Lindsay Lohan’s New Film Role

This was published on my personal blog eight months ago. Sadly, it’s still very relevant.

Yesterday, it was announced that filming may resume on Lindsay Lohan’s upcoming film,  Locked Up & Pissed About It. Also starring her friends Denial, Addiction, and Self-Loathing, Lohan will stretch her acting chops by playing a washed-up starlet who spends her life wearing chic outfits to hearings and getting sentenced to jail. With no access to her Twitter or close friend Kim Kardashian behind bars, the actress is forced to look inward for happiness- a process that involves close readings of The Secret, musical collaborations with Matchbox Twenty’s Rob Thomas and the occasional love affair with an auto-mechanic/convicted felon named Mitsy. Sources say a sequel is already in the works. It will follow her life after jail, which includes a 60-day stint at Broken Promises, a rehab clinic that bases its practices on the fundamentals of reverse psychology. According to its website, an addict receives a 90-minute massage and a gold pony every time he or she relapses. Although such techniques boast a 0% recovery rate, the clinic has a four-star rating on Yelp because of the  ”killer sushi and hot therapists.” Looks to be a blockbuster. Good luck, Lindsay! Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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