5 Things To Do After You Graduate College

Amazon / The Graduate
Amazon / The Graduate

1. Move back in with your parents

This may be the most terrifying option, but it also happens to be the most realistic. The first thing you’re going to realize as a post-grad is that life is expensive. Like, just for you to be reading this article right now costs money because you’re probably reading it on your computer, which may’ve been a thousand dollars. You have clean clothes on that had to have been washed. Maybe you’re even lying in bed. Beds are super expensive. But you know what’s not expensive? The rent at your parents’ house. Sure, it comes at the invisible price of freedom and general happiness, but at least you won’t be broke. Maybe your parents are cool now and even go to happy hour. A lot could have changed since you’ve been away. You don’t know! J/K. You do know.

2. Become addicted to drugs

Now is sort of your last chance to get hooked on drugs without it completely derailing your life. And if you’re bored and unemployed, it’s an activity that will take up most of your time and energy. First, pick your drug of choice. It doesn’t even matter if you’ve never even tried it. Just pick something you think you would enjoy and start doing it every day. You have to be super dedicated because certain drugs take longer to become physically addictive. Decide that the next few months will be spent experiencing your “dark place.” Hole up in your room and take drugs, cutting off any communication with the outside world. Minimize your Internet presence so people truly start to worry. Eventually answer a friend’s phone call and tell them you’re just in a really weird headspace right now. Hurt the people you love. Stop tweeting. Have your parents freak out and discuss options for treatment. Explain to them that you’ve just been super sad since graduation and things spiraled out of control. Get sober by the end of the year. Later, refer to the experience as “that one time I randomly got addicted to drugs after graduation.” Everyone will give you a wan smile and change the subject.

3. Consult a psychic

Wander into one of those New Age tarot reading places that’s next to an Applebee’s. Introduce yourself to a woman named Starla Fantasia—a rotund lady with beads dangling from her head—and she’ll take your hands and ask what brings you to her place of business. Say that you just graduated college with a degree in gender studies and things have been pretty bleak. She’ll assuage your fears by rubbing the palms of your hands in a circular motion. She’ll then focus on a line in your hand and make an audible gasp. “What?! Is everything okay?! She’ll respond slowly, “Yesssssss. I just think I’m going to have to do an intensive reading on you. I wasn’t expecting to find this kind of line.” Look at the sign above her head that reads, “Intensive reading: $200.00.” Let out a blood-curdling scream and run as fast as you can.

4. Have a complete identity crisis

You studied writing in college, but, like, maybe you want to go to law school. I mean, you always did love watching Judge Judy. Maybe you’d actually be good at it! Should you take the LSATs? I mean, why not? OK. You’re studying for the LSATs. Oh my god, wait! What the FUCK are you doing? You can’t do law. You wrote your senior thesis on lonely teenagers in Los Angeles. Have you completely lost your mind? Yes. Yes, you have.

5. Don’t apply for jobs

Excuse me, but haven’t you heard of funemployment? Our generation can’t get jobs. It’s like a rule. After you graduate, you’re obligated to do nothing except complain about doing nothing. Gosh, it’s so hard. We’re just victims of horrible timing. I guess you’ll have to spend another day inside watching Reality Bites and totally relating. I mean, you could check Craigslist, but it’s so demoralizing. All of your sudden your body just gets fatigued and your eyes can barely stay open and you feel this pressure rise in your throat. Why torture yourself? You want a job so badly, but…. TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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