1. “I don’t do drama!”
Translation: “I love drama!”
Anyone that actually has to utter the words, “I don’t do drama” is in reality an insane crazy dramatic person. They’re the person who actually stirs the pot, who meddles in your personal relationships and plays minds games, all while feigning an incredulous expression that seems to convey, “Who? Me?!” when shit hits the fan. Dramatic people usually suffer from a complete lack of self-awareness and experience complete delusions in which they believe people are out to get them. They treat “drama” as if it’s this insidious disease and will say things like, “That girl is so much drama and I just can’t have those kinds of toxic people in my life anymore. Get her away from me. Help!” In the same breath, they’ll ask you how a mutual friend is doing because “I heard she’s been hitting the bottle hard. I don’t judge! I’m just…worried.” They’ll flash an empathetic look of concern, sip their drink and wait for the salacious gossip to come out. If one of your friends ever claims to be drama-free, start running to the nearest exit and don’t feel bad about it. They probably are talking shit on you anyway.
2. “Let’s do lunch!”
Translation: “Let’s try to never speak again!”
When you run into an old friend and end the conversation with “Let’s do lunch!” you really meant to say, “Stay the fuck away from me. I’ll be screening my phone calls because you give me anxiety.” For some reason, people are incapable of ending an unfavorable interaction with, “Nice seeing you. Bye.” They feel like they need a way out of the conversation so they make fake plans that they will never follow through on. By doing this, you’re really just digging yourself into a deeper hole. Next time you see someone you don’t want to talk to on the street, just run the other way or tell them you have bedbugs. It will end the conversation in a <3beat.
3. “I don’t like to play games!”
Translation: “I’m not going to text you back for 41 minutes!”
This statement is typically used with the person you’re having sex with or want to have sex with. In an effort to establish honesty and communication, you tell them that you don’t like to play games. You just want to be up front and real with them about your feelings. You might even think you’re telling the truth, but you’re not. Two days later, you’re ignoring a text that says, “What R U doing tonight?” because you’re not sure and you want to send a reply back that seems aloof, but not too asshole-ish. Surprise! You’re playing a game! In today’s advanced technological age, it’s sort of impossible not to play games with someone. We’re required to be reachable 24/7 by text, e-mail, and Gchat, and that shit just isn’t healthy or realistic for relationships. We create rules to things like texting partially to maintain some semblance of sanity and also because it makes us feel powerful, that is, until we find ourselves on the receiving end. Then it makes us kinda want to die.
4. “I’ve totally seen that movie. I loved it!”
Translation: “I’ve never seen that movie and I need to Wikipedia it immediately.”
You know when you’re having a really good conversation with someone and they’re like, “Have you seen that movie Dolphins in the Abyss by Schlemuker?” They say the movie title like it’s as well-known as Twilight or something so you just nod your head because you don’t want to disrupt the flow of the conversation and look like a dumbass. Five minutes later, you feel even stupider for lying and you just hope the person doesn’t give you a pop quiz about it. We should put an end to this scenario today. If you’ve never seen Dolphins in the Abyss, just say you’ve never seen it. Sure it might merit a look of pity, but whatever. The movie probably sucks anyway.
5. “I only did that once. Like, when I was in college!”
Translation: “I did that a lot in college!”
This lie usually occurs when you’re going through your life story with someone. The discussion turns to drug use, sexual experimentation and questionable life decisions you’ve made. You try to downplay the severity of something by saying you only did it once. “Hooking up with the same-sex? I only did that once and I went to Bennington, so it was really NBD.” or “You used to do coke? I tried it once and didn’t like it.” While it may be true that you weren’t into coke or being gay, chances are you probably did both more than once. College is pretty much four years of existing with no learning curve. You’re given a lot of opportunities to fall on your face and you will take them all with a sheepish glazed smile.