystal have the same make up artist as kim jong il?

    • PERFECTCIRCLES

      I told a friend he must have had plastic surgery because he has no wrinkles and is “at least 70.” Turns out he's 63, but I still think he's had work done.

  • Sars

    I want to suck thought catalogs dick

  • OscarViewer

    Annette Bening's performance in The Kids Are All Right displayed far more talent than Natalie Portman's in Black Swan. Just saying.

  • http://twitter.com/blingless Dave P

    There is no chop-chopping Oscar, Ryan.

  • Pan

    TC's live-blogging the Oscars made the Oscars worth watching. The King's Speech wins out of all those contenders? B, b, b, bb, bullocks!

  • damn yunnie

    No, Ryan, fuck YOU!. Did you even see “The King's Speech?” JUst because “The Social Network” is about your generation, doesn't mean that it should have won best picture. Plus, that movie had been made before — go see the made for tv “Pirates of Silicon Valley” — much better. You're such a typical trust fund yunnie.

    • Stu

      Maybe he wanted Winter's Bone to win. Maybe you're an asshole.

    • EmiliaBedelia

      whoa.

    • http://twitter.com/JosephErnest Joseph Ernest Harper

      Did you even see The King's Speech? It was really pedestrian. Sure, there was nothing 'wrong' with it. But there was nothing interesting about it either. The Social Network had a really good script, a performance from its lead actor which was exceptional (charismatic against all odds), a score that seems innovative and perfectly suited, a good supporting cast (okay, not that asian girl, but everyone else seemed to put in a good show). I dunno man. Seems like the Social Network losing to the King's Speech is pretty bad.

  • Hel

    SO GOOD AND FUNNY RYAN LOVE IT!!

  • http://twitter.com/JosephErnest Joseph Ernest Harper

    These are things about the Oscars that seemed 'fucked' to me:

    1. Black Swan wasn't even nominated for a sound award (sound design on that flick was hot).
    2. Eisenberg didn't take down “Old Man Firth”. Conjuring that amount of charisma out of a computer programmer shouldn't be possible.
    3. Dogtooth should have crushed it.
    4. Black Swan's cinematography seemed like a sure thing to me. Innovative, and technically magnificent.
    5. Not sure Tom Hooper actually did any “direction”.

    I dunno. I guess everyone knows it's a scam right?

  • PERFECTCIRCLES

    I'm James Franco. I do not know what the fuck I was doing on stage tonight and I apologize to all the viewers.

  • yddedref
  • Guest

    Please reconsider your use of the word “rape” (even if it were done facetiously) in your tweet (“The Social Network was raped by The King's Speech. It's going to the clinic tomorrow to get checked out. So sad. “). Just because the result of the awards may be tragic to you, there's no need to trivialize sexual violence by equating rape with nonviolent award show.

  • Eringoldberger

    Haha Ryan. This is pretty incredible. 9:47- Matthew McConaughey’s face is in a weird place right now.

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