The Kinds of People You Can Date

You can date someone in the summertime when it’s too hot to have rules. This person might not make sense in February when you’re wearing thick coats and eating too much, but they’ll fit in nicely at a Fourth of July barbecue or a pool party. Your bodies will stick together in the heat and sometimes having sex will be the grossest activity you can think of, but you’ll do it anyway. You’ll understand what it means to be in a “summer mood”, how you can spend three months taking a break from your real life to make out, wear provocative clothing and drink too many margaritas. Your skin will be sun kissed, sand will stick between your toes and you’ll feel kinda sexy. When you start wearing cardigans and throwing yourself back into your work, your summer lover will fade away and the romance will live on as some kind of lost weekend at the beach. That’s okay though. Those who can love you in the summer have a difficult time doing so any other time.

You can date someone who loves you more than you love them. They’ll look at you with complete adoration and hang their jaw in a droopy way that strikes you as charming. You’ll be more goal-driven, more structured and they’ll teach you how to let go and feel worshipped. The inequity in love will be immediately apparent, but you’ll convince yourself that you’re just falling in love with them very, very slowly. After a certain amount of time, you’ll realize it won’t be possible and this swirl of guilt, anger and sadness will develop inside of you. You’ll look at their smitten face and want to spit in it. You’ll act ugly and hate yourself for not knowing how to love them back. There are certain people who are meant to have their hearts broken and there are certain people who are meant to break hearts. You’re not sure which is worse.

You can date someone who will treat you like shit. They’ll be a Scorpio or a sociopath and have an intoxicating energy that’ll suck you in. After a few months, you’ll have completely lost yourself, making excuses for their awful behavior and telling your friends, “You just don’t know them like I do.” Even though you know it’s bullshit and hate yourself, those rare moments of tenderness will keep you involved and make it feel worth it. Hopefully, you’ll hit a wall with this person and tire of the emotional manipulation, abuse and misery. You’ll make a clean break and feel like you’ve woken up from a nightmare. Later, people will tell you that “everyone has that type of person in their life at some point. You know, the kind that abuses you and leaves you wanting the next kick.” Hearing this is supposed to make you feel better about everything. Or maybe it’s not. It’s hard to tell. What you do know is that you’ll never blame yourself for what happened. You’ll always blame them.


Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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  • Joseph Ernest Harper

    made me hot. then lonely.

  • Lazy Roar

    This made me “awww” so hard <3

  • saramcgrath

    lol at scorpio or sociopath, totally

    • Ana

      isn't leo supposed to be worse though?

      • Erin pea

        no way bro

      • saramcgrath

        i'm a leo…did you know that or…

      • Ana

        no, i didn't! hah
        but it's just leo men i think
        leo women are different

  • JoeyMartin

    “Leave them when you stop wondering.” hahaha.

  • Yun

    How the fuck do you write so much? Jesus christ you must never leave your desk.

  • lilykerson

    i rly love this

  • lilykerson

    i rly love this

  • lilykerson

    i rly love this

  • Ja'mie

    omg scorpios are so random

  • Brian McElmurry

    Damn, well done!

  • kar


  • Michael Koh

    this is cute

  • Julian Tully Alexander

    At first I thought I was going to want to kill myself after i read this, but it had a cute unexpected ending. I can relate to a lot of these. Should I fall in love with someone?

    • saramcgrath


      • Julian Tully Alexander

        Ok, I'll try.

  • disc

    Kind of makes you want a GF

  • Deandra Modica

    you are an incredible writer. keep it up.

  • Dave P

    I don't love you.

  • parker lee

    WOw. fuck you're good.

  • Austin Donnelly

    This made me all warm and stuff in the place where my heart should be. Thanks for writing this :)

  • tinaquino

    I think I like this line best:

    Youโ€™ll miss their clavicle most of all.

  • champ

    i just like the ones with the big titties

    • champ1

      clavicle is a collarbone

  • QuackMooMeow

    Now I feel like crap. Thanks D:

  • Jordan


  • Tom

    Great piece. I could think of an example from my own life (and I suspect the authors as well) that fit every relationship decribed here perfectly.

  • emme

    there are tons of people who never find their right partner ..this article makes me depressed's delusional ..nowadays love is very very practical …it's not about you it's about what you have to offer

    • keepmeguessing

      I agree, sir.

  • Mikoloco

    fruck this romantic bs

    • haye

      why the angst?

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