A Typical Conversation on Cocaine
By Thoughtis
Here’s something you all should know: Cocaine makes everyone act like a giant asshole. Not only are you constantly licking your gums and looking insane, you’re saying the silliest things to whoever you’re doing it with. Because I’m so interested in making the world a less coked-out place, I’ve taken the liberty of creating a typical conversation one would have while under the influence of cocaine. Use this as a cautionary tale.
Two college student girls burst into a room. They’re at what appears to be a raucous party and are wearing unfortunate dresses.
GIRL #1 (CALLING O.S.)
We’ll be right back. I just have to tell her something.
They shut the door and immediately kneel down on the floor. They take out a credit card and start chopping away at the white rock.
GIRL # 2
Do you think anyone knows we’re on it?
GIRL # 1
No way, we’re being super stealthy.
GIRL # 2
The last time we went upstairs we were gone for, like, an hour though.
GIRL # 1
They seriously don’t know. How are you feeling? I’m high. Are you high? Lets get more high.
GIRL # 2
This is some really good shit. I need to get your dealers number. The drip is, like, NBD.
GIRL # 1
Yeah, I’ll totally hook you up. So the last time we were up here, you were just telling me about the time you were molested. That’s so fucked.
GIRL # 2
I know but I’m working through it and stuff.
GIRL # 1
That’s awesome.
GIRL # 2
You know, even though we just met tonight, I feel super close to you. And it’s not the coke talking. Like, I really feel close to you.
GIRL # 1
No, seriously. I fucking love you. Give me your number right now and we’ll hang out.
GIRL # 2
OK. It’s 310-
GIRL # 1
Hold on. Let me chop this line up real quick.
GIRL # 2
Oh, okay yeah. (LOOKS AT THE LINE) Whoa, that’s a pretty big line you cut for yourself.
GIRL # 1
Don’t worry. I’m going to cut you a big one too. And I’m going to pay you back for this, I swear.
GIRL # 2
Oh, uh…yeah. Totally. (PAUSE) Here, I’ll just do it. I like cutting them. (GRABS THE CREDIT CARD AND COKE AWAY FROM GIRL # 1)
GIRL # 1
Um, ok.
GIRL # 2
So what’s your relationship with your parents like?
GIRL # 1
My dad used to hit me and my mom has been to Betty Ford like five—
GIRL # 2
My dad used to get mad at me too! Oh, sorry did I cut you off? Anyway, he never hit me but he was a complete asshole so I can relate.
GIRL # 1
And my mom has always resented me. This one time she tried to light my hair on fire-
GIRL # 2
When I was 16, I cut my hair short and my mom hated it. God, we are just like kindred spirits. Do you believe in astrology? I’m getting Virgo vibes from you. I get along with Virgos.
There’s a knock on the door.
GIRL # 3
You guys, what are you doing in there? You’ve been disappearing all night and it’s my birthday!
GIRL # 1
Be out in a sec. We’re just talking! (WHISPERS TO GIRL # 2) She can be so selfish!
GIRL # 2
Um, I know.
THE END
Actually, it doesn’t end there. The conversation will go around in circles until the sun comes up and they’re out of drugs, but you get the picture. When you’re on coke, everyone’s your BFF and everyone gets it. A flaming homosexual could make friends with an Evangelical Christian as long as there was coke involved. Wars could be ended if only for a single night of disco and dancing. Unfortunately, when you wake up the next day at 5 P.M feeling suicidal/embarrassed, the joke will be on you. In the end, it will always be: Coke-1 and You-0. Drugs, man.