Last night’s episode of Jersey Shore picked up where we left off with the gang: sitting by a roaring fire and reading a first edition copy of Jane Eyre. Things had gotten pretty heated between Sammi and Jwoww when Jwoww claimed that Helen Burns and Bertha Mason served as representations of the light and dark sides of femininity. Sammi disagreed, stating that Bertha Mason was misunderstood and unfairly vilified. In reality, the characters had more in common with each other than you’d think. Jwoww then called Sammi a heteronormative cunt and things escalated from there.
Oh, I’m sorry. Where am I? That’s not what happened! Jwoww and Sammi were fighting because they hated each other. The episode really began with the two girls attempting to pull strands of hair, punching air and getting frustrated. After observing for a few moments though, the boys thankfully broke it up.
While Sammi put her hair back together, Snooki confronted her about having misdirected anger, pointing out that Ronnie is the person should be mad at (you know, for cheating on her) instead of the girls. Sammi wasn’t having it though. She just plugged her ears and said quietly to herself, “I hate it when things make sense!” The entire house then went to bed except for Snooki. She decided to got more drunk and sit inside of her suitcase.
During the first commercial break, Ronnie appears in an advertisement for a weight loss drug called Xenadrine, claiming it’s responsible for his newly toned physique. I would believe this more if it was a commercial for cocaine, but it’s not so he’s clearly lying.
When the show returns, everyone is getting ready to go out to a club called Karma, which apparently is a very big deal. The grooming rituals of the guidos and guidettes are in full force tonight, spraying their hair with a poisonous chemical and moving their head back and forth at a rapid speed.
Unfortunately, their night out at Karma turns out to be kind of bust. Vinny gets a stalker and publicly humiliates her on national television by calling her a parasite. Elsewhere, Snooki hides in a bush for no apparent reason.
The real fun begins when they arrive home. The Situation and Vinny have collectively bagged a girl that they plan to have a threesome with—that is until Vinny locks him out of the bedroom. Meanwhile, a very drunk Jwoww calls her sourpuss boyfriend Tom and is reminded of their anniversary. Whoops! She forgot! Oh me, oh my. Will they ever survive? I kept on expecting this storyline to return but it never does so I imagine everything turned out fine. Thank God!
So this is when the episode becomes all about Sammi and Ronnie. On Sunday, the happy couple goes to church to—as Sammi puts it—”release their sins.” After spending the day chanting and rubbing oil on their bodies, they make the very bold move of going on a very silent and awkward dinner date in lieu of participating in the Sunday dinner ritual with the rest of their roommates. Naturally everyone is pretty surprised and hurt that Sammi and Ronnie blew off something that has been etched in stone for three seasons! When the two arrive home from their fun-filled day, everyone is like, “Why did you not come to Sunday dinner?” and Sammi’s like, “I could care less about it.”
The next night everyone decides to put the drama to bed and go to the boardwalk for some cheap thrills and fun, but since Sammi has made it her full-time job to be a killjoy, she literally stands in the middle of the boardwalk pouting while everyone else goes on the rides and has a gay ol’ time. At this point, even Ronnie is getting annoyed and shuns her to spend time with the guys. This infuriates her obviously, but then something strange happens. On their way home, Sammi sees something in the sky—a sliver of light, a glow—and realizes it’s coming towards her. Before she can get out of the way, the light lands on Sammi’s head and absorbs into her skull, creating what some like to call an epiphany. This epiphany causes Sam to realize that Ronnie cheated on her for two months on camera and that when the girls told her about it, they were just trying to be good friends. Wow! Where were you eight episodes ago, Moment of Clarity? Do you realize what the viewers had to suffer through in your absence? Delusions! Brattiness! Emotional manipulation! I’m so glad you’re here now. Don’t ever leave.
So yeah. The episode ends with Sammi finally calling Ronnie out on his bullshit. Sweet. I can’t wait to see what mind games Ronnie decides to play on her next week. Stay tuned!