Fame is a funny thing, isn’t it? One day you’re DJing Bat Mitztvah’s in Long Island and getting groped by a grandmother, hoping and praying that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel-a light that will pay for a house in the suburbs with a wife, a dog and a yearly vacation to Hawaii. And then it comes. Except it’s a bigger light than you imagined; it’s a light so huge that it blinds you a bit and makes you go slightly insane. You weren’t prepared for this. Hell, you might have not even wanted it but here it is-blinding you just like you’re Julianne Moore in that movie, Blindness. You don’t really know what to do with the light so you just fist pump until someone tells you to stop. You’ve been fist pumping for awhile now and you’re getting kind of tired. When will someone tell you to stop?
Last night, Season 3 of Jersey Shore premiered on MTV, reintroducing the world to a very tired and irritable Snooki, The Situation, JWoww, Sammi, Ronnie, Vinny, Pauly D and new cast member, Deena, who shows off her vagina halfway through the episode. It begins with the gang feigning excitement as they drive off in their BMW’s to the Seaside Heights house that started it all. Sam and Ronnie arrive first-bringing along their bags that are packed with misery, resentment, and alienation- and they decide to take the best room in the house even though it has three beds. Sigh. It’s already off to a bitter start.
JWoww arrives next and literally scoffs at the sad pathetic sight of Sam and Ronnie and then everyone trickles in, including Snooki’s aforementioned BFF, Deena, who is full of excitement and energy. Little does she know she is two seasons late to the party. The chairs have been packed up, the disco ball has been taken down and now everyone is just too hungover to go home. Comparing Deena’s demeanor to the rest of the cast’s is actually jarring and only further reinforces the reality that no one wants to be there.
So here’s what happened. Everyone hates Sam and Ronnie because they are always in their creepy couple world. At one point, everyone is downstairs hanging out while they huddle together in their room as if they’re on the island of Survivor. Sam whispers to Ronnie, “You have no idea what I’m going through” and Ronnie’s all, “I love you so much.” I haven’t seen a relationship like theirs since the ninth grade and, quite frankly, it’s scary seeing a grown couple act so immature and cultish.
Deena is under the mistaken impression that people still want to have fun on the Jersey Shore and decides to get super wasted on the first night. After ingesting a few too many, she takes The Situation to her bedroom to find her cowboy hat, only to end up losing her underwear and exposing her vagina instead. Later, she tries to cuddle with The Situation but he rejects her in his flippant misogynistic way. It’s an all too familiar scene-a drunk girl throwing herself at the date-rapey Situation, and you almost want to tun your head away from the screen. But things get even worse when Sam-who’s watching the interaction from her bed-laughs in Deena’s face for trying to get affection. It’s a cunty move on Sam’s part so understandably, Deena retaliates by calling Sam a cunt. I don’t really know how but five minutes later, the credits were rolling and Sam and JWoww were pummeling each other.
It’s sad watching such a spirited bunch devolve into a couple of angry celebutantes but I guess that’s what happens when you try to put someone back in Jersey when they’ve already taken the Jersey out of themselves.