1. Fart near them and walk away.
2. Fart near them, stay their and look at them as though they are completely disgusting. If you do this well enough they will doubt themselves and become mortified.
3. Leave a wet towel on their bed.
4. Ask them how they like their tea and then make it the complete opposite way. Tell them to enjoy.
5. Tell them that you really admire how they don’t feel the need to wash.
6. Poke them on Facebook and don’t explain it.
7. Smile at them.
8. Ask them to mind your terminally ill pet, but don’t tell them that your pet is ill. They will feel so bad when it dies.
9. Ask them to mind your terminally ill grandparent, but don’t tell them that your grandparent is ill. They will feel so bad when your grandparent dies.
10. Go for dinner with them and tell them that their food is coming before it is.
11. Suggest going for coffee and when they agree say that you can’t because coffee gives you the shits. Don’t explain.
12. Walk really slowly in front of them so they can’t get where they’re going.
13. Refer to their BFF as your BFF.
14. Invite yourself over to their house for dinner and choke on the food. They will feel so bad that they killed you.
15. Leave them everything you own in your will. They will feel so guilty and undeserving.
16. Thank them for showing you that Scientology is the real way you should be living your life. This won’t work if your archenemy is actually a Scientologist.
17. Ask to try a bite of their lunch and eat it all.
18. Ask to try a bite of their lunch and spit it out in disgust.
19. Ask to try a bite of their lunch and then, when they say ok, say “no thank you.”
20. Use their loo when you have the shits and then their loo will smell.
21. Tell them you admire their blind self-belief. Act shocked by it.
22. Name your hamster after them without explanation.
23. Always spell their name wrong.
24. Like their profile picture from 2009.
25. Throw shade with your eyes.
26. Accidentally on purpose break their environmentally friendly £300 glass water bottle.
27. Tell them to check their privilege when they say they’re “starving.” They don’t know what starving is.
28. Tell everyone they did a poo in the bath. Someone actually spread this rumour about my sister at university.
29. Don’t hold the lift when you see them coming.
30. Spam their social media by helping a sister out and sharing this post a million times.