Thought Catalog

How to Appear Cooler on Facebook Than You Really Are

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Being cool on Facebook is an art form that I’ve mastered through years of trial and error. Here’s what I’ve learned.

When it comes to being awesome on the web, it’s important to remember that less is more. Think of yourself as an Internet minimalist, if you will, and avoid making status updates like this one: “Had a beautiful day out with the BF! We ate Thai food, and went to Target to look for new curtains. Now it’s time to watch How to Lose A Guy in Ten Days in bed! Snuggle.”

There are so many things that are uncool about this. First off: Go eff yourself because I’m single and starving and Thai food sounds amazing right now. Secondly: You’re going to Target to pick out curtains and spending your night watching an almost-funny rom-com? We all do that. We all go to Target to pick up our face wash and deodorant and spend the occasional night in with our Netflix accounts. I mean, cool people can’t be going to super cool parties and be hanging out with super cool people all the time. Sometimes they need to detox by having a night of eating pickles out of a jar and Googling The Olsen Twins. The difference between the cool and the uncool is that the cool person never talks about doing any of these mundane activities. It makes them sound just like everybody else and that’s their worst nightmare. They are not like you, okay? They are golden gods who crap Polaroids and sweat Marc Jacobs perfume.

If for some reason, you haven’t left your apartment in a few days or done anything noteworthy, you can write something like, “Having the worst anxiety. Taking a Xanax, burning sage and listening to The Cocteau Twins. Never leaving my apartment.” This status works on so many levels of cool. Having anxiety, for example, is really cool. Being anxious and not knowing how to deal with things/life/boyfriends is in right now so it’s totally okay to write about drugs like Xanax on the Internet. You can never write about coke or mushrooms or acid because that’s just too real, but discussing anti-anxiety meds and sleeping pills like Ambien is socially acceptable.

Listening to The Cocteau Twins will always be cool and saying that you’ll never leave your apartment is hyperbolic and therefore super funny. Everyone will know that you’re mostly kidding and that you’re just decompressing from your super cool fun stressful life.

Now lets talk about your actual Facebook profile. On your Interests section, don’t write things like, “Hiking. Tennis. Laughing Till It Hurts. Hanging with my girls and getting crazy!” Instead, type in lower case letters (it’s more whimsical) and say things like, “cashmere. sleepovers. goths.” That’s it. Only write three vague things that don’t actually reveal anything about your personality. It will leave people wanting more and thinking, “Who is this person who types in lowercase and likes cashmere, sleepovers and Goths?” A cool person, that’s who!

When it comes to the music section, keep it similarly short and sweet. You need to list two hip bands next to a mainstream one. Write something like, “the slits. tiger trap. katy perry.” because you know what’s cooler than a cool person liking cool bands? A cool person liking an uncool artist. It’s just so…unexpected.

Lets talk about your photos. If you really want to be dedicated, you’ll only make your profile pictures visible. In this technological age, you can’t trust that your best friend Chloe isn’t going to tag a photo of you drunk and eating a hot dog. (Remember that Chloe secretly hates you and wants to see you fail.)

But I understand that most cool kids are too narcissistic for that and they need their friends to see any and all photos of them dancing in that downtown club doing coke off of Vincent Gallo’s penis. (Just kidding on that last part. The Internet doesn’t know you do coke.)

Just be very particular about which photos stay tagged. Don’t exceed over 500 because it makes you look like a desperate socialite. De-tag photos taken with a cheap digital camera. Allow only Polaroids, Lomography, and photos taken with a Yashica T4.

Let these photos project a sense of superiority and effortlessness and always keep the following pictures tagged: You on yachts, eating In N’ Out on a sidewalk outside of a club, hanging out with your fabulous best friend who equals you in coolness (in reality, she might be a sociopath nightmare but you guys look great together in photos), the occasional “I’m real and have a family” photo of you and your niece, holding a champagne bottle, talking on your Blackberry in a cab, hiking in Los Angeles in a crop-top to show that you’re healthy and exercise and don’t do too many drugs. Last but not least: any and all photos of you looking expensive.

So that’s it. You’re cool on Facebook now. Have fun but also be careful. One photo of you holding a nondescript red cup of booze with the friends from your “old life” and you’re back to writing about eating Thai food with your boyfriend. TC mark

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    • http://www.adamhump.com adamhump

      you suck

    • Christine

      I fucking love this

    • http://twitter.com/MollyWest12th Molly Oswaks

      Mark Zuckerberg could make a buck off you. You know, if he ever needed to.

    • http://twitter.com/rislynsey christopher lynsey

      This made me really, really hard. It also made me want to listen the Cocteau Twins.

      This was probably my favorite paragraph, maybe.

