Dear Serena van der Woodsen from Gossip Girl,
Why do you talk like you have marbles in your mouth? Are you on Xanax? If you were, it would explain the slurred speech and dull personality. I guess I just don’t get you. You’re supposed to be this super scandalous person who has slept with every major character except for Blair and your gay brother. You’ve done coke, accidentally killed someone and slept with your best friend’s boyfriend. But even when you’re doing these wild things, you’re still just, like, so bored. Even on the rare occasion when you’re supposed to act passionately about something, I can see your face struggling to express any emotion other than apathy. You have a great wardrobe though.