I am sorry I broke your heart; I broke mine too. And I didn’t even care that I broke mine; all I was thinking of was yours. Letting you go was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, yet it was the right thing, because I realized that love alone couldn’t keep us going any longer.
I kept lying to myself for so long and pretending that everything will work out, while deep down, I knew it wouldn’t. I saw all the red flags, but I acted dumb. I acted as if they were nothing because I didn’t want us to end.
I realized eventually that no matter how much I kept lying to myself, the truth will always haunt me. The fact that we couldn’t continue being together haunted me. Because sometimes in life, you will discover that love is not the only core pillar in any relationship; if some other things went missing, it would be just impossible to continue.
Sometimes you realize that you lost your trust in the person in front of you, and no matter what you do, you can’t seem to redeem it. You start to understand why it’s so hard for the both of you to keep things going. Sometimes when you lose your respect for your partner and their image gets shattered in your eyes, you realize that maybe it’s too late for the both of you to try and stitch all the broken pieces back together.
When you don’t feel safe in your relationship, it becomes harder and harder to keep fighting for it. And sometimes you just keep fighting even though you know it’s a losing battle, but you refuse to admit that, and you keep fighting anyway.
I felt guilty for leaving, but I felt even guiltier while staying, because every day I had to fight the thoughts that this might be a lie or that there might be someone else. I tried so hard to kick these thoughts out of my head, but I never could. And I realized that I couldn’t stay with someone while constantly doubting them like that. I couldn’t keep doubting every action and every word. And that’s when it hit me — I couldn’t stay any longer.
I had to leave for the sake of both of us. I know that people say that this is the kind of thing you might say to yourself so you won’t feel so bad about leaving, but honestly, this was the ultimate truth — because in the end, what is a relationship without trust?
Have you ever just wanted something to work so bad that you decided to shush all these voices and thoughts inside of your head that were screaming a million reasons why this couldn’t work?
Have you ever wished that you could just get things back to how they used to be, even though you know that it’s impossible?
Have you ever wished that you could continue your life with someone like nothing has happened?
I thought I could make this happen — that I could pretend that nothing happened — but it turned out to be impossible. I couldn’t shake the fact that I lost my trust in you or act like all that has happened was just some kind of innocent mistake.
My mind knew very well that getting back together wasn’t the right choice, but my heart acted differently. I couldn’t bear the idea of losing someone I love. But sometimes, your mind actually wins the battle because you can’t just escape your thoughts any longer.