Teen Vogue

What It’s About: Profiles of teen celebrities. Every issue, they also go inside the closet of a trust fund pre-teen who loves her Miu Miu bag but cant live without her Balenciaga, Prada, and Escada. My personal favorites are the hard-hitting exposes on teen drinking, teen pill-popping, and teen shopping addictions.
What It Says About You: You’re a mini-Anna Wintour which means you are a pubescent nightmare. When you’re old enough, you’ll probably even apply for an internship at Teen Vogue, following in the illustrious footsteps of Lauren Conrad and Whitney Port. As you get older, you’ll transition to reading grownup Vogue, bag yourself a hedge-funder named Barry and watch the days just languidly pass by. Sometimes, you’ll stir your finger into your cocktail without noticing because you’ll be completely in a daze. You’ll whisper to yourself, “I guess it’s….time….to get ready for the Multiple Sclerosis Disco Dance-Off Charity Ball.” Make no mistake: this will all be because you read Teen Vogue as a child.

Spin

What It’s About: Alternative music that was popular from 1999-2005. Spin is contractually obligated to put Arcade Fire, Yeah Yeah Yeahs and The Strokes on the cover ever year, regardless of whether they have a new album out or not. They also have a fondness for ’90s grunge, Flaming Lips, and New York City. They are the only remaining fans of The Vines and The Hives.

What It Says About You: You’re afraid of change. You like to play Fever To Tell every time you get drunk, and your friends are always like, “There’s actually this new band out called-” and you’ll scream, “Silence!” before they can finish. The mood will be very tense and you’ll just play “Maps” to make it all better. You’ve been told you need to get professional help but you don’t listen. All the answers you need can be found in Oh, Inverted World by The Shins anyway.

Jane

What It’s About: Founded by the same editor of the revolutionary teen magazine, Sassy, Jane was a magazine marketed towards smart hip 20-something women-also known as me- that featured candid interviews with cool celebrities, a devil-may-care attitude and sharp wit. It was sort of like Jesus Christ in magazine form- that is if Jesus Christ was a cute 24 year-old feminist who liked to get drunk and make out with boys. Like everything else good in the world though, it ended up folding. Rude.

What It Says About You: You thank Anais Nin everyday for the existence of Jezebel, which is basically Jane in virtual form. You loathe the traditional girlie mag. You’re a woman who likes to talk about their vagina, orgasms, and the evils of American Apparel. You want to get laid tonight and that is not a crime, okay? Or you’re just a gay dude who’s in tune with the plights of women.

Us Weekly

What It’s About: The wacky things celebrities (often don’t) do. In most tabloids, every story almost always comes back to Jennifer Aniston being single. Poor single Jennifer Aniston. There’s another picture of her grocery shopping. What’s that in her cart? A single lamb chop, a bottle of Smart Water and a depressing cup of yogurt. Someone’s eating alone! Where’s Brad and Angelina? Oh, there they are! They’re in the South of France doting on that lesbian child of theirs, Shiloh! Blasphemy!

What It Says About You: You’re an awful boring person with antiquated ideas about gender and sexuality! You’re also into body-shaming. Aggghh!

BlackBook

What It’s About: BlackBook essentially serves as a guide to the latest hippest restaurants, hotels, and stores for most major metropolitan areas. They interview interesting celebrities like Patricia Clarkson and always put some hot indie princess on the cover. BlackBook is sort of in an awkward place. It doesn’t feel like a proper magazine, but it also doesn’t have a powerful Internet presence like The Fader. The writing’s always solid though so we’ll see!

What It Says About You: You’re an older wealthy hipster, which can be kind of the worst. As the CEO for a T-shirt company, you’re traveling for business constantly, always staying at hotels like The Standard or The Roosevelt. You be up in the blogs like crazy, and you better believe believe you have the new Grizzly Bear! You act way younger than your actual age but it’s sort of NBD when you’re super rich.

Cosmopolitan

What It’s About: Making women feel bad about themselves. J/K, but kind of not J/K. Cosmo doles out bad sex advice every month, preying on the insecurities of women with their backhanded compliments and condescending tips. This magazine is so gross. Who reads it? I guess I’ll tell you.

What It Says About You: You form your opinions about dating through watching old episodes of The Hills. The book, He’s Just Not That Into You, changed your life and you probably even have The Ugly Truth and Killers listed as your favorite movies on Facebook. You just can’t get enough of Katherine Heigl.

Entertainment Weekly

What It’s About: Entertainment news told in a non-gossipy informative way. Interesting tidbits about the production of certain blockbusters. Agonizingly useless columns from Stephen King. Questionable taste in music.

What It Says About You: You’re a NERD NERD NERD! (Full disclosure: I’m a subscriber.} You’re a critic of some sort who’s in their 30s or 40s with an interest in superheroes. You don’t have sex very much but at least you own all of the Harry Potter movies! Sigh…

The New Yorker

What It’s About: Important smart things with a few “Ha. Ha. Ha.”‘s thrown in for good measure. The state of Joan Didion’s avocado tree is of great interest.

What It Says About You: You love what reading this magazine says about you.  You read it on planes, subways and the occasional train to Connecticut with great pride and superiority. You derive great pleasure from being a New Yorker fan. Feels good being all intellectual and shit, doesn’t it? It’s okay. You can admit it. I understand. I’m here for you, remember?