      Now lets talk about your actual Facebook profile. On your Interests section, don’t write things like, “Hiking. Tennis. Laughing Till It Hurts. Hanging with my girls and getting crazy!” Instead, type in lower case letters (it’s more whimsical) and say things like, “cashmere. sleepovers. goths.” That’s it. Only write three vague things that don’t actually reveal anything about your personality. It will leave people wanting more and thinking, “Who is this person who types in lowercase and likes cashmere, sleepovers and Goths?” A cool person, that’s who!

      • http://twitter.com/MollyWest12th Molly Oswaks

        This was my favorite graph, hands down.

        “When it comes to being awesome on the web, it’s important to remember that less is more. Think of yourself as an Internet minimalist, if you will, and avoid making status updates like this one: 'Had a beautiful day out with the BF! We ate Thai food, and went to Target to look for new curtains. Now it’s time to watch How to Lose A Guy in Ten Days in bed! Snuggle.'”

        …Probably because I know somebody who writes almost exactly that statement, or slightly altered iterations of it, on a daily basis. And I cringe every time a new installment comes up.

      • Babiigurl1724

        I so agree with you.

    • a polar bear

      i made those interests my interests on facebook

    • Fakemeailhers

      Yeah, problem is some people who are prescribed Xanax suffer from life crippling panic attacks, they're not just taking them for the social cred. I'm usually too busy focusing on my heart palpitations and feeling like death to consider how cool it would be to conspicuously down a Xanax in a group of my peers.

      • a polar bear

        i am prescribed xanax
        well, xopax
        i think they're the same thing
        i don't take it in front of people
        and i generally only take them when i feel a panic attack coming
        but i sell them to my friends sometimes
        i feel 'credited'

    • 1Muse

      You're great!

    • http://twitter.com/maddencorner A.Tatum

      That was funny.

    • mr smiles

      Im pretty confident that your feeble attempt at looking cultured and interesting is about as transparent as the grease stains on your nightie in the picture you untagged

    • jane

      good and funny….and funny and so GOOD!

    • WestVillager

      Is it cool to be cool on Facebook?

      Keep reaching for the stars!

    • Brian

      an article like this does not constitute having “a sense of irony” which you noted in your article on hipsterdom and american military service popularity. you're just not cool man. you're just tryin' way too hard. this only irony to come of this is that high school ended and you found a way to appear popular again. wtf? what the eff? and don't say fail because even 4chan stopped using the word fail. inb4 newfag is new/ being amiable is ironic for me/ cocaine and other hard drug usage is a perfectly acceptable activity in today's rapidly changing political, cultural, and economic climate

      • Paul

        wait, what? Ryan did not writer the article on American military and hipsters that was Noah.

        • Ryan O'Connell

          What he said.

    • brian

      *the
      *ironic TO me

    • yesss

      In this technological age, you can’t trust that your best friend Chloe isn’t going to tag a photo of you drunk and eating a hot dog. (Remember that Chloe secretly hates you and wants to see you fail.)

    • Dudethepug

      I wish I could sleep with you… oh wait I do.

    • Noahtourjee

      how….dare, you make light of my crippling anxiety disorder? How Dare, you….make light….of something that Cripples Me….in your….incredibly well written and hilarious commentary. I just….can't believe you would be so insensitive, I am…usually panicking when I read this site, and don't have time to even….take my xanoxo….

    • George

      Minimalism, prescription medication popping, and cashmere sweaters, are primarily relevant to the purview of WASPy, middle to upper-class, privileged twenty-something’s.

      An interesting note nonetheless; but the question now becomes how do we identify the threads that transcend a greater swath of demographics.

    • meaghan

      i feel like you just called bullshit on the entire internet. amazing.

    • http://twitter.com/narcossa Girly Logix

      this is why you're my favorite thought catalog author <3

      • ArianeAstraea

        Agree

    • Asavva

      So now you need to write an updated version of this, because it was fucking brilliant :-)

    • Gurushakti

      Someone has been doing an in-depth study on hipsters, probably a twee  bit much

      • Anonymous

        You mean a tweet too much.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_VCODE3WBG7FJMQAV7ER63V5A3A Justin

      Wow its nice to know that people are worried about how they appear to other people and not worryed  about how they appear to themselves, because I think if the authorof this paragraph did she would see just how boring her life really is,Some peole and their ideas, and thoughts really are a waste of time and space . This whole paragraph just empitimized the song by Brad Paisley,  “Im so Much Cooler Online” If anybody didnt know that song was sarcastic because of how pathetic it is to appear to be something your not.

    • Anonymous

      Is this facebook fad dead yet?  Time to move on.

    • sensual elle

      If you were really cool, you wouldn’t be on Facebook.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Thomas-Aragon/100002827951441 Thomas Aragon

      keep it real peopleweall share the same air

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