How to Have An Insane Roommate

Need someone to move into the second bedroom in your shabby chic apartment ASAP. Resort to Craiglist and make the following ad:

26-year-old young female professional seeks roommate to move in to my adorable spacious apartment ASAP! A little about me: I’m low-maintenance, fun to be around and only a psycho bitch a few days a month (Just kidding. That was just a little Craiglist humor. Don’t be scared.) You should fit the following criteria: full-time job, easygoing, not insane, and clean. An added bonus if you enjoy margaritas and are open to the concept of Taco Tuesdays. Pics are attached. Let me know!

Field many responses from people who live in China, 58-year-old men looking for a certain kind of arrangement and vegans. For a moment, feel dejected and hopeless. Then seemingly on cue, receive an e-mail from a girl named Maeghan—a 24-year-old recent UCLA graduate who seems normal enough. You immediately check her Facebook page and find nothing too offensive. There are photos of her getting drunk and making weird faces in questionable outfits, but that’s the norm these days. Schedule a meeting at your apartment.

She comes to your apartment in workout clothes explaining that she just came from ice skating practice. “I used to train professionally, but I took a break and now I’m fixin’ to get back into it.” Think of this as a good sign. She has goals, which must mean she’s a functioning person of society. Great! The interviewing process is obviously awkward. You’re both trying to come off as sane, but in the end, it’s just a bunch of nervous laughter and fidgeting. Whatever. You can’t cover next month’s rent by yourself so have her move in and just hope for the best.

The first few weeks are great. You’re getting to know each other and everything seems so fresh and fun. You even have a “roomie bonding” night, which involves drinking too many margaritas and talking about shitty ex-boyfriends. “I’m really glad this worked out,” You slur to her after ingesting the second pitcher. “I have to admit I was a little apprehensive that this could be like Single White Female, but I can tell it won’t be.” “Oh my god, trust me. I’m not gonna go crazy on you,” Maeghan clutches your hand from across the table. “I like you too and if you ever have a problem with me, let’s talk about it. I’m all about communication.” You hug and skip off together in the drunken night. Roomies 4EVER.

After a few months of living together, cracks begin to develop in the beautiful roomie picture. One day, Maeghan comes home from ice skating practice complaining of being charged $15.00 for an iced mocha. “Um, no you weren’t,” You respond. “Iced mochas are like $4.00.” She’s adamant about the pricing though and the lie just seems too bizarre to fight so you drop it. The next day, you go to the cafe Maeghan was talking about and find out they charge $5.75 for a large. Walk away from the experience feeling sufficiently weirded out.

Create a stupid voicemail message that tricks the caller into believing they’ve reached you. “Hello? Hello? Can’t hear you.” You know it’s lame, but you were waiting for a friend to pick you up for lunch and needed a way to kill time. A month later, try reaching your roommate and discover, to your shock and horror, that they’ve recorded the same exact prank voicemail on their machine. Again, this is too strange to bring up. There’s no way to ask, “Um, why did you copy my voicemail message?” without looking like a petty asshole. But still. That’s weird, right?

Your friends don’t like her. “Never trust anyone who spells Megan with an extra ‘a’ and ‘h’. She’s a freak on a leash.” This is a valid point, but still feel guilty. She may lie about the price of iced mochas and steal your voicemail ideas, but she’s super sweet. She’s like a little puppy dog who needs a hug…all the time. You feel bad for her.

Start to question everything that comes out of her mouth. When she mentions having had a national rank as an ice skater when she was younger, tell her that you want to see it. Watch her stiffen up and be like, “Oh, I have the paper at my mom’s house.” LIAR LIAR ICE SKATER LIAR. WHY MUST YOU LIE ABOUT SUCH INCONSEQUENTIAL THINGS? Tell her that you would love to see the paper one day.

Have your “About me” on Facebook read: I like pad thai, los angeles, boys who treat me like shit, and dinner parties.” One day, lurk your roommate’s Facebook and discover she has changed her “About me” to: I like pad see ew, el ay, jerky boys, and dinner parties.” OH MY GOD. She has stolen your Facebook identity AKA the essence of who you truly are. This must stop.

Whenever Maeghan speaks to you, tune her out and just think, “That’s a lie. You terrify me. Why are you lying about the traffic at Whole Foods today? There’s never any traffic at Whole Foods, you psychotic crazy person!”

In lieu of having any confrontation, just become very passive agressive towards her. After noticing she has taken your last egg, be like, “Hey Maeghan. Did you eat my last egg? I seriously don’t care. I was just wondering. Like I wanted it really badly, but it’s no big deal.” Watch your roommate apologize profusely and start to feel guilty. Remember that she’s not a bad person. Her lies aren’t malicious and she’s not mean. She’s just mentally unstable.

