The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Tears, Blind Dates and Mansions

Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: the gang flies to New York City for the premiere of Kelsey Grammer’s play! Did you know he was married to one of the cast members? Crazy! Things are going swell until Camille takes some Peyote and has a hallucination about Queen Kyle calling her insecure. Then the whole trip is ruined! Destroyed! They might never speak to each other again! (Well, until Bravo makes them which will probably be very soon.)

This week’s episode starts off with Queen Kyle taking her tragically tragic sister, Katastrophe Kim, for a makeover. You see, Kim is single and everyone’s really sad about it. It’s all they talk about it, how sad she is, so Queen Kyle decides to treat her sister to a bizarre facial that involves a mummy mask. Order is restored!

Meanwhile, Lisa Van Der Plump is lounging at her manse and catching up with an old friend when suddenly, a lightbulb goes off in her head!

Lisa: You’re single, right?

British Guy: Why yes!

Lisa: Fabulous. I’ll set you up with my terrifying friend, Kim. She’s truly horrible! It’ll be fabulous.

British Guy: Cheers!

And it’s settled. Fragile Kim is being set up with Lisa’s friend who will be completely wrong for her!

Cut to some breaking news: Taylor’s daughter is allergic to the dog. Oh no! But wait, it’s good news because Taylor never wanted the dog, her husband did, and Taylor hates her husband. Yay!

Commercials, commercials, commercials. Take me back, dammit!

Phew, we’re back! And what do we see? Kim’s crazy eyes going out to lunch with her daughter. During the meal, they talk mostly about the war in Iraq and feminism. J/K! They discuss Kim’s sad dating life and how sad Kim is. Sad.

But you know who isn’t sad? Camille and that’s because she was nominated for a Tony! Actually, her husband, Kelsey Grammer, was nominated but don’t tell her that! She’ll just accuse you of being insecure. Her and her paid assistant have to go shopping for the perfect dress, which is very stressful for Camille but she manages to remarkably pull through. She tries on some gowns, says inane things and then fades away

Now, we’re being brought to the Maloof mansion! And look, it’s Adrienne walking down the stairs! Things are awfully romantic tonight at Casa de Maloof because it’s Adrienne and Paul’s 50th anniversary! Thank God they have such a loving and nurturing relationship. Thank God Adrienne is not a complete and total bitch to him. Yes, Thank God for that.

While on the subject of romance, we’re brought back to the Taylor/Russell/Kennedy/Dog saga. The dog has become quite a metaphor for Russell and Taylor’s relationship. Taylor’s not allergic to dogs, per se, but she is allergic to her creepy emotionally unavailable husband. How can she find a way to get rid of him and the dog? Hmm…. We’ll worry about Taylor plotting her husband’s murder later. Right now, we must rush to The Main Event, which is Katastrophe Kim’s blind date!

Originally, I assumed their date would involve dinner at a chi chi restaurant somewhere in Beverly Hills. Kim would get tipsy and talk about her days as a child star while Lisa’s friend would masturbate underneath the table. The conversation would eventually run dry and Kim would get nervous and start speaking in tongues like she always does. Soon, they’d have to call an ambulance because she would be convulsing and talking giibberish about the Vietnam War. She would spend the night at Cedars-Sinai and call Lisa in the morning explaining, “I appreciate the effort but he’s a Taurus and I like Libras.” And that would be that. But, no. That would make too much sense. Instead, the blind date is held at some billionaire’s mansion where the whole cast will be conveniently in attendance!

Everyone shows up in their finest clothes and “ooh”‘s and “ahh”‘s at this gigantic house that puts everyone else’s to shame. I love it when rich people gush about richer people. It’s just the sweetest. Anywho, everyone’s there except for Kim and people are freaking out. “Where’s Kim? She’s late, late for an important date!” For a moment, it felt like she might not show up but then she stuns us all with her arrival! She’s wearing an outfit that could only be described as “Desperate Whore” but the look suits her nicely. She and her huge breasts are introduced to her arranged Knight in shining armor. Everyone makes uncomfortable jokes about this being a blind date and Kim sobs quietly into her tonic water. The rest of the evening becomes very bizarre. Within five minutes of meeting each other, everyone is commenting on Kim & British guy’s amazing chemistry. By the time they sit down for dinner, marriage is discussed, kids’ names are picked out. It’s all very strange. Is this how old people date? Whatever happened to “What do you like to do for fun?” or “What’s your sign?” In any event, the night goes swimmingly and everyone is so happy for Kim. I guess they figure if she’s getting laid, she might stop calling everyone 10,000 times a day and scaling the walls of their mansions. “Peek a boo! It’s Kim!”, she would say while hanging outside of their balcony window.

So, yes. The date is amazing and great. The party ends and everyone is content. Oh, except for Taylor. She still hates her life. The next day, she goes out to lunch and cries to Kyle about her marriage being a sham. Kyle’s like, “Duh. You married for money.” and Taylor’s like, “I know.” and cries some more. And that’s it. That’s where it ends. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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