1. A game mode between Xbox and Playstation
The age-old debate could finally be settled. Xbox or Playstation? If this were an actual thing, it would be the only game mode I would ever play. I would rally my fellow Xboxers and obliterate those fools who have Playstations. I probably wouldn’t leave my room for at least 15 days after this invention was released. I couldn’t think of any other invention that would draw more hype then this one.
2. An app that could talk to you while you pretend to text someone
Everyone experiences those times when they are waiting on someone else and have to break the awkwardness of standing alone. Most people take out their iPhone and text someone. As for me, I just stand there like an idiot. I want to text someone or have any communication with another live person, but there is never anybody to talk to. This dope ass app will let you talk about something with a complete stranger until your date shows up (or not depending). You can debate common controversial topics, discuss current events, or just chat about your day. Its like the best friend you never had and it only costs $1.
3. A device that could make food taste 100x better
Yes I know what you’re thinking. Lighting marijuana on fire and inhaling the smoke does make food taste like a sliver of heaven. But why can’t I experience that same sensation 24/7? This invention would make shitty food like cabbage and radishes taste like Willy Wonka’s chocolate river. It could transform Ruth’s Chris into one big factory of foodgasms (foodgasm adj. When food is way too good to describe it makes your taste buds erupt in delight). Who knows? This invention could cure the obesity epidemic our beloved USA is experiencing. Give some fat people this invention, a plate of veggies, and you got yourself a healthy heart.
4. Something that lets you pause for 5 seconds, take a moment to think, then lets you resume the conversation as if nothing happened
I like to think of myself as a pretty funny guy. I can think on the spot and come up with witty responses to the topic of conversation. However, I’m not perfect, sometimes my “jokes” suck a fat one. When I am texting someone, I have time to gather my thoughts and come up with the most clever response. I can’t do that in normal, everyday conversation. With this new invention, I could take 5 seconds, gather my thoughts, and deliver killer comebacks. When in an interview for a fraternity, a brother asked me, “3 things you would do with a cucumber and why?” Hmmmm, I don’t know, eat it? How the fuck was I going to answer that question? If I had a couple seconds to think about it, I probably wouldn’t have said the stupidest thing possible (which I did). I will never reveal my response to anyone so get over it.
5. A system that prevents drunk texting
Lets face it, drunk texting your inner most feelings is almost unavoidable. I can remember waiting till I was plastered so I could talk to the girl I thought I was in love with. Its such an easy excuse-card to play if anything bad happens. “I don’t remember it, I was too drunk, sorry.” People say drunk words are sober thoughts, and they are completely correct. This application prevents you from embarrassing yourself and gives you an actual shot with your crush. It is super hard to disable and makes you take tests to prove your sobriety. If you thought crossword puzzles were hard sober, try doing them drunk. Everyone would want this app because no love story starts with, “heyyty babyyy, I mis u so mich, comeee back to meeee”.
6. A joint rolling robot that can be your friend and also conveniently rolls up into a small ball you can put in your pocket, but don’t worry it has a device so it never gets lost
This would just be awesome, enough said.