The Frightening Story Behind The 2011 Coachella Lineup

The 2011 lineup for Coachella—a three-day hipster orgy held in the desert that occasionally has live music—has been unveiled and it doesn’t look pretty. Even though it features some amazing bands like Duran Duran, PJ Harvey and the insanity that is Ms. Lauryn Hill, the lineup is inundated with plenty of “WTF?” acts like Bright Eyes, Jimmy Eat World and Brandon Flowers from The Killers. After seeing this travesty of a lineup, we sought out a conversation with a Coachella promoter to find out what in the hell they were thinking. They wouldn’t return our calls (no one does!) so we just made up a conversation. We’re good at that.

Thought Catalog: Hi, Coachella promoter.

Coachella Promoter: Who is this? How’d you get this number?

TC: I’m from Thought Catalog.

CP: What’s that?

TC: Nevermind. I’m here to talk to you about the hilariously bad 2011 Coachella lineup. It’s a joke, right?

CP: It is! You’re one of the few to actually have picked up on that!

TC: Thank God! So where’s the real lineup?

CP: This is the real lineup.

TC: Huh?

CP: Oh, sorry. Yeah, this a joke that’s actually going to happen. Like, it’s a joke that’s not really a joke at all.

TC: Explain yourself.

CP: Ok, so do you remember when some asshole posted a fake Coachella lineup one year?

TC: I think it happens every year.

CP: OK, well we thought it would be funny to post a lineup that everyone would think was fake, but turned out to be actually real. Get it? Ha ha!

TC: Isn’t that a really expensive joke?

CP: Yeah, but Coachella makes so much money that it’s kind of like, “whatevs.” Plus, we always get this rep of being hipper-than-thou and we really wanted to show everyone that we’re all just a bunch of pranksters!

TC: Okaaaaaaay.

CP: Isn’t it funny?

TC: You put Bright Eyes on the lineup. That’s not funny at all. That’s some psychological warfare shit.

CP: Oh, yeah. Getting Bright Eyes was actually a really funny story. You know how Conor Oberst lives in Obscurity now?

TC: Yeah. He sucks. No one cares about him anymore.

CP: No, dude. He actually lives in a town called Obscurity. It’s in Oregon, right outside of Portland.

TC: Genius.

CP: So we got his number from his ex-girlfriend, Winona Ryder. She was like, “Take this and can you please tell him to stop calling me?” Apparently he’s just been living in a studio apartment and spending all his time on OkCupid and clicking “Refresh” on Pitchfork. Anyway, we asked him if he would like to play Coachella this year and he hung up on us, thinking it was a joke. Finally, after calling him like ten times, he picked up and we said, “Conor, you playing Coachella IS a joke, but it’s actually going to happen so will you please just do it?” And then he started strumming his guitar and singing. I guess he doesn’t really talk anymore, he just sings, and he wailed his response, “Yeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssss/no/yesssssssssssssssss/baby/no/yeeeeeeeeessssss.” We think that meant “yes” so we put him on the bill. I hope he shows up. I’ve heard it’s hard to catch a plane out of Obscurity.

TC: I bet it is.

{silence}

CP: So are you excited for Coachella this year?! If you give us your name, we can put you down on a list to do body shots with Mischa Barton!

TC: No. I need to go. I feel really dirty right now. I kind of wish I never found out the truth.

CP: LOL. Ok. See you at the tents! TC mark

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Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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More From Thought Catalog

  • Jason

    I know it's cool to criticize, but really? With a festival of Coachella's size, there are almost certainly going to be bands that you don't like. But there aren't too many of those this year, and are certainly outstripped by the many quality bands…

  • jeez

    who the fuck are crystal castlest

  • http://lazyroar.blogspot.com/ Lazy Roar

    The lineup is the best it's been in like four years. No whining. It's not like you were planning on going anyway.

  • Loconn55

    Hilarious. And, regardless of previous posters, sadly, true.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_6I5AGZ6ZUQZPZCGMA3T265M6KU Franklin

    W T F is going on with Thought Catalog today? No quality control whatsoever…

    1) “hipster orgy… that occasionally has live music”. Oh Bullshit. It's a rock fest. Get a grip. And it hasn't been hip for half a decade. It's an institution, and tickets are bought up by schmucks from around the world.

    2) You are terrible at writing dialogue.

    3) The lineup is fine. The problem, evidently, is you.

    • bliggity blah

      haha the lineup SUCKS

  • derp

    bright eyes has a new album coming out… not that it makes them any better, but, you know, concerning your whole issue about conor oberst's relevancy and all…

  • Punam

    Coachella isn't a real music festival. It's a venue for celebrities to gain cool points.

  • uhnonnymus

    Death From Above reunited, Kanye West, Arcade Fire, Animal Collective, Cee Lo, Jakes, Kyle Hall, Magnetic Man, Mount Kimbie, OFWGKTA, Animal Collective, Arcade Fire, Lil B, SBTRKT, HEALTH, Joy Orbison, Kode9, MEN, OFF!, Ramadanman, Roska, and Wiz Khalifa all playing…and you're complaining?

    • Arnorkneemouse

      Wiz Khalifa fucking sucks.

  • http://www.srslyhip.blogspot.com joey

    if it wasnt for all the effing Cali hipsters it would b the shit. lineup is much better than it was the only year i've gone circa 2008

  • Monch

    What a shitty article.

  • Jewnonymous

    oy…

  • disc

    Shocking article

  • http://www.facebook.com/mdkmdk Michael Kramer

    oh wow

    making fun of conor oberst.

    nobody's ever done that before. maybe you can make a joke about how obnoxious morrissey is next!

    i was going to go through previous lineups and explain why this lineup is basically on the same level in terms of perceived 'quality' but then i realized that this article doesn't deserve that level of thought from anyone.

  • Zachary German

    Number one white cop killer in America, nay the world.

  • jmerlwhat

    you clearly have no taste in music and have never been to coachella. this is one of the best lineups this festival has seen

    • Stve

      Your taste in music must be firmly planted in your ass. How old are you, about 15? sheesh.

  • bailey

    the lineup is rubbish and you are so riiiiiiiiiight!!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Bee-Goode/100001676566533 Bee Goode

    “LEAVE CONOR ALONE” – a bright eyes fan

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