Next March, Actress cum-fashion designer, Mary-Kate Olsen will emerge from her couture and drug-fueled haze to star in a film called, Beastly. We like Mary-Kate because, unlike other child stars, she’s managed to stay relevant by carving out a successful career for herself in fashion. Although we question how hands-on Mary-Kate really is with her projects, it doesn’t actually matter because she’s chic, thin and completely out of her mind. We didn’t even try contacting her for an interview so we made one up.
Thought Catalog: Hey MK. Can I call you MK?
Mary-Kate Olsen: No.
TC: OK, Mary-Kate. What are you doing right now?
MKO: I’m doing yoga in Soho and conceptualizing the summer line for The Row.
TC: What are you envisioning?
MKO: I’m thinking “Lauren Hutton in space circa 1956.” With some fur.
TC: That’s brilliant.
MKO: I know. I’m an innovative person.
TC: So you’re starring in a new film with Vanessa Hudgens called Beastlyand it’s essentially a modern-day retelling of Beauty and The Beast. I have to ask, Mary-Kate, were you high when you agreed to do this film? It seems a little beneath you.
MKO: I was sort of high, yes. But I also felt a connection to the material. At the time, I was dabbling in the black arts and casting spells on people.
TC: Like who?
MKO: John Stamos. So when this script came along and they asked me if I wanted to play a witch, I said yes because I was a witch at that moment.
TC: Tell me about a successful spell you did.
MKO: This one time, one of my Rodarte gowns ripped so I did a healing spell on the fabric. It didn’t really work but our personal tailor, Eduardo, fixed it. So in a way, it DID work, you know?
TC: No, I don’t. It just sounds like your tailor fixed it.
MKO: No. Eduardo clearly was under my spell and the magic was transferred into his hands.
MKO: You obviously don’t get it. Next question.
TC: Lets rewind. So at the age of seven, you were co-owners of a production company called Dualstar. You were making 80 movies a year and starring in a TV show and recording albums. At the time, did you realize that you were being denied a childhood and thus, were going to end up insane?
MKO: Sort of. I was really out of it as a child. I just remember people asking me to dance and to jump and to cry and to smile. So I did and now I’m very rich.
TC: How rich?
MKO: Super rich. I’ve made $80,000 since this interview started.
TC: Can you even read? Sometimes you come off as borderline-retarded. No offense.
MKO: None taken, starshine. Yeah, I read. I read Joan Didion sometimes and I love our coffee table book, Influence.
TC: Sweet. So lets talk about your teen years. This is when you stopped eating, right?
MKO: Yeah. Seeing fat people just made me really nauseous. I felt bad for them and so I decided to transfer my sadness into starvation.
TC: You looked really scary at the New York Minute premiere.
MKO: Thank you.
TC: By the way, New York Minute? LOL, right?
MKO: Total LOL. That movie sucked but I got 10 million for it so whatevs.
TC: Then you went to rehab.
MKO: That was really mystical.
TC: But when you were released, you were still clearly anorexic.
MKO: Duh, it was a celebrity rehab. I got a massage every time I relapsed. Can you hold on a sec, precious? I’m doing downward facing dog right now.
TC: Uh, sure.
(TEN MINUTES PASS)
MKO: Sorry. I’m back. I just didn’t feel like talking to you for ten minutes.
TC: That’s fine, asshole. Lets talk about your involvement in The Row. What do you actually do?
MKO: I’m the “idea” person. I’ll be walking with Ashley and see a cloud and say “Wouldn’t that cloud make for a really chic leather jacket?”
TC: I don’t follow.
MKO: I’m inspired by everything. And I manifest those inspirations into reality.
TC: You’re so weird. You’re, like, a really weird person.
MKO: Geniuses are often misunderstood. I’m not surprised that plebeians like you think I’m strange.
TC: So what was the deal with your involvement in Heath Ledger’s death? That was bad publicity.
MKO: Look, Heath and I met at the Chateau Marmont one night and we became each other’s spiritual guides. He was a magical person. Magical. Magical. Magical.
MKO: I got to go. You just brought up a lot of things. Things called emotions. Go see my movie, Beastly, okay?
TC: But it looks really bad.
MKO: True. OK, then don’t. Farewell, my warrior magical mystery interviewer man.
TC: Um, bye.