Merry X-mas everybody! By now, I’m sure you’re all either drunk, stuffed or crying in your parents’ bathroom so let me diffuse the intensity of the holiday by offering a recap on everyone’s favorite relaxing hour of television: Intervention. This week, we were transported to the wilds of Tennessee where we were introduced to Darick-a 34 year-old meth addict who also likes to snort up to 40 OxyContin’s a day. Let’s try to figure out (via the typical Intervention narrative) how Darick’s life became such an awful mess, shall we?
Childhood: According to an unbiased source named Darick’s Mom, Darick was a beautiful baby, which makes his drug addiction all the more shocking and tragic. Beautiful babies don’t typically grow up to be drug addicts. It’s only the peaked and grey ones with the sunken hollow faces and sinister grins who eventually destroy their lives. We just do not expect beautiful babies to be anything other than beautiful and proud members of society. This is truly shocking.
The Bad Things That Have Led To Darick’s Horrible No-Good Drug Addiction: When he was 19, Darick’s girlfriend got pregnant and gave birth to a baby boy. Darick relished his role as a father and had a newfound sense of purpose but all of that was cruelly ripped away from him when he discovered via a paternity test, that he wasn’t actually the baby’s father. The news obviously made him feel terribly depressed and played a huge role in making him the terribly depressed drug addict he is today.
Significant Other: Darick has a girlfriend named Andi who is just the sweetest and most down-to-earth girl you’ll ever know. The two met while studying creative writing at NYU. Darick saw Andi slumped over her MacBook in a Starbucks and struck up a conversation. At first, she was guarded but once they started talking about Foucault, she really let loose and the two fell in deep passionate love…….JUST KIDDING. Andi is an Oxy addict who lives in Florida and is borderline-terrifying.
The Scary Things That Have Happened To Darick As A Result Of His Addiction: While becoming addicted to meth, Darick became engrossed in Julia Child’s cookbooks and decided to apply her panache to the meth labs. With great care and precision, he became a revered master meth maker, combining genius ingredients such as roach killer and baking soda and eventually winning the prestigious meth cookoff in Eureka, California. Unfortunately, cooking meth isn’t all blue ribbons and creativity. It can actually be very dangerous and one day, Darick had a mishap in the kitchen and suffered third-degree burns over 75% of his body. He has also crashed three cars in a year.
The People Who Enable Darick And Allow His Drug Use: Darick’s mom allows him to stay in a tent in her backyard and also gives him Vicodin to ease his Oxy withdrawals. His grandmother also enables Darick’s drug use by letting him crash at her house. These two are going to the Betty Ford Family Center ASAP.
The Intervention: Darick doesn’t seem too shocked to see everyone and even says jokingly, “This is like Intervention or something!” Yes, it is like that. His family members cry and it’s actually really sad because they have earnest accents and seem genuinely destroyed by all of this. Darick says he needs a break and calls his sweetheart, Andi, outside and she predictably freaks out about the possibility of her drugs, I mean boyfriend, being taken away from her. For a second, you almost think he might run away from the intervention and back into her twitchy arms but he doesn’t. Instead, he accepts treatment.
The Recovery: Darick and his new non-meth face are living in a recovery center in Texas. He seems happy and calm, almost like he can’t even remember that he was addicted to drugs for ten years. He’s planning on staying in rehab for a year (THAT WILL BE A MILLION DOLLARS) and then moving into a sober living facility. He has been sober since July 31, 2010. I like Darick. He’s sweet. All I want 4 Christmas is for him to remain sober. Isn’t that what you want?