20 Reasons I’m Never Having Kids

For the fifty people who have told me I will change my mind when I’m older, maybe this over-dramatization of my opinions will convince you:

  1. I’m 24 and I recently cried hysterically while writhing in pain on the floor over a charley horse in my leg. Obscene amounts of drugs to ease the delivery process will not cure my lack of tolerance for pain.
  2. Why would I willingly put on 40 pounds? I’m broke as hell and unless I can afford Jillian Michaels to kick my fat ass in gear, I’m doomed to be a blimp forever once I pop that thing out.
  3. I have to sleep on my stomach. I just have to. Is that healthy for babies growing in our tummies? NO. But it might be a good way to get rid of one if I accidentally get pregnant. Just kidding!
  4. Speaking of things growing in our tummies… EW.
  5. I refuse to marry someone with a conflicting parenting style. There will be no compromise. I’m always right. Since this is completely unrealistic and selfish, which maybe I am, kids don’t fit into the equation.
  6. I’m never getting married, and single parenting could not sound less appealing. Why am I not getting married? If you don’t want to read my novel on that, you’ll have to wait for “20 Reasons I’m Not Getting Married.” But don’t hold your breath because I’m busy doing things that 24-year-olds without kids are doing.
  7. Second graders are disgusting. I was an aid for a second grade teacher. While I did enjoy spending time with the kids, they’re downright dirty and I never want an 8-year-old. What happens to parents when their kids reach that age? HELLO! Scrub that kid’s fingernails, teach them how to use Q-tips, and force them to shower and brush their teeth if you have to hold their head under the water till they’re about to choke on it. They eat boogers and pick at scabs and have no shame in sticking a hand down their pants to scratch. Of course they’re not disinfecting after any of these acts either. Why should they? Their parents don’t make them.
  8. If my child turned out to be anything remotely close to the kind of child I was… I would probably kill myself.
  9. Milk is disgusting. PERIOD. I hate drinking it, smelling it, touching it. The word “lactate” makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t want milk coming out of my boobs or someone chewing on them. Who came up with that genius idea anyway? Screw natural. Sure, we all want bigger boobs. Maybe some women see this as an upside to pregnancy and breast feeding. Well, I see not having children as extra money for implants that won’t leak all over me.
  10. Who in their right mind wants to go 9 months without alcohol?
  11. I’ll be damned if I want anyone looking at me during childbirth. I don’t care how many vaginas these people have seen, it’s embarrassing. I’m spread eagle, sweating profusely, huffing and puffing and screaming profanities because I’m a little bitch and can’t handle the pain. There’s nothing glamorous about pushing an 8 pound mini human out of your vag. And what about women who let their husbands in the room to watch (and how about the ones with the camcorders!!! Are you crazy?) What man would ever want to look at or touch that thing again after seeing that slime-covered alien crawl out of there? And don’t even get me started on that amniotic sac!
  12. Not to mention I’ve heard that you just shit all over the place from pushing that hard anyway.
  13. I’m mean. My child would be rebellious and unruly because it would hate me. I have no patience and a short temper. Woohoo! Corporal punishment and 4-hour time-outs!
  14. If you want your kid to be successful, social, accepted by peers, and well-rounded, do you know how much shit you have to sign them up for? Who wants to spend that kind of money on someone other than themselves? No thanks.
  15. You can’t pick. If I decided to have a child, I would want to choose whether it was a boy or a girl. Also, there’s always that risk of multiples. Yikes!
  16. I have plenty of friends who will have kids. Heck, I’d even accept being a Godmother at some point. I’m not a kid hater completely… but if I want to spend time with one there’s no reason I can’t just borrow.
  17. I have an out of control, 17 year-old-brother. Because it’s immoral to just give your child away before it gets to that stage, there’s no way it’s happening. I don’t wish to spend the remainder of my years in a mental institution because my delinquent child pushed me over the edge.
  18. If I don’t have kids, who will care for me when I’m old and decrepit? After I slap myself for that ridiculous thought, I will find that the answer is simple. Forget the college fund you’d have to start and open yourself a ‘savings for when my life sucks’ account instead. By the time you get there, you will have enough to pay your way into a nursing home… or assisted living if you’re classier, super independent like me, and high rollin’ at 80.
  19. I want a clean house. Kids destroy everything nice and usually stare right at you while they do it with that face that says, “Try and catch me. I’m faster than you because you gained 40 pounds after birthing me. Plus, I exhaust you so badly that you can’t take more than 5 steps before you hyperventilate and collapse on your overweight ass. AND I’m taking the stairs! Ha!” Son of a bitch.
  20. I want to have a life. What if I want to take a weekend excursion to Vegas with my only intelligent friend, who, like me, decided to forgo the ‘I want children’ phase of her life? No one is going to volunteer to care for my kid because, being a spawn of myself, it will be a beast. Plus, it will already be hard enough to get someone to watch my 6 cats, each of which will be acquired for every time I start to think, “maybe I should have kids….”

