Aching. Tired. Alone. Scared. Exhausted. Miserable. Sad.
You feel not good enough. You start to doubt yourself in every aspect of your life. You think you are not loved. You think you have no one. You start to constantly think about rock bottom, that this place you’re in now there is no coming back from. No one can hear you cry or scream; there wouldn’t be any point.
You believe that this is what life will be like now, its awful, horrific, the worst pain you’ve felt. But in some weird and twisted way you kind of get used to it, you get used to feeling not enough, you get used to feeling alone. You remember when you used to see the sun shine and how it made you smile, now it doesn’t make you feel anything anymore. But that’s normal now. That’s how it will be from now on.
You try to think of when you were happier, when every day was filled with the sound of your own laughter, and how you loved going out with friends, but just as quickly as that memory comes it goes. This dark cloud won’t leave you, it enjoys your sadness, it feeds off your pain, there is no way you will ever win this demon.
Your friends call, they ask if you’re okay, but you don’t know how to respond. It feels like they are too far away to help you. They bring you things: food, water, company. Things that you needed so much in your old life, but now these things don’t matter anymore, they don’t really seem that necessary. That’s not your life anymore, all your wants and needs are blurred and nothing is clear. You just lie there. Awake. Unable to sleep.
Depression wants you to suffer. It wants you to feel that there is no hope, no light, no nothing. That life is just one big black hole. After a while, the suffering starts to become familiar. You get used to crying every morning and every night. You get used to not sleeping or eating. You have no energy, you can’t smile, talk, laugh. You used to see bright colors, but now all you see is grey. No smiling, no laughing, no nothing.
People tell you to ‘just cheer up‘ – believe me, I would’ve loved more than anything to of been able to ‘just cheer up‘ or to ‘just be happy‘ again. So you start to avoid people – friends and family. You see strangers on the street – couples holding hands, families, young children, groups of friends. You don’t want to see them, you don’t want to see other people being happy when that’s the one thing that you can’t be.
You feel guilty and ashamed to ask for help. No one would help you anyway; depression is just a silly word. So you put it off, you don’t ask for help and you keep living each day just as miserable as the last. But the thing is, depression isn’t ‘just a silly word‘. It’s not something to be ashamed of, it lies and tells you false truths. But my god depression is powerful. It’s unpredictable and so so real.
The stigma behind depression keeps a lot of its issues and problems in the dark. It’s not easy to talk about, it’s very hard to grasp onto. I came across this really interesting article by Matt Haig – he goes on to say how suicide is now the leading cause of death in men under 50. With that statistic so plain and clear to see, how is depression not being talked about more, not being shown the attention it needs. Depression is a killer, it shouldn’t take a death for people to realize that.
There is life after depression, it may not seem like it at the time, but one day you will go on to live again. Hang on to that.
‘Sometimes it’s okay if the only thing you did today was breathe.’