The Frightening Story Behind The 2011 Coachella Lineup

The 2011 lineup for Coachella—a three-day hipster orgy held in the desert that occasionally has live music—has been unveiled and it doesn’t look pretty. Even though it features some amazing bands like Duran Duran, PJ Harvey and the insanity that is Ms. Lauryn Hill, the lineup is inundated with plenty of “WTF?” acts like Bright Eyes, Jimmy Eat World and Brandon Flowers from The Killers. After seeing this travesty of a lineup, we sought out a conversation with a Coachella promoter to find out what in the hell they were thinking. They wouldn’t return our calls (no one does!) so we just made up a conversation. We’re good at that.

Thought Catalog: Hi, Coachella promoter.

Coachella Promoter: Who is this? How’d you get this number?

TC: I’m from Thought Catalog.

CP: What’s that?

TC: Nevermind. I’m here to talk to you about the hilariously bad 2011 Coachella lineup. It’s a joke, right?

CP: It is! You’re one of the few to actually have picked up on that!

TC: Thank God! So where’s the real lineup?

CP: This is the real lineup.

TC: Huh?

CP: Oh, sorry. Yeah, this a joke that’s actually going to happen. Like, it’s a joke that’s not really a joke at all.

TC: Explain yourself.

CP: Ok, so do you remember when some asshole posted a fake Coachella lineup one year?

TC: I think it happens every year.

CP: OK, well we thought it would be funny to post a lineup that everyone would think was fake, but turned out to be actually real. Get it? Ha ha!

TC: Isn’t that a really expensive joke?

CP: Yeah, but Coachella makes so much money that it’s kind of like, “whatevs.” Plus, we always get this rep of being hipper-than-thou and we really wanted to show everyone that we’re all just a bunch of pranksters!

TC: Okaaaaaaay.

CP: Isn’t it funny?

TC: You put Bright Eyes on the lineup. That’s not funny at all. That’s some psychological warfare shit.

CP: Oh, yeah. Getting Bright Eyes was actually a really funny story. You know how Conor Oberst lives in Obscurity now?

TC: Yeah. He sucks. No one cares about him anymore.

CP: No, dude. He actually lives in a town called Obscurity. It’s in Oregon, right outside of Portland.

TC: Genius.

CP: So we got his number from his ex-girlfriend, Winona Ryder. She was like, “Take this and can you please tell him to stop calling me?” Apparently he’s just been living in a studio apartment and spending all his time on OkCupid and clicking “Refresh” on Pitchfork. Anyway, we asked him if he would like to play Coachella this year and he hung up on us, thinking it was a joke. Finally, after calling him like ten times, he picked up and we said, “Conor, you playing Coachella IS a joke, but it’s actually going to happen so will you please just do it?” And then he started strumming his guitar and singing. I guess he doesn’t really talk anymore, he just sings, and he wailed his response, “Yeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssss/no/yesssssssssssssssss/baby/no/yeeeeeeeeessssss.” We think that meant “yes” so we put him on the bill. I hope he shows up. I’ve heard it’s hard to catch a plane out of Obscurity.

TC: I bet it is.

{silence}

CP: So are you excited for Coachella this year?! If you give us your name, we can put you down on a list to do body shots with Mischa Barton!

TC: No. I need to go. I feel really dirty right now. I kind of wish I never found out the truth.

CP: LOL. Ok. See you at the tents! TC mark

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Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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