For all the wonderful and proud mommas out there who were born to do this job… THANK YOU. TC mark

More From Thought Catalog

  • A.

    All of these are so perfect

    • A.

      I want to say #11 to so many people, I feel like it’s so obvious yet people think those things are totally normal? Also, “8 pound mini human” and “slime-covered alien” are probably the best ways to refer to a baby that I have ever read.

      • EMC

        At stfuparentsblog.com, some people refer to children as “crotch fruit.”  Might want to check that out (also, the blogger is *really* cool)

  • NotEvenLions

    That was funny:) Thank you for the extreme laughs!

  • http://piorkowski.ca qviri

    Yep, you’re 24.

  • Aelya

    All the children you’ve met sound horrible.

  • Aelya

    All the children you’ve met sound horrible.

  • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

    “.They eat boogers and pick at scabs and have no shame in sticking a hand down their pants to scratch. Of course they’re not disinfecting after any of these acts either. ”

    Adults do this, too. You just get better at hiding it as you age. TRUE STORY.

  • GS

    WAIT. Ryan?! You’re a GUY??

    • FRANCIS.

      Ryan is a unisex name.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1712117106 Jocelyn 'Cherry Bomb' Duncan

    Are you sure this list wasn’t written by me? Because it sounds like me. Yup I’m pretty sure you’re me at 24.

  • John

    Please marry me, every goddamn relation has sprung off  ’cause the misses wanted kids someday…

  • jen

    PLEASE WRITE A 20 REASONS WHY YOURE NOT GETTING MARRIED!

    I LOVED THIS

    • kimberlyf.90

      I agreed spot on with the 20 points on not having kids. I’d definitely love to see her reasons for not getting married. I’m a young 20-something in the same boat!

  • seriously

    You’re too selfish to deserve having kids. Glad you won’t be contributing, I’m eager to get your genes out of the pool.

    • guest

      …she admitted she was selfish. Learn to laugh. 

      • seriously

        I think it’s more of a “whew close one” than “lol”

    • Anonymous

      I wish more people didn’t have kids because they realized they were too selfish to have kids than just have them because that is what people do.

    • Connie

      I completely agree!

    • MJM69

      She is not too selfish, she is saying what she feels. No nonsense, just her true feelings. Whether they are justified or not is for another discussion, but she doesn’t want them–period!

    • Lilyanne

      She’s not selfish., she’s honest.  You are a judgemental person. Rather than embracing another opinion/lifechoice/reality you post this nasty hurtful comment. Pity you are passing this programming on to another generation. SMH at your arrogance and ignorance.

    • Neovintage

      fukk id hate to.see ur kids then……

  • C.

    Not everyone wants to raise kids, so what? It’s the author’s opinion, and if it makes them happy then so be it. They’re not being selfish at all. 

    • Sippycup

      Only one person here posted a comment saying that the author was selfish (which I disagree with btw).

