Sitting alone scares me. The idea of having a lot of free time terrifies me, not because I am scared of being alone or getting bored or any of that, but because I am scared to think. I am scared of the thoughts that will keep drizzling through my mind the moment I have all that free time for myself.
Sometimes I raise the volume of my stereo so high that I won’t hear the sounds of my own thoughts. Lately, I have been throwing myself into the company of everyone around me rather than my own, because I know that once I am alone, I will keep thinking and I will just be all alone with my thoughts. I realized that I have been avoiding sitting alone for such a long time now. I kept throwing myself into one thing after the other so that I would be so damn occupied all the time and too busy and tired to have any time or energy left to just sit and think.
I kept running away from myself and escaping every single opportunity that will give me the time to just deal with what’s going on inside my mind. But life is ironic; it’s like it will actually force you somehow to sit with yourself eventually and think, no matter how much you don’t want to.
The thing is, sometimes it gets scary inside my head. Sometimes I don’t want to dive too deep into my thoughts and explore them or even face them — but I came to realize that you can’t just run away from your own self your whole life.
So, when I actually had that time to deal with what’s inside my head, it was dark. It’s a mess that I am still trying to sort out. But I realized that it’s the right thing to do. It’s the right thing to deal with the parts of you that you have been avoiding all along. It’s the right thing to just sit and get to face what’s really inside you. It’s healthy, actually. I know it’s not easy, but it’s the right thing to do.
I just kept running and running, but you know what? I am actually tired of running. I just can’t keep on doing it anymore. It’s time to strip off the band aid and face myself. It’s time to acknowledge the dark parts in my mind and deal with them. Because I don’t want to spend a lifetime trying to escape my own self.