Dear Jessie Spano from Saved By The Bell,
Remember when you got addicted to caffeine pills and you were “so excited”? I loved that for you. Oh, and remember when you dated A.C. Slater—the artist also known as Mario Lopez—the chauvinistic wrestler? I loved that for you too. Granted, it was super unrealistic. A high school wrestler would never date the token feminist, but boy did it make for some passionate arguments and comedic fodder! Your hair, your height, your convictions; everything about you terrified viewers! Maybe it’s because you bear a striking resemblance to the exotic dancer in Showgirls. Like Nomi, you also possess stiff posture and a need to attack people for no reason at all. Hmm.
Your Adderall Dealer