  • Howstrangetobeanythingatall

    I maintain there should be an agency for renting adorable Asian toddlers by the hour. Coo at them for a bit and then make your way to the bar for a mojito knowing you did right not shooting a lump of screaming flesh out of your vag.

    • http://twitter.com/robinmalik Robin

      Hahahahahaha! I wish I could like this multiple times :P

    • RYAN

      OH JESUS YES.

  • Sippycup

    Congratulations, you’re now in the first stage of ‘annoying person who tells everyone they’re not having children but inevitably has them.’

    Allow me to spoil the ending for you. You will live out your days as the person you hate telling everyone under 35 that they are destined to have kids because you failed to follow through with your insecure boasting. Anyone over 35 who is childless you will consider a loveless and selfish person who doesn’t understand the miracle of being a parent. You will become a conservative housewife. You will either die an ignorant old shrew or become an alcoholic to deal with your rampant cognitive dissonance.

    • http://twitter.com/robinmalik Robin

      So what you’re saying is, EVERYONE chooses to have kids?

      • Sippycup

        Nope. What I’m saying is a person who chooses not to have kids don’t need a pre-rehersed 20 point list in their head to validate their choices. The only people who go through that kind of trouble suffer from insecurity.

      • Sippycup

        *doesn’t

      • http://twitter.com/robinmalik Robin

        there is an edit button :) (thankfully)

      • Sippycup

        I don’t have an edit button. Maybe because this is an guest account? 

      • http://twitter.com/robinmalik Robin

        Ahh, that’s likely to be the reason yes!

      • http://twitter.com/robinmalik Robin

        I would hazard a guess that most people who know/feel that they don’t want children, secure or not, develop reasons why they don’t want to have them to support that feeling.

        Not choosing to have children is a big deal. Bigger than say, not going to University, or choosing not to learn to drive, moving abroad, or anything else like that. It goes against nature, eliminates probably 95% of people from being a long term partner, and most likely is the exact opposite of what everyone else you know, including your parents is doing / did.

        I see it as rationalising a choice, not born from insecurity but simply questioning a universal social/biological norm.

      • http://twitter.com/robinmalik Robin

        I would hazard a guess that most people who know/feel that they don’t want children, secure or not, develop reasons why they don’t want to have them to support that feeling.

        Not choosing to have children is a big deal. Bigger than say, not going to University, or choosing not to learn to drive, moving abroad, or anything else like that. It goes against nature, eliminates probably 95% of people from being a long term partner, and most likely is the exact opposite of what everyone else you know, including your parents is doing / did.

        I see it as rationalising a choice, not born from insecurity but simply questioning a universal social/biological norm.

      • Sippycup

        Age is a big factor though. Not to belittle the choice of an adult but this person is 24, an age known more for its brash convictions than its long-view wisdom. Could this person be the exception? Sure, but in my experience people who advertise their certitude of subjective experiences have a tendency to end up being hypocrites.

        These people are questioning a universal social norm but I maintain that they’re doing it from insecurity. It’s not much different from a teenager who thinks drinking/smoking/losing their virginity is the scariest thing in the world. What turns them into hypocrites is they hype this stuff up and when they realize, hey, it’s not really a big deal, they end up becoming the annoying people who continue to proselytize except now they’re giving 20 points *in favor* of birth.

      • Jumprgirl

         Maybe 10 years from now she CAN come up with 20 reasons to have a kid – I don’t think that would be hypocritical, it would just mean she changed her mind.  Now, if the author begins writing articles  about how no one can be fulfilled unless they have children…  then maybe you could call her a hypocrite.  maybe.

        Articles about not wanting children are nice when they are clearly NOT coming from someone who HATES children, as this author clearly doesn’t hate children.  There is no reason why non-moms should be shunned by moms and vice-versa.  At 24 I had my first kid and I would have liked going out for drinks and having adult conversation w/ the author of this article.

