I Tried To Be Guarded But You Got To Me

It has been a long time since I was cared for, or even felt that I mattered. You didn’t shun away despite the myriad of problems I had plastered on the towering walls I have built around my heart, like how dated fliers are inserted deeply into the crevices of the unoccupied houses with gates shut tightly and never giving way – causing such an eyesore to passers-by. I’ve warned you that I was impossible to crack, that you would never see past my seemingly impenetrable facade.

The ones that cared before and chose to leave were like deposits of heavy duty cement, contributing to the strong stance of my walls as I built them higher and bulkier.

I tried my best, really, to keep you at arm’s length. Though my walls were tall and mighty, I was terrified that the feelings kept locked away would burst through the multitude of tiny crevices like fireworks, making me vulnerable, and possibly hurting whoever that is close by.

I tried to be as emotionally unattached as possible, being coy about anything that could lead to what I have kept hidden away – but it was all in vain, you got to me.

You managed to stumble across an unusually large hole eroded by long lasting acidic pain, and you stepped in – giving you access to emotions I have hidden away.

I bared my soul to you. All that was locked away came flowing out and I prayed so hard you wouldn’t drown in all of it, that you wouldn’t get washed away. And true enough, like how Jesus raised his hand and calmed the storm, your words managed to calm mine – you gave me immense comfort. I stopped building my walls. I did not even mend that jarring hole you came in by. I was vulnerable but you assured me that it was okay – that being vulnerable would help me heal. You promised to guard my walls to make sure that nothing bad ever came in. You made me feel safe. Being with you felt natural – like it was second nature.

I should have known that this was all too good to be true.

I can’t exactly pinpoint the date you started drifting away. Your messages became shorter and less thought through than before. Everyday the lesser dose of you leaves me desperately finding something else to latch on, to lessen the withdrawal symptoms of longing for you. You disappeared so unexpectedly leaving me lost; as if I had lost sight of the oasis I spotted in a desert.

Was I too difficult to love? Too problematic to handle? The place you used to stay in my guarded heart, now feels painfully empty, and the jarring hole that was not patched up is developing into a deadly infection. Now I am desperately trying to close up that hole and heal, but your actions, your words, your care – those lovely memories have formed a garland of flowers decorated around that hole that I cannot bear to rip away.

You have gotten under my skin, and no matter how hard I try to cut you out, remnants of you remain – leaving my hands in a bloody mess.