The day I was free from you was the day I came home to myself. The day I left you, was the day I left your narrowing glare whenever you felt I had done something “wrong” or “not good enough.”
The day I was free from you, was the day I started making decisions based upon what I wanted and not what I thought would make you happy. I took myself to cities you never would have packed up and gone to with me because they didn’t serve what you needed. I moved back to a place which felt safe instead of trying to survive in an environment which felt full of scrutiny and fear. I put myself first, my happiness, my desires instead of pushing them deep down inside of myself so you wouldn’t look at me so full of contempt, I thought it would set me alight.
The day I was free from you was the day I realized just how much I had changed in your presence. The way I would filter my thoughts, my opinions, my sense of humor- because I was so afraid you would belittle me and disagree with me (which you always did). I realized how much of myself had gotten lost over the years, how I had been molded into this person you expected me to be, the person you needed me to be to make yourself look better. The day I left you was the day I realized just how right my friends had been when they told me I was disappearing in front of their eyes, that I had become this anxious, quiet and subdued person around you. How I only existed in your shadow. How the girl they loved just wasn’t around anymore. The day I left you was the day my friends and family stopped mourning the me I was before you crashed into my world and tried to tear it apart.
The day I was free from you was the day I realized just how much I had missed out on because you convinced me I wasn’t capable. I realized how easily you managed to brainwash me into thinking I needed you in order to survive. How you manipulated me into thinking I was only smart because you made me smart, the way you tried to tell me my friends weren’t real friends, the way you filled me up with self-doubt and self-hatred because I “expected too much” from people, when in reality you couldn’t meet my reasonable expectations of you, and the way you should love me.
The day I was free from you was the day I realized just how much my love for you limited me. I realized all of the things I want in this life which would never have been possible with you in it. I realized I am smart in my own right, that the clothes I choose to wear don’t make me “slutty” or “trashy” or any of the other words you bashed me with before we left the house. I realized that the words you used to put me back inside the cage you built for me were a tool to build the ego I unintentionally crushed.
The day I was free from you was the day I realized I am enough, more than enough, all by myself. I realized that the only love I really need is that for myself and for my friends and family.
The day I was free from you was the day I came home to myself.