      • Sippycup

        Age is a big factor though. Not to belittle the choice of an adult but this person is 24, an age known more for its brash convictions than its long-view wisdom. Could this person be the exception? Sure, but in my experience people who advertise their certitude of subjective experiences have a tendency to end up being hypocrites.

        These people are questioning a universal social norm but I maintain that they’re doing it from insecurity. It’s not much different from a teenager who thinks drinking/smoking/losing their virginity is the scariest thing in the world. What turns them into hypocrites is they hype this stuff up and when they realize, hey, it’s not really a big deal, they end up becoming the annoying people who continue to proselytize except now they’re giving 20 points *in favor* of birth.

      • Sippycup

        Age is a big factor though. Not to belittle the choice of an adult but this person is 24, an age known more for its brash convictions than its long-view wisdom. Could this person be the exception? Sure, but in my experience people who advertise their certitude of subjective experiences have a tendency to end up being hypocrites.

        These people are questioning a universal social norm but I maintain that they’re doing it from insecurity. It’s not much different from a teenager who thinks drinking/smoking/losing their virginity is the scariest thing in the world. What turns them into hypocrites is they hype this stuff up and when they realize, hey, it’s not really a big deal, they end up becoming the annoying people who continue to proselytize except now they’re giving 20 points *in favor* of birth.

    • RYAN

      I expected this response from my piece. Thank you for planning out the rest of my life for me. Also- I suppose you would agree then that no one on this site needs a 20 point list of reasoning for each of their opinions correct? or do you just think that about the ones you disagree with? :)

      regardless, thank you. i appreciate you wasting your time on this.

  • arjun singh

    All the people supporting the article are like, you know, DIcKheads. Considering the fact they all were kids once, shit in their pants, ate their boogers, peed over and what not. Or they are the world’s biggest hypocrites. PICK one. 

    cheers

    • http://twitter.com/robinmalik Robin

      How does that someone a hypocrite?
      A: It doesn’t.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=300901223 Nicolette Beach

      Logical reasoning, you’re doing it COMPLETELY wrong. Like, you know.

      • arjun singh

        erm, have you heard the term “colloquial english”, eh?

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=300901223 Nicolette Beach

      Logical reasoning, you’re doing it COMPLETELY wrong. Like, you know.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=300901223 Nicolette Beach

      Logical reasoning, you’re doing it COMPLETELY wrong. Like, you know.

    • http://twitter.com/frickineh Just A Girl

      No, that’s exactly why I DON’T want kids. I never ate boogers, but I was gross and terrible and I can’t believe my parents didn’t beat me/leave me on a doorstep somewhere. I deserved it. And I’m not nearly as nice a person as they are. I WOULD beat them and social services would get called and it would be a whole thing and then I’d probably miss the Bachelorette season 96. Pass.

  • Joe

    Right on! With a world population at 6.7 billion and rising, it’s safe to say not everyone, even those well suited for it, need to be having children. We will not suffer if more people choose to simply abstain from childbirth.

  • http://twitter.com/robinmalik Robin

    “Woohoo! Corporal punishment and 4-hour time-outs!”
    This made me do a real LOL :)

  • anon

    The author’s name is Ryan. So she’s really a dude, that’s why all these comments make sense.

    • http://twitter.com/robinmalik Robin

      No, check the author’s profile…

    • http://twitter.com/frickineh Just A Girl

      My sister’s name was Ryann. Pronounced Ryan.

  • Anonymous

    It is so annoying when I tell people I don’t want kids and they try to convince me I just haven’t met the right man yet. UGH I don’t want kids because I know I am selfish, and know I need/enjoy ample alone time.

    • http://twitter.com/robinmalik Robin

      I feel the same. I think it’s probably harder being a female and feeling this though :S

  • FRANCIS

    This was brilliant. I feel the same way about 8 year olds and adolescents and the alien-stage, even the lactating. I also think given how overpopulated we are as a world, we could stand to avoid at least the alien 

    + lactating stage by adopting. However when children are between 2 and 5 they are so cute that it almost makes the next decade and a half worth it. Almost. (this being said whilst I agree with you – except on the boobjob, and given your bio says you’re a dancer aren’t they impractical(!) – I will inevitably join the mass of people who have kids of their own… Let’s hope you at least stay true to your resolve.

