Why I Stalk Your Ex-Girlfriend Online

I stalk your ex-girlfriend online for a couple of reasons. Mainly, I want to see what made her so special that you dated her in the first place. I know — it would be so easy to verbally ask “Why did you two break up?” but I never get a straight answer. “We were just too different” or, “She broke my heart” doesn’t tell me anything. Sometimes I get a little more, like “She cheated on me” or “She moved to California” but your defenses cause me to find the answers on my own.

My favorite response from you is that “She was a crazy bitch.” So I try to find out why she was a crazy bitch, to prevent me from emulating her craziness. I troll her Facebook profile or anonymously follow her Twitter page in hopes that some kernel of koo-koo might spring up. Call it schadenfreude, but knowing I don’t possess the psychotic qualities of your ex-girlfriend assures me that we may stand a chance at this dating thing.

If the breakup was a tough one, I might stalk your ex-girlfriend to make sure she is recovering normally. You know, just to monitor that she isn’t threatening to stab us on the street, or worse, that she’s suicidal. I want to enjoy our newfound relationship, and avoid taking out restraining orders if possible.

There have been occasions when I’ve stalked your ex-girlfriend because I’ve caught her talking sh-t about me. I’m not one to care about people’s opinions, if everything being said about me is true. But if your ex-girlfriend is spreading rumors on her blog, or slandering my name to mutual friends across Facebook, I want to know so I can refute her claims via Mother Teresa Retaliation Tactics:

“I forgive Mike’s ex-girlfriend for talking sh-t about me. Clearly she has been having a hard time getting over the breakup and seeing how happy Mike is now. I hope she finds happiness herself soon.”

Sometimes, I’ll stalk your ex-girlfriend because I want to know what it was like to be in a relationship with you. Weird, yes. But those two months or tw0 years or 10 years dating her are two months and two years and 10 years I will never get back.

What kind of person were you when you dated? Seeing photos of you two backpacking through South America and having the time of your life — would you repeat the trip if I asked? It kind of hurts, knowing that the two of you hit some important milestones that will always remain memories of then, and not now.

Your ex-girlfriend is the most recent person you’ve been with that I can compare myself to. Comparison shouldn’t be necessary, but most people in a new relationship are a little curious as to how they measure up to the last one. If she is prettier than me, do you think I am ugly? If she is smarter than me, do you think I’m stupid? I don’t want to know if she was better in bed, but I do want to know if I’m better in bed.

Also, I stalk your ex-girlfriend because I am afraid that one day, you might wake up and realize just how good you really had it.

That’s the worst — when I stalk your ex-girlfriend because I think you are cheating on me. I know, it’s a total breach of trust, and low self-esteem on my part, but some guys just can’t shake their ex, no matter how hard they try. Love is a potent and addicting drug, especially when taken in large doses over extended periods of time. Maybe you broke up, started dating me, realized you missed her for whatever reason, and started to have sex with this chick again on the side. We all know that there is no good way to break up with someone. It’s going to hurt, one way or other. Lots of people would rather cheat than feel guilty for hurting someone’s feelings.

I know that I have to believe you. I know that I have to trust you when you say that you love me, and that you are done with your ex, and that I am so much better than she ever will be. That’s when I stalk your ex-girlfriend because I believe we are too good to be true. Because great relationships like this don’t actually exist. Because by going back through the Facebook pages of your ex-girlfriend’s past, I can uncover — and avoid — the skeleton in your closet that could possibly break us.

Today’s access to all things social media has made internet stalking somewhat mainstream, and socially acceptable in the sickest sense. Gone are the days of stalking your prey in broad daylight. I’ve since thrown away my baseball cap, dark sunglasses and hooded sweatshirt disguises. I have even given up squatting in the neighbor’s bushes or loitering across the street of your ex-girlfriend’s house, waiting for a glimpse of the wild beast. No, I much prefer to learn everything about her like a legitimate creeper — sitting on my couch in my pajamas and typing her name into a Google search box.

And hoping to God that she’s hideous. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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