Letters to Fictional TV Characters

Dear Serena van der Woodsen from Gossip Girl,

Why do you talk like you have marbles in your mouth? Are you on Xanax? If you were, it would explain the slurred speech and dull personality. I guess I just don’t get you. You’re supposed to be this super scandalous person who has slept with every major character except for Blair and your gay brother. You’ve done coke, accidentally killed someone and slept with your best friend’s boyfriend. But even when you’re doing these wild things, you’re still just, like, so bored. Even on the rare occasion when you’re supposed to act passionately about something, I can see your face struggling to express any emotion other than apathy. You have a great wardrobe though.


Disillusioned Girl


Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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  • http://newhandsweepstakes.com/writings/tijuana-story-by-brian-mcelmurry/ Brian McElmurry

    Liked the xanax/mush mouth part

  • deecie

    This article made my day. :)

  • http://twitter.com/BrotherBear_Ry Ryan Culliver

    Dear Audrina, real life is totally safe to go back to. I promise.

  • GIRL


  • RamonaCC

    Carrie the smoker was so much better and less annoying than post-nicotine-patch Carrie.

  • http://twitter.com/JosephErnest Joseph Ernest Harper

    Commenting after each page.

    When I used to talk about this show with people I knew, I used to pretend I had the hots for Miranda. It was a way of giving myself a point of difference. Like, everyone liked the brunette. And I'd say, 'I dunno guys. I just really like that career woman one. Something about her. Really into it.' It was a total ruse. But then as it went on, I found my constructed attraction turned into what seemed to be a much 'realer' attraction. Now I actually like her the best. Really into her.

  • http://twitter.com/JosephErnest Joseph Ernest Harper

    Never seen this show (Gosssip Gurls). Is it like the OC? I watched the first two seasons of the OC over a week long period three years ago. Me and one of my flatmates broke into my other flatmate's bedroom while he was out of town and lay in his bed and just watched it pretty much non-stop. Was the most awesome platonic bed sharing experience of my life. We ate bagels and pretended to be Jews. So chill.

  • http://twitter.com/JosephErnest Joseph Ernest Harper

    Always thought that SBTB character seemed like she'd be a bitch in real life.

  • http://twitter.com/JosephErnest Joseph Ernest Harper

    Never watched this.

  • http://twitter.com/JosephErnest Joseph Ernest Harper

    The Hills seems like it was a societal low. Like post-The Hills things of this sort seemed to ascend into a kind of parody. Like it realised, 'fuck, this is shit.' or something.


    i honestly could not agree more with the serena vdw bit. she is so fucking vacant, i do not understand it at all. spot on.

    • Sars

      totes ! first sentence was perfect. is this the most incestuous show ever btw?!?!

  • Oedipa

    Jessie “I loved that for you” ???

    The Audrina one is legitimately creepy. Especially the part about her staring at the sun.

  • Jess

    love this…especially the one about Audrina. She has always resembled a robot to me.

  • Smack

    Let us not forget Donna being a victim of domestic abuse at the hands of her slow-jam bf Ray.

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