Listening to Vivian Girls transforms you into the # 1 teenage brat. You’re dancing around in your room feeling pissed off because a boy named Teal won’t call you back. You’ve liked him for a long time and he’s the only guy who actually knows who The Replacements are in your shithole suburban town. Why the FUCK won’t he call you back? Maybe you’ll start a zine about boys and sell it in an independent bookstore. Bursts of creativity are coming through you as you play “Tell The World” and you just wanna write in black Sharpie, “I H8 BOYS” on your bedroom wall, but you can’t because your mom would be mad. Maybe you should move to Portland or Olympia or even Brooklyn, and date assholes there who love The Replacements and are complete frosted flakes. God, you are a pissed off bratty girl right now. Where are your Doc Martens and American Spirits? It’s time to walk to the coffee shop.
You know what’s a great activity? Fucking. You know what makes fucking even better? Portishead. It’s a fact. Portishead make the perfect music for kinky sex. Listen to “Glory Box”, turn off the lights, and wait for two to become one. Their music brings out the sexy dark side of your personality. Maybe you should, like, play with knives or something. No, wait, that would hurt. Well, you’re gonna scratch the shit out of your lover’s back tonight. And when it’s all over, you’ll play “It Could Be Sweet” because it’s sort of tender and you like to snuggle afterwards. You are so sexual.
You are ready to go out on the town tonight. Britney’s here, bitch, and you may be queer. You’re playing Blackout in your apartment and taking shots with your girls because that album is great for pre-graming. She makes you want to get all rowdy and sexy at the club. Wait, is your friend Denise chopping up lines of coke right now? Shit, should you do that? Britney’s got you grooving and feeling good. Maybe just one bump. OK, you’re going to put on “Radar” because it’s a pretty good song to snort lines to. Wow. That coke is really good. You start to think about Britney Spears being a really misunderstood artist and how the media made her go crazy. It’s super sad. Oh no! The album ended. Wait, it’s already midnight? Let’s play one more song.
You’re smoking a joint or maybe you’re just driving through Laurel Canyon on a sunny day blasting “Ramble On.” This song reminds you of your dad and being six years old, sitting on his lap. Aw, you miss your childhood. Hell, you even miss your dad. You should call him. Now you’re playing “That’s The Way” and you seriously feel like you’re living in the ’60s. God, it must’ve been awesome to live during that time. Everyone just seemed more honest and simple. Like, genuinely happy, and now everyone is just super affected and gross. Hearing Led Zeppelin just makes you so happy and forget things like the internet even exists. You’re calling your dad now.
This music is so embarrassing. Jenny Lewis was your personal Jesus in high school because she was so cute and her lyrics seemed so deep, but listening to them now, they sound like the musings of a 15-year-old girl who wears too much eyeliner. “All our friends were standing there with their pets just talking shit blah blah blah the modern age blah blah blah disappearing ground,” GROSS. How did you ever listen to this crap? Rilo Kiley reminds you of being sad in your room and waiting for your high school sweetheart to call. They never would though so you would just turn up some Rilo Kiley and scream the lyrics, “And Mexico can FUCKING wait.” Wow. You need to turn this off ASAP.
Listening to foreign music makes you want to smoke a cigarette in the bathtub and drink a glass of wine because life is so bleak. When things are sung in a language you can’t understand, it makes you think about running off to Paris on a whim and moving into a shitty flat to just do your art. Isn’t that what CocoRosie did? Or Molly Ringwald? You’d spend your days completely solitary because you wouldn’t know a soul. Miraculously though, you’d meet a friend in a dimly-lit cafe and this person would introduce you to their Parisian world. It would change your life and soon you’d be sitting in your smoky apartment drinking wine and chain smoking and listening to Edith Piaf records all day long with your new friends.