Realize that having any conversation with Maeghan about her overall creepy behavior is pointless because she’s delusional enough to believe her own lies. Maybe she did pay $15.00 for an iced mocha. Maybe she did have a national rank as an ice skater. I mean, she didn’t. But she did, you know? Figure the best way out of this situation is to move out when the lease is up and never speak to her again. Move into a studio apartment. Ignore her Facebook messages. Change your voicemail and Facebook. Just Ctrl+Alt+Delete the entire experience. Bye Maeghan! TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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  • Jenna

    just me or does this “insane roommate” seem like an incredibly typical 20-something girl? you clearly have not had a truly insane roommate yet.

    • ette

      just wait until you encounter a roommate who is moonlighting as a craigslist escort!

      • HiredGoons

        Trannie craigslist escort.

    • Student

      Agreed – in New York, I've had roommates who ranged from professionally passive-aggressive to awkwardly eccentric to DEEPY, positively, should-be-institutionalized INSANE. This roommate described here doesn't sound so bad. Still enjoyed the essay though.

  • Dan

    Man. $5.75 for a large ice mocha. So cheap! I need to move to New York. (I understand this isn't the point of this story.)

  • Maeghhan

    she's a freak on a leash…yessss

  • deecie

    Well i definitely LOL-ed…

  • Christie

    I had a friend like that, had to put up with her stupid little lies all through high school!
    It just never seemed worth it to call her out on whether or not she failed a test, or her mom was dying of cancer, or her toe was broken (8 times, really?!). After reading this though, I really wish I had revealed to her that I knew.
    I just cut her out of my life once we graduated, now I almost miss the hilarity of her lies…

  • Mish

    A work of art.

  • rwc

    Oh I get it. It's ironic because your both equally as insane. Getting worked up over her “inconsequential lies” and feeling the need to drop her after the climactic egg affair. Very good.

    • MAEGHHAN

      ugh tired of you people and your predictable anti-ryan comments. dont take it so seriously. sheeshhhhh, its funny!

      • rwc

        I'm not anti-Ryan! I was actually picturing this as written by someone completely different based on JENNA's comment before I wrote mine.

  • http://twitter.com/inaccuratemap Morgan

    My friend had a roommate in college who was a little “off”. She was sweet enough. My friend realized that she was leaving her webcam on 24/7 so her thirty-something boyfriend could watch her. So we did a little standard internet digging and found her online poetry account. we rapped them drunk for a while but stopped after the one about necrophilia.

  • Sunshine

    I think the insane roommate would blog about petty things.

  • Mnightshalaymanan

    Here is a list of things my roommate did before I booted her (in chronological order and increasing weirdness):

    1. Started drinking a beer occasionally to unwind after seeing me do exactly the same after work. Dainty Singaporean girls studying Art History don't drink beer.

    2. Tell me that my laugh was 'infectious' after she head me snort at the one funny moment in Zizic's A Pervert's Guide to Cinema (the bit about how flowers are slutty and therefore disgusting)

    3. Leave her bedroom door open (which had till this point remained closed) to reveal the copy of an Idiot's Guide to Psychoanalysis.

    4. Let out little sighs every once in a while when around me.

    5. Begin to play Cat Power at deafening levels after I had 'liked' her on FB

    6. Hang around outside the toilet door while I took a crap. At first I thought I was crazy and settled down by telling myself that she was near the bookshelf. I opened the door to find her waiting there by the door, where she heard every sound I was making. There was only one other person living in that house and that person was in the toilet.

    7. Address me as you, as in 'hey you'.

    She cried when I told her she had to go, then threatened to 'report me' to authorities.

    • http://twitter.com/t_baugh Travis Baugh

      “zizic”

  • ;]

    My roommate has borderline personality disorder and lost the pet anaconda.

    • ;]

      *python

  • mhm

    lmao has anyone watched 'the roommate?'

  • argh

    this is a descri[tion of my boyfriend. He has now worked out how to open the toilet door from the outside. It's driving me insane., I have no privacy and he asks me what I'm doing when I'm quite clearly taking a dump.

    Plus the walls are incredibly thin and everyone else on our floor can hear our fucking call and response to the question of what I am doing int he toilet. FUCKING SHIT DEATH ARGH

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2013/02/%e2%80%98keep-calm-and-carry-on%e2%80%99-is-a-big-steaming-pile-of-crap/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    […] the hell is this Bible for Basic Bitches doing in my apartment? I thought to myself. I immediately texted my roommate — a vivacious redhead who doesn’t seem like the type of person to fall for this […]

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