Everything You Didn’t Really Care To Know About The Real Housewives

The Real Housewives of New Jersey

What it’s About: Disgusting horrible people living horrible disgusting lives.

Politics: I’m pretty positive that the only voting these women do is the American Idol kind. And thank God because if they ever figured out that America votes for our president, they would jog to the nearest poll and vote for themselves or a Republican.

Husbands: Typical Italian misogyny. All of them are probably sleeping with Russian hookers on the side.

Kids: Teresa Guidice’s children are hideous reflections of herself. Caroline Manzo’s children are relatively well adjusted albeit a little dim, and Danielle Staub’s children are terrified of their mother but at least one of them is a model.

$$$: These women are broke as a hilarious joke. Teresa’s financial woes are well known, Danielle is peddling sex tapes to pay the bills and the Manzos’ business is apparently in bad shape.

Feminism: Don’t use that kind of language here.

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Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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