First dates are THE worst. Second dates are pretty bad too, but first dates just make me cringe. They’re super awkward and uncomfortable—like discovering you have a wedgie in public and not being able to remove it out of your butt.
I’m always so nervous on a first date. I would love to see myself in the eyes of my date one time. Maybe I should ask my next first date if he wouldn’t mind wearing a GoPro on his head during our date so I can go over and critique some footage when I get home.
Sometimes I wish I could just skip the whole “dating” part of the process and go straight to spending nights in bed watching Netflix while eating leftover pizza in our sweats and then eventually and/or occasionally hating each other. That is my dream date.
For me, a proper date is always dinner plus something else. Dinner and a movie, dinner and drinks at the bar, dinner and a walk by the beach. Obviously, I love me some dinner.
The following is a definitive listing of the typical first dates every girl will experience. I am exaggerating in almost every part of this entry, but forgive me because I am not a horrible person.
1. The Coffee Date
This person is clearly trying to say “Hey, I wanna meet you in a neutral setting in broad daylight just so you know I’m not a serial killer or rapist.” OR “I don’t know you that well yet so I’m not willing to spend money on actual food for you. We’ll see how it goes.” I always assume it’s the latter. I mean, come on, dude, I take time out of my busy schedule to get all nice and pretty and all you’re gonna buy me is a cup of coffee? I can get free coffee when I go make a deposit at my bank. He’s not even gonna get you a venti, may I add, you’re getting a tall, you peasant. I have a freaking Keurig in my room, so thanks.
If I absolutely had to go on a stupid coffee date, I would order the biggest, most complicated drink sprinkled with 24K gold shavings, whipped cream extracted from a cow that is vegan who grew up in a very supportive environment, topped with a straw weaved from the skin of the town virgin, get me a mug for back home, a tumbler for cold drinks, $50 worth of gift cards, and a jar of the barista’s tears. That’ll teach you to take me out for coffee.
2. The Middle of the Week Date
Who even does this? How much time do you think I have that you’re asking me out on a Tuesday night? How much time do YOU have on your hands? Are you jobless? Homeless? Maybe both. Sorry, but weeknights are reserved for the gym and passing the fuck out after coming back from work. If a girl agrees to go out with you on a weeknight, you gotta think: What the hell is she doing with her life? Amirite?
3. The Dinner Date (on a weekend, of course)
Ah yes, the classic. The 1970s Chevy Corvette (?) of first dates. This is my favorite. It gives me a good reason to peel myself out of bed on a Friday night AND I love dressing up for a dinner date. It’s a good environment to get an idea of this person and find out if you wanna keep seeing him or her. You can have an actual conversation and really get to know each other because there’s literally nowhere to go, it’s just the two of you.
The fact that there’s food involved is my favorite part. Not only do I get to eat, I also have an excuse when there’s a weird silence lingering. I can stuff my mouth with a lot of food so I don’t have to say anything, I can quietly judge your eating habits, I can play with my food and look like I’m really busy, etc. The only thing I don’t like is the chance of getting spinach or pepper stuck in between my teeth. You know ol’ boy is never gonna tell you right there and then. You’re just gonna have to look stupid for the rest of the night and discover it when you get home.
4. The Hi-Energy Date
Here in Hawaii, I’ve had a good number of high-intensity date invites. There’s always someone who wants to take me out to go hiking, kayaking, surfing, running (eww), sailing, etc. This is the most intimidating kind of date. And there’s no eating involved wtf! Suffice to say, I’ve never agreed to go on any of them. I know deep down in my cold, black heart that it’s going to be weird. We know nothing about each other and you wanna see me at my worst already? I’m super clumsy and I guarantee that I’m gonna slip, fall, or trip while looking ugly in any one of those situations. Let’s face it; you don’t know me that well so I know you’re not gonna save my ass.
5. The Group Date
This can go both ways. It can go well because the presence of other people won’t make it that awkward and they could actually be fun to hang out with. It shows that he’s probably an easygoing, laidback guy who likes to socialize. On the other hand, it can also end up with you being ignored and sitting by yourself in the corner. If he’s an asshole, you’re gonna have to compete with his friends to get his attention. You would of course be on the losing end because he’s known these people longer than you. It also seems like you’re going to have to exert twice the effort because not only are you trying to impress him, but you’re also trying to impress his friends who are judging you the whole time. But then again, it’s all about how you handle yourself and if your social skills are up to par.
6. The Sightseeing Date
This could be a stroll in the park, a day in the beach, a visit to a gallery, or anything that would involve walking. I think this is more of a second or third date, to mix it up a little so that you’re not creating a pattern of just going out for dinner. It’s a toned down version of the Active Date so that he can show you that he’s interesting in a not so in-your-face kind of way, without having to break a sweat. I went on a date to the zoo and it was great. We walked and talked and laughed at the animals. Yo, monkeys are hilarious.
7. The Movie Date
I like watching movies but this just isn’t a good first date. You meet up for the first time, make awkward small talk and then it gets even more awkward because you don’t get to talk to each other during the movie. Might as well have gone alone. Then there’s the seating situation. Do you hold hands? Do you lean your head on his shoulder? Do you put the arm rest up or leave it down? Too much pressure. That’s why I said that a date is always dinner and something else. This is usually the “something else.”
8. The Bar Date
Now, this guy isn’t wasting any time. He asks you out for drinks right off the bat; just alcohol and nothing else. I think he wants you to get an ulcer. The way I imagine his train of thought goes like this: “Hey, you’re kinda OK, I guess, and you seem like you would put out therefore I don’t wanna buy you dinner you ugly slut so let’s just have some drinks so that you can look semi-attractive in little to no light at all.” That’s literally the first thing girls assume when they get asked out just for drinks. His main goal for the night is to get in to deez pantz. Or maybe he just already ate dinner. What do I know?