    • RYAN

      i AM a fan of the kindergarten age, i must say. and i most likely will not be getting a boob job. i just had the thought for about 3.6 seconds while i was composing :)

  • Anonymous

    Good for you, Ryan.  My daughter is the light of my life, but I don’t expect everyone to see things the same way I do.  You now face two possibilities.  One is that you’ll change your mind.  However hard you laughed at that, I laughed harder at the notion that anyone can really make such ever/never pronouncements at the ripe old age of 24.  Good joke, that.  If you change your mind, that’s great.  On the other hand, if you don’t, that’s great too.  From what you’ve described, you’re quite correct that neither you nor said child would be very happy.  I don’t mean that as an insult; it’s no more than you’ve said yourself and I think it’s great that you recognize it.  The #1 cause of screwed-up kids is parents who didn’t really truly want them, or couldn’t reconcile the conflicting needs of one or two parents plus N kids.  Go ahead, live it up.  Send postcards to your friends who stayed home with the kids, and you might find that they (and the kids) actually love you for it.

    • http://twitter.com/robinmalik Robin

      ^ What a brilliant and well balanced comment. I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot recently and it’s good to know there are other parents, who love being parents, who don’t get defensive over such feelings!

    • RYAN

      YOU are absolutely wonderful. I love nothing more to see people who are raising awesome kids… who are awesome because their parents LOVE being a parents. I am happy for you and happy also that you were not offended by my piece. Most of the time I do enjoy other people’s kids. But I feel in NO way prepared for one myself. You are very correct when you say that many people in a position such as myself have them when they really should not. I feel terribly sorry for any child who is born into that and it is very unfortunate that some people bring children in this world for the wrong reasons, if they’re not ready, or anything along that line. It’s heartbreaking. I have been raised by my wonderful grandmother (THANK GOD) and am happy every day that it was not my mother. She was NOT ready. If there’s one thing I do give her credit for, it’s carrying me 9 months AND giving a child up for adoption later in her life because she was not financially stable or capable of raising one, even though she was older then. Good to hear from you and thank you :)

  • http://twitter.com/nestevian888 Brooklyn

    I have an awesome kid that is nothing like the kids you’ve met .. probably because I’ve always wanted to be a mom.   I’m glad you realize that you are not prepared to take this type of role.  The sad part is there are so many woman who are just like you who do have children for the wrong reasons… the worst types are the ones that do it to keep a man or to get more welfare/food stamps, and then just end up neglecting them.  

    • RYAN

      Good for you! I love it! Please read my response to the comment below as well :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1198922828 Marianna Elvira

    I’ll always remember my ninth grade earth-space science teacher telling us about a student she had that was extremely neglected, and she was the first and only person I ever heard say not everyone’s meant to be a parent, and if you don’t want kids, you shouldn’t have them just because you feel you should/it’s what everyone else is doing/more money/keep your partner/other wrong reasons.

  • Elemenopi

    I’m 28 and I don’t want kids, pretty much for all the reasons you listed above and more. My boyfriend also doesn’t want kids, so it works perfectly. I do think that I might adopt one day (an idea with which bf is also on board). That will be the point in my life where I feel like being less selfish. Until then, I’m going on my awesome vacations to Mexico and buying overpriced skincare products.

    • RYAN

      I definitely agree with you on the “less selfish” part…. I feel as if I might also someday look into adoption IF I ever decide to change my mind :)

  • Nevermind

    Yes you should definitely NOT have children. If more people actually took a hard look at themselves before deciding to have children or not we’d probably have less psychotics raised in this world.
    I have a kid btw.

    • RYAN

      ABSOLUTELY!

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