1. Stepping on a Lego
Would you rather walk across hot coals or a carpet full of Legos? If you answered coals, then you have most definitely not stepped on a Lego. Not only do these plastic pieces from hell feel like broken glass against the bottom of your feet, they always manage to spawn in the exact place you want to step. If you have an inclination to build random shit with Legos, I suggest setting up camp in a bomb shelter or the middle of the desert where no soul is allowed to go barefoot.
2. Stubbing your toe
You start off an innocent human being, casually walking around your house. Maybe you’re hungry or taking a stroll around the kitchen when your toe slams into the corner of the counter like a semi-running into a smart car. Your body immediately freaks out and you spend the next seconds jumping around on one foot like an idiot. As you look around for the phone to dial 911, you realize you are paralyzed from the knee down. You writhe in pain as you lay on the ground. A word from the wise, never venture into unchartered territory without shoes on.
3. Getting shampoo in your eyes
The “No Tears” label on L’Oreal shampoo bottle was the biggest lie of my childhood. The cute, deceptive bottle had me believing that this one eyed creature could do no harm. Wrong. This bitch contained pure acid. The stannic creatures at L’Oreal clearly had an excess of Hydrofluoric acid that they decided to pass off as shampoo. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the smell of watermelon as I wash my hair. But God forbid, if a single drop got in your eyes, you were in for one of the most painful experiences of your life. You stand there naked, blind, rubbing your eye trying to put out the fire. If you dare open your eye the slightest bit, another nuclear bomb is dropped on your eyeball and the pain resumes.
4. Burning your tongue
Underestimating the lava content of your coffee, pizza rolls, or easy mac (yes, I am a college student), leaves you breathing like a dragon. You leave the scorching pizza rolls in your mouth, taking deep breaths like someone just judo chopped your Adam’s apple. You do everything you can to prevent the spread of a wildfire but 9 times out of 10, your taste buds are incinerated. Forget tasting the rest of your meal or even tasting anything for the rest of your life. What I have come to realize is that no matter where you are, who you are with, or what is in your mouth, if it is hot as fuck, spit it out. It might leave a mess, but nothing a couple paper towels can’t clean up.
5. Muscle cramps
For those of us who play sports, you know exactly what I mean when I say cramps suck. Not only do these muscle knots feel like Manny Pacquiao unloading on you, cramps make you spaz out, triggering an endless continuum of other muscle cramps. Getting out of the car after a long ride home from a tournament is a delicate procedure. Remain calm, move every inch of your body as slowly as possible. If one of your muscles cramps, it’s game over and you will be rolling around on the ground in the most pain of your life. A prime example of this is exhibited by none other then Patrick Star. The pink, lazy, chill motherfucker that is Patrick Star is known for his signature cramp dance. Just wait till the cramp catches on.
6. Getting stabbed 37 times in the chest
As we can see from the facial expression of the man in the YouTube sensation, “llamas with hats”, getting stabbed 37 times in the chest and having your hands eaten can be quite painful.