People keep telling me that you have every right to hurt back anyone who has hurt you, but doing this to you didn’t make me feel better. If anything, it made me feel worse.
Hurting you back didn’t ease my pain or help me heal. It didn’t feel good at all. It actually ended up hurting me even more. I thought that maybe if I did this to you, we would be even. But now I know that this is not how things work. Now I know that sometimes you don’t need to do the same thing to someone who has caused you so much pain, not for their own sake but for yours.
I was in so much pain that the only thing I thought of was making you feel the exact same way without even stopping for a second to consider how this would affect me. I didn’t think that while getting back to you, I might be destroying myself in the process. But I have learned the hard way that you should never act right away on your current emotions, without even giving yourself the time to consume and process all that you have been through first. I wish I would have used that time and energy to focus on actually healing myself. But it turns out choosing to hurt you was just a temporary pain killer for me that somehow ended up making me ache even more afterwards.
Now I know that sometimes it’s better to just leave things as they are. Sometimes it’s better to focus on healing your own wounds and dealing with your own bruises rather than trying to wound the ones that have done this to you in the first place. Now I know that while trying to seal my wound this way, I just ended up opening it up even more.
I wish I could have understood that just because you did this to me, I didn’t have to be like you and do the same. I wish I would have known better. I wish I could have left it just the way it was, feeling like I was the better person in the story. I wish I would have stayed as a good memory to you, despite everything. I wish I could have shown you that not all of us are the same and that not all of us have to be so hurtful.
Now I know that choosing to not get back to someone who has hurt you is not a sign of weakness but is sometimes a sign of utter wisdom. Now I know why Gandhi said, ” An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.”
I am sorry for hurting you back. But I am not as sorry to you as I am to myself.