Dear Gay Dude: I Love Sl*ts

Dear Gay Dude,

I have this problem of always dating the wrong girls. Looking back, I can see that they’ve all been the same: Hot, dumb, and willing to do kinky shit in the bedroom. I know this isn’t good, but whenever I meet a girl who’s actually smart and calls me on my bullshit, it’s a major bonerkill for me. It sucks. I want to stop dating retarded slutty girls and date someone of quality, but it’s like my dick won’t let me. How do I change what I’m attracted to?

-I Love Sluts

Dear I Love Sluts,

I can’t tell you how many times my hetero guy friends have complained to me about having this issue. Here’s the deal. Are you familiar with the concept of the Madonna and The Whore? It’s basically the two female archetypes, according to some men. The Madonna is like Jackie O. She’s the woman you want to spread your seed with and have pop out lots of your babies. She’s not sexualized because you respect her too much. She’s your equal, which is so not hot. The Whore, meanwhile, is like Marilyn Monroe. She’s the girl you basically fuck and do naughty things with without feeling guilty about it because you don’t respect her. I mean, how could you respect someone with a ravenous sexual appetite?

So if you haven’t guessed it by now, The Madonna and The Whore concept is totally fucked. It means you’re only capable of seeing women as one-dimensional figures. The fact is that you should be sexually attracted to smart capable women. Why do men lose respect for a woman they sleep with? It’s like they’re instantly tainted or something. Some guys gravitate towards chaste women—the kind of woman they want to marry—because they haven’t been touched by other men. You’re the first to conquer her. Ugh, it’s so barbaric! And don’t get me started on double-standards….

Women are Jackie O. and Marilyn. They want to stick their finger up their ass and talk about Proust (or whatever the fuck you like) afterwards. But you have to let them. Stop compartmentalizing everything. “This is the woman I sleep with. This is the woman I marry.” NO!

Changing is not going to be easy. Unconscious sexism is so deep-rooted and…unconscious. Just start being aware of what you’re doing and why you’re unable to get a boner for a smart girl. Think about what that really means. And then think about it harder. Meet a really smart girl and I challenge you to sleep with her in the best way you see fit. It will still feel good and you’ll even feel better about yourself!

Gay Dude TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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  • christopher lynsey

    Kind of with Charles Warnke on this one.

  • Brian McElmurry

    You know the quiet ones are the freaks, actually. The slutty, loud chicks that you think are crazy nymphos, aren't always that way. Maybe one night they are because they think they should be. But that quiet librarian, office assistant, professional, whatever, are the freaks. It's like this: the girls that put on they are this “crazy wild chick,” are doing so because they aren't, but the girls that are quiet and have that look in their eye, are the freaks. Think if you were a freak, and getting freaking, would you want everyone to know, or just the one/ones you're getting freaky with? It's the quiet ones, not the loud ones. Seriously, and they are smart and you can talk with them. Instead of being annoyed by them.

    • shoehorn


      • christopher lynsey


    • Evan Hatch

      everything brian mcelmurry knows about women, he learned from porn

      • Brian McElmurry

        Damn! I was found out ;-)

  • MarcoPolo

    “Really smart girl”

    Hahahaha. Oh man it's completely obvious I'm not working after that laugh session.

  • GhostGuest

    What I love is that a twentysomething dude is using 1950s references for women!

    However, the point is valid.

    Bold and uninhibited smart chicks are where it's at.

  • Eric Zorn

    Yeah!! I'm glad you are finally writing a column like this. I know we talked about it around New Years, I stopped writing mine though as I had other things I had to do…

  • Wow

    Outrageously generalizing statement about heterosexual men! Implied statement about refined sexual sensibilities of homosexual men. Reductive and misogynistic statement about the typology of women. Presumptive statement assuming that because you have a dick you understand how straight men, who also have dicks, think about the feminine sex. Clichéd, mock-ironic sign-off stating bleeding edge, up-to-the-minute understanding of hip, modern, e-discourse. Dramatically self-unaware piece of ignorance posing the implicit question: Why the fuck are the editors of TC paying you to post the fucking drivel that you do.

    Time to submit: Why being gay means seeing men as either cretinous mongoloids or mobile, beautiful, glitter-sneezing fuck-stations.


    • Tom Smith

      Reductive, condescending, self-important, pseudo-constructive criticism.

    • Evan Hatch


    • Eelala

      stop taking this article so seriously like, now. deductive argue that, sucker!

      • Wow


        If it's serious, it's misogynistic and heterophobic. If it isn't serious, then what the is the point? To poorly write misogyny and heterophobia as some kind of terribly unfunny joke?

        Be more discerning. This wouldn't have value as a piece of writing even if it wasn't using a casual (and apparently oblivious) bigotry as a punchline.

      • Fitzsimons Finn

        I dont know I enjoyed reading it. Suppose mine and a few others' enjoyment hopefully was the point. but now Im taking it seriously too. shit

    • Travis Baugh

      wait…TC writers get paid???

  • joychan

    What's with the amazing advice recently on TC? First Straight Dude and now Gay Dude.

  • Ana

    This is totes true. Happened to me.

  • Lindseetanimoto

    yeah, I wish it was that easy smarty pants. ;-)

  • E5

    You never actually gave him any sound advice on his question, you just re-stated the problem.

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