Answering The Question "What's Your Sign?" Just Got Harder

After arriving home last night from a delicious dinner at an off the beaten path Italian joint called The Olive Garden, I checked my Facebook and was confused to see so many status updates saying some variant of “OMG! I’m no longer a Capricorn? Um, you obviously don’t know me at all. Byeeeee!” I immediately Googled “change in horoscopes” and was shocked and horrified to find this—a soul-crushing news item  from The Washington Post that revealed, “The moon’s gravitational pull has slowly moved the Earth in its axis, creating about a one-month bump in the stars’ alignment.”  That means the new dates would be as follows:

Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16

Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11

Pisces: March 11-April 18

Aries: April 18-May 13

Taurus: May 13-June 21

Gemini: June 21-July 20

Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10

Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16

Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30

Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23

Scorpio: Nov. 23-Dec. 17

Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20

This is devastating news. I, like many other misguided people, took great pride in my astrological sign (I’m a Virgo through and through, just like Beyoncé). The change in the stars’ alignment is undoubtedly going to create a worldwide identity crisis. After all, you can’t just ask people to blame their shortcomings and neuroses on something tangible. That would be unrealistic and strange. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? TC mark

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Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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  • bcups


  • ryan

    devastated. i don't know how i will continue.

  • Tom Smith

    pretty psyched about this, lions are way cooler than virgins

  • Hugh Lilly

    “seems bleak”

  • christopher lynsey

    I feel bad.

  • Lynn

    FORTUNATELY I remain secure in the knowledge that I can still call myself a Gemini instead of a damn Taurus. Three cheers for tropical astrology!

  • Brandon Silverman

    i thought they added a sign as well?

    • Avenge

      Ofiuckus that's me(whatever the fu**us that means)

  • asshole steve


  • Doreen

    It's okay, we're still Virgos (I'm a Virgo too, like Michael Jackson). Yay for topical season-based astrology.

  • Bee Goode

    wtf? am i a virgo now? also there's something about a 13th sign that got dropped before the zodiac 'became buzzworthy'/'went viral'

  • Audrey

    new signs only apply to post-2009 births

    • aaron nicholas

      i think isaac asimov once said ~79% of the world has never taken astronomy/has little to no knowledge of astronomy/have never heard of “the ecliptic” and so do not realize that one's 'sign' corresponds to where the sun was on the ecliptic [which is to say, what constellation the sun was located in from our viewpoint on earth] during your time of birth.

      Furthermore, in a 1967 popular science article he calculated that of those 79% ~91% will perish on judgement day, may 21st 2011 for [i quote] “not knowing their true sign.” as a non-believer in contemporary christianity [and thus the concept of “judgement day”] carl sagan consulted asimov at this time to see if his calculations were correct. it was revealed that asimov was not christian at all, but 'loosely' jewish, otherwise known as jew-'ish'. an argument followed and the two scientist's friendship faltered. as a result, the judgement day predictions were all but forgotten until december 2010 when religious scholars unearthed a tome of knowledge buried in a corn field in ohio, signed simply
      “to y'all in the future,

  • Jezebel Walkabout

    Have to adjust my 'personal brand' to suit Taurus.

    Feel like many formally known as Geminis, like myself, are going to be distaught to find out they no longer have an excuse to be 'moody/two-faced/bitchy'.

  • Urbane Outfitters

    Anyone interested in purchasing my slightly used Gemini Horoscope cup? I'll give you a good deal…

  • DrBongos

    According to the Jon Stewart show I'm an Ofiuckus what ever the f***us that means.

  • QuackMooMeow

    I can only imagine those who has their sign TATTOOED, must feel…. HAHAHAHHA

  • Kayla Ann Stockman

    Fuck changing! I am and always will be a Scorpio. 

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