How to be My Boyfriend

I want you to be Hispanic and come from a big loving family. I want to be invited to family barbecues, birthday parties and maybe even the occasional Quinceanera. Your parents will need to forget about their Catholicism and accept me as your lover.

If you’re not Hispanic, I want you to have an olive skin tone. I really like dark skin and it’s something that’s non-negotiable. The last person I need to be with is another white boy from the Valley.

You also need to have a nice ass and look like you eat regularly. I’m not in the mood to be the fat one in the relationship so if you could keep eating that spaghetti, that would be great.

Drugs: let’s talk about them. Do everything in moderation. Don’t smoke too much pot because I will think you’re lazy and start to lose respect for you. However, I would love it if we could take the occasional Xanax together and watch a movie. That’d be sweet, wouldn’t it?

Drink wine with me, babe, and let’s accidentally get wasted at a house party. Be careful though because if you drink an extra glass, I’ll make a note of it and be on the look out for alcoholic tendencies. This is only because I care about you.

Lets have similar music taste but also feel free to surprise me with an interest in Afrobeat or Jazz or even Reggae. If you tell me you like an album that I’ve never heard of, I will feign disinterest until you leave. Then I’ll buy the album off iTunes and fall in love with it on my own. Sorry, I’m just a brat like that.

Drink wine with me, babe, and let’s accidentally get wasted at a house party.

Oh, I should mention that I can be a raging asshole. Here’s the deal with that: I have a very dominating personality but I also love it when someone dominates me. I will make snide comments to you all the time to see what your limits are. In these instances, it’s very important that you push back and call me out on my bullshit. If you do, I’ll have instant respect for you and it will actually turn me on. We’ll have good sex after, for sure.

That reminds me: sex. I like to pretend that I’m a secret freak-on-a-leash in bed, but I don’t think I actually am. I’m too into being tender and loving and kissing a lot. But if you want to be rough and crazy, I guess I can go that way, too. And don’t worry about not having a big penis. Those actually scare me.

It would be great if we haven’t slept with any of the same people. But I understand that this can be an impossible feat in the gay world and I’ll have to let it slide. Just no more than 2 people, please.

When it comes to class and finances, have enough money so that we can go to the movies or you can pay for dinner at Whole Foods. But don’t have much more than that because rich people are almost always weird and often come with their own set of baggage. If you don’t have a summer house or a grandmother named Mitsy, we should be fine.

I’d prefer it if you weren’t a writer. Two writers in a relationship just makes for a lot of competition and theatrics.  If you do happen to write, I’m not going to sit with you and talk about the merits of Joan Didion or Russian literature because it’s boring and I don’t want us to ever be boring. I will support you in all of your professional endeavors though and I will be so proud of you when something goes right. I will be there to pop the champagne and say that I think you’re the best. I’ll mean it too. I won’t always mean everything I say but I will mean that.

Be funny- be really funny.  I want you to banter with me like we’re in a ping-pong match. Back and forth, back and forth. Entertain me as much as I entertain you.

Be nice, be normal. Avoid going to parties at downtown hotels that have party photographers. Go to bars in Brooklyn or in Alphabet City. Wear some flannel, if you feel like you have to. Don’t smoke. Smoking sucks.

One last thing: When we become boyfriend/boyfriend, I’m not going to go on to Facebook and change my relationship status to “Blah Blah Blah is in a relationship with Blah Blah Blah”. At most, I’ll change it to “In A Relationship”. I hope you can respect that. TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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    super gay, super funny

  • Nylan Fougère

    so in other words, im pretty much perfect for you.

    • Ryan O'Connell


  • Caitie

    NEED IT.

  • Nicholae

    this is fantastic. be my boyfriend.

  • Hi

    Nice Ryan.

    I've enjoyed your writing here so far.

  • your future boyfriend

    hey, wow, i surprisingly fit most of these criteria. not hispanic, but still from a large dramatic ethnic family. plus, i'm a doctor, and although i don't make the big bucks yet, i can still afford whole foods dinner. and totally, everything in moderation, including moderation itself.

    • Ryan O'Connell

      I KNEW I WOULD MEET MY FUTURE BOYFRIEND ON HERE. What I didn't know is that he'd be a doctor. Read below for the URL to my FB and lets start picking out names for our kids!

  • H from NYU

    Not so sure whether this article is serious or not, but I JUST started reading your articles today (which are interesting…much thanks to my friends FB post). I started reading this article just to get a good laugh, but surprisingly I fit what you're looking for (that is if this isn't a hoax). So I'm definitely intrigued…let's see where this can go. Off to FB!

    • Ryan O'Connell

      this ain't a hoax. date me!

  • Kenny

    I think we should date. If Justin Long and Drew Barrymore can get through it in 'Going The Distance', then so can we. Don't worry about the whole different countries thing, it's a challenge, and I like to win.

    I'm going to link you to a blog post I wrote a couple of weeks ago, and you should read it and notice something we have in common, and then madly fall in love with me.



  • Carlos Ortiz

    I wish I was gay, it sounds legitimately fun.

  • Vvvvvvvvv


    We're perfect for each other.

    I've always wanted to date a jew.

  • Matthew

    Your criteria are identical to mine.
    We'd be best friends in real life, or I'd wholeheartedly hate you.

  • GayAndLatin

    I live in Hell's Kitchen, love movies, and am looking for someone to tranq out with through the rest of winter. I can't promise love when the spring comes and changes everything, but will you be my February and March body pillow? Bi-racial, olive skinned, banter-queen here as well.

  • André Leblond

    I thoroughly enjoyed reading this… who said that procrastination doesn't pay?

  • Laluna2k

    i like LAX cholos

  • Chris Torruella

    You described me a LOT, except that… I smoke.

  • Sam

    Hispanic/Mediterranean/Other shit.
    from a huge family.
    not a writer, and don't plan on becoming one.
    in a relationship.
    9 months late.


    • Anonymous

      haha u should email ryan, he’s still single or at least from what i’ve read in his recent articles

  • CP

    Wow half this stuff is exactly how I feel about it. Definitely keeping this for further reference.

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