If I see another article claiming to have the latest miracle hangover cure, I’m going to drink an entire bottle of wine and smash it over my head. Let’s face it: Hangovers are here, queer, and we have to figure out a way to deal with it. Lots of water, Advil, Vitamins B, D, X, Y, Z, can only take you so far. We need to get honest with ourselves and discuss what REALLY makes us feel better the morning after a bender.
1. Doing drugs
Don’t judge. I’m just being real. Yes, taking certain kinds of drugs can delete a hangover. Smoking pot is scientifically proven (somewhere) to chill out your hangover. It can bitch slap your painful headache all the way to calm cool sobriety. It can also wave goodbye to any lingering nausea. Out of pot? Raid your medicine cabinet for any painkillers. Take two Vicodin or Percocet and you’ll be like, “Byeeeeee!” to your hangover. Actually, you’ll be giving it long warm hugs and tender kisses. It’ll feel sweet.
2. Drinking more
Apparently, people like to do this weird thing and drink 10,000 Bloody Mary’s or mimosas after a long night of drinking. I don’t really get it because it’s just like pushing your hangover aside so an even bigger one can come through and kick you in the face, but whatever. The people who do this are most likely alcoholics and spend most of their waking life hungover anyway so feeling like shit is NBD to them.
3. Throwing up
A friend of mine recently taught me this trick. When you come home from a night of partying and you’re wasted to the point of feeling nauseous, just vomit. Like, stick your finger down your throat and see what happens. If you’re lucky, all the bad things will be expelled from your body and you’ll feel brand new again! You see, you have to beat your nausea to the punch. Assert the power you have over your own body and take matters into your own hands, or finger in this case. When you feel the nausea coming on, tell your body, “Oh, really? You think you’re going to make me sick? I’ll show you!” and then go make yourself sick. It’s all about feeling empowered these days, you know?
4. Eating a 2,000 calorie brunch
In order to feel better, you need to go to a big carb-filled brunch with Kirstie Alley. She’ll take over your appetite for two shocking hours and there is NOTHING you can do about it. Now what does Kirstie typically want for brunch? French toast, biscuits, a stack of pancakes, a Costco-size container of syrup and deep-fried Oreos for dessert. Your ravenous appetite may repulse and shock you, but you just have to let Kirstie steer the wheel and trust she’s going to take you to a happier less hungover place.
5. Watching porn
Watching porn pretty much makes everything better, but it especially helps with hangovers. That’s because whenever you watch people having sex, your body gleefully disassociates from your mind and puts everything else on the back burner. It’s even better than actually having sex because it takes less effort and you can stop whenever you want. Porn rules.