Hey Paula, Bye Career

Hey Paula-the Bravo reality show that chronicled Paula Abdul’s “exhausting” life in 2007-is perhaps the most bizarre and uncomfortable reality show to ever exist. Premiering at a time when Paula was rumored to be battling an addiction to drugs and/or alcohol, the show intended to set the record straight by showing the world that Paula was simply overworked and tired.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

As tears flooded her eyes, she turned to the camera men and asked, “Where’s God when you need him?”

As you may already know, that didn’t actually happen. Instead of painting a picture of rainbows, lollipops and sobriety, the show revealed Paula Abdul to be a drug-addicted crazy person with a violent temper (so much for being “the nice one” on American Idol). It’s hard to understand why Paula Abdul would agree to do this show. Doesn’t she know that it’s difficult to convince people of your sobriety when you’re not actually sober? I mean, I’m glad she signed up because when the cameras rolled, they provided us with so many delicious gems but c’mon! Where was her publicist?

During the show’s seven career-killing episodes, we learned a lot about Paula- the most important being that she’s always exhausted.  Why is Paula rolling around the floor while barking like a dog? Exhaustion. Why is Paula going in and out of consciousness? Exhaustion. Why did she wander into Starbucks with no money and start badgering the employees? Exhaustion. There seems to be no end to where Paula’s exhaustion can take her. It could even go with her to rehab! Exhaustion loves to go there.

She also seems to have trouble mastering the art of telling time. Unlike everyone else, Paula claims to work “48-hour days.” She calls this unique remix of time: Paula Time.  Paula Time isn’t something for you or I to understand. It just is.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53kqWSy-gXg&fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0%5D

In this particular example of Paula Time, Miss Abdul and her slaves, I mean, assistants, are up until the wee hours of the night playing pranks on each other. In other words, Paula’s morphine has just kicked in and she doesn’t  want to ride the wave alone. Her assistants put on a good show saying, “Ha. Ha. Ha. You are so crazy, Paula. Such a jokester.” but we know the truth. They have fear in their eyes and are looking for a way out, scratching at doors and sending SOS signals to hotel staff. You see, when Paula has her “vitamins”, she’s fun, gregarious, a real Miss Popular.  But when she runs out, orphans don’t get fed, the sun refuses to shine and someone has to die.

After playing one last prank, Paula releases her assistants from their handcuffs and gets ready for bed. Then something terrible happens. Paula checks her e-mail and discovers that she’s been fired from the Bratz movie she had been working on! As tears flooded her eyes, she turned to the camera men and asked, “Where’s God when you need him?” Not in this hotel suite in Pennsylvania, Paula. Not here. Between sobs, Paula explained to presumably us, the audience, that she has been screwed over too many times in this business. After hearing her wailing, her assistants timidly approach their Queen and offer their condolences but Paula becomes incensed with anger and reprimands them for interrupting the story she was telling to the camera crew! She then proceeds to lock herself in her bedroom and cry into her pillow some more.

Besides being exhausted and a tad delusional, we also discovered that Paula is a bit paranoid. She accused her help of not treating her like the gift that she is and believed that they were sabotaging her. When a major snowstorm potentially prevents her hair and makeup team from being flown out to New York for her David Letterman appearance, Paula gets pissed at her team and wonders why her one teeny wish is not being fulfilled. She says, “I don’t ask for much. I just want my hair and makeup people here. Is that too much to ask?” Actually, yes, it is. When dangerous weather forces all flights to be grounded, it’s ludicrous to think that your desires can trump the weather’s.

I wanted to feel bad for her because she’s addicted to drugs and that’s sad and everything but her diva behavior made it hard for one to sympathize. Since the show aired, Abdul has publicly denounced it-claiming it was creative editing that made her look like such an asshole. In 2009, she came clean about being totally addicted to painkillers. Since she’s no longer on American Idol, it’s hard to tell whether Paula has quit the junk or not. If she has, good for her. If she hasn’t, please let there be a season 2. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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