woman in red dress standing on brown soil during daytime

I Wish We Would Have Ended Things Sooner

We fought with each other, and we said all these horrible things to one another, and then we acted as if nothing had happened. We just carried on with our everyday lives very normally. Our fights became such a normal thing that they didn’t feel like fights anymore, just something we did every day, like brushing our teeth, having breakfast, or doing our daily chores. Our arguments became more like a routine or a daily habit. We both didn’t realize how much these fights we perceived as very habitual had been consuming us and turning us so ugly without even realizing it. 

All these hurtful things I said to you in the pursuit of defending myself from what you had been saying to me kept ruining my soul. With every fight, I started hating who I had become. I hated the things I said. I hated how I had to be as hurtful as you to defend myself. I hated how I made you feel and how you made me feel as well. 

Fighting with each other had become our way of communication. We were both snapping at each other for the simplest things. We reached a point where we had such a hard time understanding one another, and each of us just kept misunderstanding the other. Talking to each other became such a complicated and hard thing to do because every time we were with each other, we drained one another and brought out the worst of us. 

I realized how much I started to dislike who I became when I was with you. Because when I was with you, I was not myself. I was someone I didn’t recognize—someone that could so easily say words that cut others deeply. I didn’t want to be this way anymore. I didn’t want to spend a lifetime living like this. I didn’t want the worst of me to become who I constantly was. I tried to get back to my soft self, but every time I did so, it got mistaken for weakness, so I had to let my softness go and sharpen up my edges. 

I didn’t want my life to be full of everyday fights or hurtful words, constant yelling, or such ugly energy. I wanted my life to be full of love, beauty, harmony, and peace. But when I asked for these things in our life, you made me feel like I was not a realist. Every time I chose not to fight, you made me feel like I was walking away from us. I felt trapped. I felt like fighting was the only thing left between us and our only way to be with one another. 

I didn’t want to hurt you or be hurt by you any longer. I just wanted peace. I wanted to come home to myself. I wanted the good in me to overtake the worst in me. We had both reached a point where no gifts, no nice words or gestures could take back all the hurtful words we said and all the hurtful actions we did to each other. Nothing could happen that would undo all this destruction. Maybe it took us a lot of time destroying each other to make me realize that we should have ended earlier. I wish we could have left sooner before we both turned into these awful people who kept destroying each other. Maybe you called it quitting, but for me, it was the end of a war I had to go through every day. It was me trying to save anything good left between us or in us before it all completely faded away.

I want to write about you, me, and all of us.

Keep up with Rowan on Instagram, Twitter, TikTok and Website