Drugs I Will Never Try

Drugs are fun. Drugs are crazy. Drugs are life-ruining nightmares. Drugs are drugs. Like any self-respecting middle-class white boy, I’ve tried my fair share of them. I’ve snorted, swallowed, inhaled. I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve almost died (Not really, Mom.) Done in moderation, drugs have their rightful place in the world. They enhance experiences and make for a good story when you’re 35 and paying taxes and only smoke the occasional joint. There are certain drugs, however, that don’t belong anywhere near me. These drugs terrify me and contradict my very being. These are it.

Mushrooms

The Kind of Person Who Does Them: Bearded men who believe in conspiracy theories. Earthy chicks who buy organic and have an appetite for enlightenment.

Why I’ll Never Do It: Of my group of friends, I’m probably the only person who hasn’t tried ‘shrooms. I haven’t ingested fungi, danced in a meadow in Santa Cruz and felt like the sun was speaking to me. My main beef with ‘shrooms is the whole “hallucination” thing. Call me cray cray but I don’t think it’s fun to see things that aren’t actually there. I have trouble seeing real people like Heidi and Spencer Pratt without having a nervous breakdown so I doubt seeing the wall move and turn into different shapes would be fun for me. I’ve also heard about people having bad trips and feeling like they’re being dragged to Hell. No, thanks. I’ve been to Hell and its called Christmas with my family. I have no desire to go there twice a year.

Acid

The Kind of Person Who Does Them: Bros who want to get real. Hippies who want to get fake.

Why I’ll Never Do It: Acid seems like mushroom’s cracked-out cousin from Northern California. A lot of my friends have tried it and have had differing experiences. Some think of it as a mellower version of Mushrooms with fewer hallucinations. Others think it’s way too intense. One girl I knew who took it didn’t feel normal for weeks which sounds like a nightmare. I also don’t buy it when people try psychedelics and claim to have seen the world in a more accurate way. They believe that people who view the world sober aren’t getting the complete picture and we’ve just been missing out this whole time. Listen, when you poison your body, weird stuff happens. But the things you feel and see are, for the most part, bogus. It’s just your mind doing cartwheels and freaking out because you put some weird crap in it.

Crack

The Kind of Person Who Does It: Whitney Houston

Why I’ll Never Do It: Because it’s crack.

Meth

The Kind of Person Who Does It: People who can’t reach their coke dealer. White trash.

Why I’ll Never Do It: When I do a drug, I want it to have no negative effects on my physical appearance. The first thing meth does, after making you feel like a million bucks, is attack your face and teeth. It creates craters and wrinkles just to spite you for being such an idiot. Meth also deletes my two favorite activities, which are sleeping and eating.

Heroin


The Kind of Person Who Does It: Surprisingly, a lot of people. Rich liberal arts kids. People who like The Velvet Underground a little too much.

Why I’ll Never Do It: If I tried heroin, I would love it so much, I would want to marry it. Not just because it’s heroin and everyone loves it but because that opiate high is my fave. Thank God it kills so many people and usually involves needles. Otherwise, I would be like, “Hi, what’s up? Get into my bloodstream!” in a heartbeat.

Ecstasy

The Kind of Person Who Does It: Bros, ravers.

Why I’ll Never Do It: Actually, in the words of R & B singing sensation/murderer/Dancing With The Stars contestant, Brandy, never say never! Ecstasy is the one drug I’m still curious about. MDMA or “Molly” sounds like a gay ol’ time but I’m super nervous about trying it. What if I’m one of the five people who die from it a year? That would be really embarrassing. Dying from Ecstasy is really 1995 and I would be totally kicking myself in the afterlife. In this indie movie, The Anniversary Party, a group of late 20-somethings take it at a dinner party and go swimming and I always thought that sounded cool. Maybe I’ll do that.

Cigarettes

The Kind of Person Who Does It: Um, everyone.

Why I’ll Never Do It: I only will harm my body and shorten my life expectancy if I benefit from it. Cigarettes seem like a lose/lose. You don’t get high from it, you get addicted, spend a bunch of money on it and then you die a horrible death. As if. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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