In between filming seasons of Jersey Shore, tweeting and getting arrested simply for being her annoying self, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi has written a novel called Fourth Wave Feminism & Me! Oh, wait. It’s actually called A Shore Thing and it tells the story of two girls- Gia/Snooki and her cousin Bella-who are hanging out in this unfamiliar place called Seaside Heights for the summer. When asked about the creative process, Snooki told reporters that the book was written over the course of two dreary nights in a Seaside Heights mansion with her ghostwriter, Valerie Frankel. Snooki explained how the work was divided up:
I was in my Snuggie and there was like a roaring fire. I made the book agent people bring in this old school typewriter to work on because they just look so awesome. At first, they told me they couldn’t because it would mean a lot more work for the writer but I didn’t care because I wasn’t writing the stupid thing. So then I told Valerie stories about my life and she would type it on the typewriter. Oh my god, it would make the cutest sound when she did it! “CCH-CHH-CHH!” Isn’t that the sound they make? Anyways, if Valerie wasn’t working fast enough, I would throw crackers at head.
When asked to confirm if Snooki did, in fact, throw crackers at her head, Valerie bowed her head and whispered, “Yes.” She was wearing black sunglasses and her frazzled hair obscured her face. Whenever Snooki would speak, Valerie’s body would startle and her teeth would chatter. She seemed to be suffering from a new form of PTSD-Post-Traumatic Snooki Syndrome. At one point during the press conference, Snooki blew a bubble with her gum and it splattered all over Valerie’s face. Snooki started to laugh obnoxiously and Valerie shed one single tear.
Anyways, the book sucks. It’s basically like reading a transcript of a Jersey Shore episode which is about as fun as…something that’s not fun. It’s out now. Don’t buy it. Please don’t give Snooki anymore money. I don’t ask for much. Just give me this.