I’ve always been a worrier. Perhaps my active imagination is to blame or maybe it is my default setting of believing things will go wrong. But I spend so much of my time thinking of every possible alternative outcome. What if I fail? What if I speak up and people laugh at me? What if my best isn’t good enough? What if it isn’t even close? – That I forget how to just live.
And it is draining, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Always living in this constant spiral of questions and doubt. But the truth is, it doesn’t matter how many nights I lay awake running through every possible scenario in my head, it doesn’t matter how many lists I write of things that could go wrong or how many times I tell myself not to do something because I might fail, it won’t change the outcome.
It won’t prepare me for the moment when I am stood there, facing the world by myself.
Because life doesn’t work that way, it is unpredictable and magical and scary as hell. It doesn’t matter if I always choose the right outfit or wear just the ideal amount of make-up or laugh at things at exactly the right moment or keep the parts of myself I deem unfit, hidden, because someone is always going to judge me, someone is always going to think I am not enough, or too much.
Because you cannot be for everyone and trying will kill you faster than failing.
So maybe the key is not trying to mold myself to fit the ideals of everyone else or worrying so much about every intricate detail of my life and imagining a terrible outcome so vividly, it makes me want to scream, but to just be me. To just live. To make a vow to myself that I will do whatever the hell makes me happy and deal with the outcome when I get there, when I am stood in the storm and not a moment before.
I will chase my dreams, no matter how out of reach they might seem and no matter how many people say, ’Really? That’s what you want to do?’ with that smile on their face which doubts every word which has left my mouth.
I will wear my ridiculous yellow spotted tights with my red shoes and I won’t give a damn about the girls laughing or whispering to each other as I walk down the street, in fact I will smile and wave because chances are, they only envy my confidence.
I will stare my failures right in the face and I won’t curse myself for them, I will store them away, remember them and learn. I will praise myself for trying, for just running after the things I crave no matter the obstacles in my way. I will stop explaining myself and my decisions to those around me, to the people who just don’t understand and I will stop pretending to like the things I don’t or saying yes to things I don’t want.
I will live for myself, for my future, for my dreams, for that ten year old version of myself who pictured a life full of wonderful, exciting, memorable adventures.
I will stop giving so much time to the devil on my back, to the voice inside my head always berating, always second guessing, and always making me feel like shit for trying and failing.
I will stop giving a damn about those bitchy girls who look and whisper. I will stop trying to be somebody I absolutely am not just to please the man in my life and I will learn to be true to myself.
I will stop wasting all of my energy on worrying, on doubt, on fear and use it for greatness, for my ambition, for those dreams which scare the hell out of me…but won’t ever be reached if I just sit back and think of all the things which could go wrong.
Because what if they go right?