How to be Gay

Discover that you like men when you’re 14 and in the shower. Think to yourself, “This is just great.”

Keep it a secret for a few years. In the meantime, dye your hair strange colors and tell people that you watch Queer As Folk for the storylines. Masturbate a shocking amount. Become exhausted and depressed.

Come out to your best friend in her car on the side of a highway when you’re seventeen. Feel liberated and decide to tell everyone you know. If you’re lucky, everyone will understand and still love you. If you’re unlucky, you will be judged or even worse, disowned by your family. For the sake of this how-to, we’ll assume that you’re lucky.

Throw yourself a coming out party. It will be the first of many unnecessary celebrations you will throw during your lifetime. Love yourself and love being gay. Know that your life is just beginning and feel happy about it.

Being Gay is Gay

Go away to New York or San Francisco for college and become a full-time homosexual. In the next four years, become exposed to all different types of gay men. Meet fat hairy gay men who sing in choirs, thin tan boys who run track, vegans who want to go to India, serial monogamists, sluts, Lady Gaga fans, Grizzly Bear fans. Taste every color of the gay rainbow. Begin to understand that the only thing that links all gay men together is a mutual love of penis.

Be a proud gay man and a self-loathing asshole. Have a bitchy attitude towards gays who are different from you and fail to understand why. Go out of your way to avoid stereotypes. You aren’t promiscuous and you don’t really do drugs. Wear these facts like a badge of honor. Become a holier-than-thou bitch. Despise the narcissism and vanity that pervades gay culture. Succumb to doing crunches before bed and taking photos of yourself when you have a good hair day.

On the rare occasion that you go to a gay club, feel undesirable and anxious. One night, get really drunk and take home Kyle—an aspiring TV personality with a nice ass.  Wake up the next morning and feel guilty about doing such a “gay thing.”

When you graduate, become less critical. Sign up for an account at Ok Cupid and feel okay about it. Worry that you’ll end up a bitter lonely old queen so take steps to ensure this doesn’t happen.

Find a good group of gay friends. Realize how essential it is to have your gay brunch talking about your gay things with your gay friends.

Meet weird people on Ok Cupid and start to panic. Be 32 years old and wonder if this will be your life: buying a lonely organic TV dinner at Whole Foods and eating it while watching Antique Roadshow. This can’t be it. This won’t be it.

Go home for Christmas and have awkwardness with your father. Your mother massages your scalp and tells you that she knows “a gay” in her yoga class and would you like to be set up?  No, Mom. No.

Meet the man of your dreams at a Starbucks. Fight over the last packet of Splenda and realize he’s the one. Be grateful that you’ve narrowly avoided a life of Craigslist ads, Grindr and empty meaningless sex. You did it. You won.

Become domesticated. Go to the Farmer’s Market to buy your breads and go to the occasional wine tasting. Hang out with other gay couples and feel safe.

Your partner cheats on you a few times. You forgive him because the alternative is so much worse. You refuse to leave him and go back into the scary gay world. You just won’t do it. Sorry.

Find a way to balance “you” and “gay you.” Don’t be afraid to dress up in drag and use a cock ring. You can do those things because you’re normal and you are loved.

Wonder what it means to be gay and if you were ever truly okay with it. Think about it a lot. And then stop. TC mark

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Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

Read Here

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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=555371269 Bill A Pomerans

    cool

  • Reader

    But did you really win?

    Cool post.

  • Guxest

    sweeeet piece

  • Truman

    Ryan, have my gay babies please.

    • Ryan O'Connell

      LEZ DO IT

  • Igor

    Very nice.

  • http://www.facebook.com/noahtourjee Noah Tourjee

    Get tested every 3 weeks ritualisticsally

  • Reader

    Am I the only one who thinks this is terribly sad?

    “Be a proud gay man and a self-loathing asshole. Have a bitchy attitude towards gays who are different from you and fail to understand why. “

    “Your partner cheats on you a few times. You forgive him because the alternative is so much worse. You refuse to leave him and go back into the scary gay world. You just won’t do it. Sorry.”

    • Sledovane

      yeah its very sad. but it doesnt sound ANY different than being straight, or bisexual. scary gay world=people segregating themselves. scary gay world= scary straight world= EVERYONES DATING SCENE IS SCARY. TRY BEING A GIRL ASSHOLE..AND THEN SEE WHO'S COMPLAINING! try bleeding out your cunt and still having to get fucke dup the ass and having to deal with your tits, guys trying to rape you, and people not taking you seriously cuz you dont have a cock. were ALL having hard times, no matter what gender. hello!!! you want to have equality, you should probably realize that were all going through the same thing, just reacting differently. be proud to be gay…of course. but this inst the 1950's- more gay people have jobs & careers than more straight people that I know. guys are normally into screwing multiple partners, so dont think its a gay thing.. its a 'guy' thing.

      • Sledovane

        “”Begin to understand that the only thing that links all gay men together is a mutual love of penis.””

        umm..come on. The most obvious point, and most depressing point. Why do you think women like men? penis. DUH! this is not news my friend. and to use that as the excuse as to why youre complaining so much…its just not valid.

  • patrick

    This makes me want to become work-obsessed & to make love and all that ish a side hobby

  • shane

    fuck…

    so fucked..

  • mrsx

    ryan, you are great and poignant. please dont stop writing. ever.

  • Shotashooter

    Yo niggagh you best get yo tip off the hatin bus on dagh Anteeekzz road shooo nufff niggagh. Antiques roadshow aint no fucing joke. Shit is beastly and will fuck up your face. yo run yo mouth boy? BAM you just got dat dun hit with antique pistol niggagh. Wat now son. You dealt wit boeeeyyyyy. Boooyaka nigggagh.

  • ian

    Ugh thanks for reminding me of my pink / bleach blond dye job in high school. Good article btw +++

  • Shotashooter

    WHOLE FOODS IN THE HOUSE NUGGGGAGH! Oh FUCK no you digh ent! Boy you dun fucked up now! You must be out yo god damn mind. Yo must be trippin. You hatin on whole foods? WHOLE FOODS NIGA? YOU HATIN ON ORGANIC BBBIIIAAATTCH?!?!?!?!?!? You crossed the fucking line now.

    Me and you we gonna have problems if this shit keeps up. You best check yo self before yo wreck yoself. That shit is wiggity wack yo.

  • thanks

    I love Antiques Roadshow

    • http://gravatar.com/createsound Pissed

      +1

  • sledovane

    this sounds like the every day life of most women. its what the media makes you feel, not your soul. media forces women to feel the same way. go out to a bar, get hit on and go home with some hot dipwad, with a nice ass, that doesnt go any further than a one night stand.

    go home and admire your hair and photograph your good hair days. wonder why you cant find someone who wants more than a fuck, but then realize that youre just going to bars and clubs- hmm. trash times.

    sometimes i wish that women could be women, but be gay, and men could be men, and be bisexual without having to say its a 'gay thing'///…the only thing thats different..is..well, not much. we all do the same things..just most homophobics think that birthing children and driving a nice car is all that life is about. sad times.

    i feel like there should other places than bars for people to socialize. bars you jsut meet trash, and then wonder why it doesnt lead to a relationship, then blame it on your mom? why? youre making your own decisions.

    be free and be equal. san francisco isnt that great of a place. it feels safe to be in the gay community, but everyones so immature abotu it- every gay bar i go to, men are sucking eachother off. why the hell do i wanna see that? how is that being free? its just being overly sexually frusterated and getting off. life is more than just getting off.

    “”Have a bitchy attitude towards gays who are different from you and fail to understand why. Go out of your way to avoid stereotypes. You aren’t promiscuous and you don’t really do drugs.

    -UM..MOST YOUNG PEOPLE IN OUR GENERATION ARE PROMISCOUS AND DO DRUGS. HONEY, ITS NOT JUST A GAY THING. ITS A YOUTH THING.

    Wear these facts like a badge of honor. Become a holier-than-thou bitch. Despise the narcissism and vanity that pervades gay culture.

    why not CHANGE THE NARCISSIM AND VANITY. COME ON…CHANGE IT CHANGE IT. COMPLAINING ABOUT IT ISNT CHANGING IT. YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY BE AN EXAMPLE.

    Succumb to doing crunches before bed and taking photos of yourself when you have a good hair day.

    On the rare occasion that you go to a gay club, feel undesirable and anxious. One night, get really drunk and take home Kyle—an aspiring TV personality with a nice ass. Wake up the next morning and feel guilty about doing such a “gay thing.””

    • PISSED

      Mmmm the difference between rhetoric and reality.

  • sledovane

    i watch antiques roadshow with my grandmother. my 'gay' friends..that i never think about that their gay or bixexual- they are a-sexual- we watch russian films and dont listen to lady gaga.
    its nice to be asexual and queer- YOU DONT HAVE TO be pressured by the massses. hello….is anyone else disturbed? speak for yourself…alot of the gay community doesnt think this way.

  • Guest666

    ewwwww starbucks…

    ewwwwwwwwwww.

  • Lindsay

    Lesbians face many of the same issues. Just minus the perusing CL for sex part.

  • http://twitter.com/HipsterFriend HipsterFriend

    I get this weird feeling, when I read his work, that Ryan O' Connell might be gay. I don't know why.

  • Tommy

    HAHAHAHA THIS IS FANTASTIC! Walking down the street, this is defs the life story of a few gays i see…(well, atleast what i think in my head) X

  • Rw13daniel

    melancholic…it is…

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